why do we even have that lever?

I would like to speak to my friends at Nabisco.

But first, remember when Izma says to Kronk “Why do we even HAVE that lever?!”

Look, I’m a very busy guy. I have lots to do. I want to be able to walk into my grocery store, grab the Oreos, and go home and eat them. Why do you even SELL regular Oreos? Why aren’t Oreos, by default, Double Stuff? I don’t want Oreos that go to eleven. I just want Oreos. But I want them stuffed, doubly. All the time. It’s not a special treat that I get when I’ve been good. I don’t eat regular Oreos to punish myself.

Please make all Oreos be double stuff. otherwise, we’ll end up with lots of wafers laying around, looking for a home.

[And don't tell me to make other confections with the wafers--just don't.]

glorious

My company just relocated from some pretty low grade class B office space to some pretty awesome Class A office space that I can see from my house. Almost. (It’s right behind Russia.)

The break room is sweet, with a giant electronic key card honor snack/drink area, the lobby is full of cool glass sculptures, and I’m ten minutes from Corner Canyon.

But let’s cut to the chase. It’s all about the bathrooms.

Yup, that’s soothing art on the wall.

No touchy water fountains and paper towel dispensers, no touchy flushers. Nice.

Oh. And we’re a Leed Certified (Eco SUPER Friendly–hybrid cars get front row parking) building. So, no water in the urinals (that we don’t put there ourselves).

I guess this is nice. Here’s my problem–that pee turf matt is crooked. I’m going to need some Leed Certified tongs to straighten it.

encroachment

I’m pretty sure Larry Craig works in my building.

I feel like Paul Rudd in “Our Idiot Brother.”

“I don’t know, maybe I should have tried harder.”

have budget, must spend?

Draper city has an awesome trail network. They also have some pretty nice trailheads.

Here’s the latest one, just up the street from me, which is really more of an overlook than a trailhead:

And when I say “overlook” I really do mean, OVERlook.

As in, you must look over a fence in order to see the view. It’s almost like a mat that has conclusions you JUMP to.

So, what? Did they finish the benches and drinking fountain and signage, and then check the books and realize they hadn’t spent the whole budget yet?

“Say, do you know what would really finish off this spectacular overlook? A fence that not only doesn’t keep anything out or in, but also is constructed so close to the benches and at such a height that it actually obstructs the very view passersby have stopped to enjoy.”

Maybe a good book instead.

safety first

Yesterday was conference day at church so the local officials asked some of the men to act as parking lot attendants.

I took this picture at about the start of the meeting. The parking lot was about 3/4 full.

“They also serve who only stand and wait:”

What would make this better? If Steve had to wear a helmet and carry a flashlight. A boy can dream.

 

poker face

Nala has a much better poker face than Holden does.

stretchy pants

Consider this a cry for help:

Not clear? How ’bout this:

I’m not buying new pants. I can beat this thing.

Course, the line or two of double stuff Oreos I did last night while watching Lord of the Rings didn’t help.

I need food poisoning.

 

december st. george

Rick S. is my brother in law, and I don’t give him enough credit for being smart. He’s very smart. For example, during the Christmas break, he proposed that we take a trip to St. George to ride mountain bikes.

See how smart he is? We went, and it was good.

Here is the video to prove it.

But first, a word about energy drinks.

If an energy drink says “Drink one hour before exercising,” that, in my limited experience, doesn’t mean “one half hour before exercising.”

The video below shows limited footage from our first ride, which was Goulds, JEM, RIM. That’s because my 30 minute mistake resulted in having a stomach full of sharp knives for about 3 hours. The same 3 hours we were riding Goulds, JEM, RIM. So I rode alone a lot. Sleepy hung back with me a bit. Thanks Sleepy.

Anyway. Here is the feeelm:

getting by

According to most reports, the Wasatch is off to the fourth worst (worst being driest) starts to Winter in, like, forever. Since people who cared started keeping track, anyway. And it’s the worst in over 35 years.

I stole this from a Backcountry.com Facebook post:

This winter of my discontent has not helped alleviate the year of the Great Suck, nor has it diminished my ennui.

However, THIS has helped:

The snow may not be deep, but it’s kind of like Utah lake–8 feet isn’t deep, but it’ll float your boat.

It’s deep enough for this:

And this:

In short, we’re getting by.

We’ve missed you Ian:

Maddy, it may be deep enough to ski, but if you’ve gotta sit one out, this is the one to do it.

i don’t believe you

Not excluding the short (c’mon, it was short) break I took recently, I’ve been doing this blog thing for a long time. Like, three and a half years long. In those early days I may have mentioned the gross refrigerator in the lunch room at my previous place of employment, which was housed in what I generously refer to as Class C office space.

Here at my new place of employment we have buildings and facilities that seem more Class B ish.

And here, everyone is welcome to have their own mini fridges in their offices, which saves wear and tear and space in the ONE fridge in break room, a fridge that should theoretically be able to house the lunchables for about 200 people.

Uh huh.

We have the usual sign on the fridge, you know, “stuff left after Friday at 5pm will be given to the pack of feral dogs outside, yada yada yada.”

Except.

Don’t believe it.

I discovered a tupperware in the fridge a while back, that I’ve been watching as kind of an experiment. And by a while, I mean three months.

Yup. Still there.

We are moving to new, Class A offices in a couple weeks. Where they say we can’t have personal fridges because it’s too ghetto.

More ghetto than the spaghetti? I don’t think so.

 

 

200

Remember how Dave Chappelle went crazy after signing that huge Comedy Central contract, and went and hid in South Africa for a while? Well, he came back, right?

I hope it’s more like that, and not Leaving Las Vegas. Cuz Chappelle came back.

Not that I’m comparing myself to Chappelle. I mean, you know how sometimes people will relate some parable from the New Testament, and after a few seconds, you realize they are comparing themselves to Jesus? I’m not saying I’m Dave Chappelle. I’m just saying that I needed a break. 2011 was the year of the great Suck. Not all of it, but enough of it that I’m sticking with that title.

But instead of going to Vegas like Nicolas Cage, I made six thousand batches of chocolate chip cookies and in the end realized a dream/goal I’ve had for a very long time.

Behold:

I think I’ve always had 200 lbs in me, so to speak, but I had a weird epiphany the other day–weigh myself at NIGHT!

By morning I had lost 5 lbs. I really don’t know how that happens, but I hit the big 200, and nobody can take that away from me.

And tomorrow I have a root canal. Those are practically guaranteed to lose you five pounds. I’ll be back fitting in my spanx in no time.

Bonus Material

Okay, and here, lemme throw you a bone. This is the big stall in the work bathroom.

They say fences make good neighbors, but this? Really, what’s going on in there that requires that kind of privacy?

Wait, don’t answer that. Please.

 

taking a break

I’m taking a break.

Talk amongst yourselves. Here, I’ll give you a topic:

Contour or GoPro.

Discuss.

helloween 2011

I have missed Rick‘s Helloween rides the last couple years, so maybe it’s ironic that with Rick traveling all week, and Kris stepping in and organizing the Halloween night ride in Corner Canyon, I was riding no matter what.

Times are such, that I really needed a ride.

Turnout was good:

I’m in the middle. And no, I am not a business man. I’m not Superman.

Does this help:

Anyway.

I think I’ll give up on the night videos. I mean, it’s a cool video, you should totally watch it. But night videos are hard.

Also, Tyler’s lights died a third of the way down Rush, so the rest of the descent, well, it’s Tyler ripping it up. Luckily, Tyler rips.

We went up Potato Hill, up Anne’s, over to and down Ghost (during which my camera stayed mysteriously off, don’t know why), up Canyon/Brock’s, and then the hard core guys went up to Jacob’s while the rest of us went down Rush, and out. And then to In n Out. Which was nice.

Afterward, Ryan tried to get some of us to go ride the north Suncrest road on his big boy big wheels. [See video in sidebar--prepare to be amazed]

Very tempting, but I told him my first time on the big boy big wheel wasn’t going to be at midnight, on the north side of Suncrest, in 30 plus degree weather.

Kris went though. Now I have regret. Kris out adventured me. I hate myself.

as good as a nobel prize

Most people have high hopes for their kids, and if they aren’t serial killers (most people, not their kids), they probably hope their kids end up as chips off the old block. You hope that the apple falls somewhere in the penumbra of the tree, as it were.

Well.

While I’m not much of a tweeter, I DO have a Twitter account, mostly so I can follow Maddy, and see what she’s up to.

So far no tweets from a seedy bar  in Tijuana. So I’ve got that going for me.

In fact, the other day, she tweeted this:

Umm, table in the bathroom? Just in case I wanna eat my ice cream while Amy has to go?

And she added this picture:

I couldn’t be happier if she had MD after her name.

the boo poo poo platter

Aaaaand, we’re back.

That is, the boo’ing has reached a heretofore unreachable low.

Well, for me. Holden loves Cosmic Brownies.

Yup. A pair of Cosmic Brownies.

Kim is taking it personally, but she’s not mad at y’all, she’s mad at me. That is, she says I’ve provoked the world, and the world is provoking me back, and she’s caught in the crossfire.

Or, to put too fine a point on it, all y’all are cutting off Kim’s nose to spite MY face.

Well played sir. Or ma’am.

last minute night ride. with holden.

Dark have been my dreams of late.

But a night ride with Holden made it all better, at least for a while.

We were just hanging out, throwing the football, arguing about Shakespeare and Harry Potter with the Dames (not dames, and not royally recognized British women, but rather, just “the Dames). The usual.

And Holden said “Hey, I wanna go night riding.”

Well, I had some lights, on the charger, just waiting to be used. So why not? (Thanks Elden.)

This would be my first night ride video. Well, it’s my second attempt, the first one I chased Steve and Sally down Rush, but I had a helmet cam, with a bar light, and so I videoed a whole lot of darkness. This time I put the camera on the bar, and the light on the bar, and it worked better. Next time, I’ll add a helmet light.

Having 10 riders would be a nice addition too, but I’m starting with Holden. He’s my favorite night ride partner.

Columbus Day Special

Columbus Day is my new favorite holiday.

Brandon, who serendipitously works in the mortgage industry (it’s his fault), gets Columbus Day off. And a few years ago he began the tradition of heading to Moab to ride the Whole Enchilada on Columbus Day.

One long day, one long trail, home before bedtime. What’s not to love?

Last year I rode it on my Sabrosa. Wherein I discovered that the main difference for me in going downhill on a rigid single or a Trek Scratch with 1,000 inches of combined travel isn’t so much the speed, as the comfort.

Okay, maybe there’s a little speed difference too.

Orange is getting some shop love right now, so I began a new tradition. Once a year, on, say, Columbus Day, I shall rent a big, fat, squishy behemoth of a bike, and take it down the Whole Enchilada.

This year, due to snow levels, we didn’t get the Burro Pass or Hazard County sections. Turns out, you can have a whole lot of fun on the UPS and main Porcupine sections.

And with a free afternoon because of the truncated morning ride, we got to do some ‘splorin.

Welcome, Pipe Dream. With weary legs, riding it south from town was hard enough that Steve and I renamed it “Suck.” But once we turned around and rode Pipe Dream north, we changed our minds. They can now change the trail signs to “Doesn’t Suck.”

Jesse brought the family car:

You’re going to have to excuse me for letting the video run a little long. It’s hard to capture the full day, 3:45 am start, 3.5 hour drive, shuttle, Whole Enchilada, lunch, Pipe Dream, and ride home, all in one video.

Okay, it’s not that hard.

Little slice of heaven:

Might be the best burger I’ve ever had. Brandon enjoyed his, I think:

A good day. Thanks Brandon.

is this okay to joke about?

If my kids did this, I would make fun of them. If YOU did this, I would make fun of you.

I mean, it’s on a poster. I’m not saying the poster is awesome. But it’s on a poster.

I’m in the book. They could have called me.

more offsites like this

Generally, a work offsite (or, a work ONSITE for that matter) is not top of my list of fun things to do.

But if they were all like this, I might be persuaded to change my mind.

I need to look up more. I mean, maybe we ALL need to look up more, but I literally need to look up more.

Because then I would have captured Burke’s unfortunate encounter with a root in even more fantastic glory.

But this’ll do.

proper incentive

I think I’ve figured out how to get Holden into mountain biking.

I think it’ll work.