green jeans

June 23, 2008

Have you ever lived in South America? I lived in Chile for two years, from December of 1984 to October of 1986, during the middle of Pinochet’s illustrious reign. Exciting times. Every month or so, there would be a general strike, and we would have to stay inside for a day or two, and we would go to sleep to the sound of gunfire and bombs and tanks in the street. In fact, once we had to duck into the bathroom of the house we were living in, because it was the only room with cinder block walls, and the bullets were coming through the plywood of the rest of the house.

I watched mud houses collapse in a major earthquake, entered a creaky six floor hospital to salvage medical supplies during aftershocks, got soaked with an anti-riot water canon (the dreaded Guanaco), and was even chased by a USA hating mob that was burning overturned cars.

But my most memorable experience in Chile? Mr. Green Jeans.

Mr. Green Jeans, a nice kid from Brigham City, UT, had been in country for about a week (I was going on 20 months), and his digestive system still lacked the fortitude required to eat and drink local cuisine, including whatever bugs happened to crawl in your mouth while you slept, or your food while you ate. Green Jeans was having trouble keeping his food on the inside.

Of course, we all had that trouble off and on. In the most common way to greet a fellow Gringo in Santiago, we would announce the state of our colon, rushing up and saying “Dude! I’m solid!” Because we had all spent an evening or two being followed down streets by dogs intensely interested in the contents of our underwear. Went with the territory. You just hoped the locals didn’t notice. Yeah, right.

But Mr. Green Jeans, well, his introduction to life in Chile was a bit more abrupt. More spectacular. And much more entertaining.

We left our house in the middle of a pleasant summer day, heading for the bus stop, looking to go pick up our mail downtown. The bus stop was about a 15 minute walk from our door, and about halfway there, Green Jeans suddenly stopped, and got that look on his face, like Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, when he asks if he can go to the bathroom. Frozen in place, GJ was trapped, knowing if he moved or relaxed, there would be little he could do to stem the flood.

Sometimes, by grace, we would be saved, and the moment would pass. We called those moments “Intervals.” If you were lucky enough to get an interval, you damn well better take advantage. GJ got an interval, but would it be enough? Ya think?

“Let’s Go!” I barked, grabbing his arm, dragging him down the sidewalk, toward a grocery store that might have a toilet he could use.

But after a few steps, he froze again. Except, by this time his load had settled, and no amount of squeezing could save him. From behind, I saw a dark splotch appear in the center rear of his unfortunately colored light gray pants, a splotch that quickly grew lighter, and bigger.

And GJ lost his nerve, and ran. Rookie mistake.

As he sprinted up the sidewalk, trying to get home, the splotch covered his ass, ran down his leg, and appeared at his socks. He actually shed bright green debris out the bottom of his pants as he ran. He took off his backpack, held it comically, pathetically, over his butt and kept running.

He sputtered and cried as he stumbled along. “I’VE CRAPPED MY PANTS AND EVERYONE CAN SEE IT!” he yelled, in English. Which was certainly true.

I tried to keep up, but I was slowed considerably on account of not being able to breathe from laughing so hard. At one point, I had to sit down on the sidewalk to catch my breath.

When I finally caught up with him at the house, he had jumped in the shower, fully clothed. We ended up throwing his clothes away.

Welcome to Chile man. How long do you have left?

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23 Responses to “green jeans”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    What a horrible, hilarious story! I was laughing out loud here at work – good thing everyone’s gone today.

    Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – one of my favorite comedy movies. I’ve got to get it on DVD (have it on old ratty VHS). “May I take your trident, sir?”

    Hey, I have an OK photo of you from the Tri – you’re rising from the waters. Also a few good ones of “the sisters”, mostly screaming. Go to my blog, at the bottom of my post about the Tri I have a link to More Photos.

  2. Jonnie Says:

    Dug – I always know you are good for a good poop story to get my week kicked off in style. Eyes watering…sides splitting.

    jj

  3. brkeyes7 Says:

    dug, while your fountain of manliness may trickle your fountain of funny ass stories flows like niagra. I’ve heard them all, I think, but they never cease to amuse. I could hear them over and over. My fave, “i’m here dug.” please tell.

  4. Bikemike Says:

    in the immortal words of senior beavis (or was it butthead?) POOP!

  5. mocougfan Says:

    I’m befuddled. That was freaking hellarious. Seriously funny that one.

  6. Rick S. Says:

    that’s it. I’m finding you a book deal. This needs to be the opening chapter. Good stuff.

  7. fish Says:

    I had tears running down my face as I read this and had to stop reading a couple of times because I was laughing so hard. Brilliant.

  8. Bikemike Says:

    dear dug,
    i know it’s ok to have reading material whilst on the throne but is it ok to brush your teeth at the same time thus, killing two birds with one stone?
    signed,
    cannot waste time

  9. dug Says:

    bikemike, no. just no. make that NO!

    here is a list of acceptable things to do while pooping:
    read, but not the bible.
    text or email or web surfing(on blackberry or iphone, say)
    rubiks cube. cuz why not?
    origami.

    list of prohibited activities:
    eating. never. not even gum.
    drinking. never.
    talking on phone. almost never.
    sleeping. cuz who knows what might happen?
    picking your nose. seriously?

  10. Bikemike Says:

    so, it is o.k., great, thanks.

  11. dug Says:

    nooo. not brushing your teeth was the head of the list, which is why it wasn’t ON the list. to list it again would have been superfluous.

    although, based on your reaction, maybe not.

  12. Bikemike Says:

    i don’t even know how to spell superfluous, much less, know what it means.

  13. mocougfan Says:

    Dug,

    As the resident dentist do you mind if I answer this one for Bikemike?

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Sicko

  14. mocougfan Says:

    btw….Flossing is strictly prohibited as well. Seriously. Where are you going to spit?

  15. dug Says:

    mocougfan (you know, i shouldn’t tell you this, but until i talked to you climbing the hog last week, i never deciphered your handle, i just assumed it was maguffin, or something like that, and was either your actual name, or an homage to alfred hitchcock and his concept of the maguffin, the reason for the chase, or the thing everyone chases in movies, but now i see, you are a cougar fan, i never got that before, and by the way, nice to meet you.), you said it best. although, another guy i lived with in chile used to sit on the toilet, and he sat far enough back on the seat that he felt comfortable dropping spit between his legs into the bowl.

    but that is no excuse for you, bikemike. no brushing, no flossing. don’t treat my list of acceptable and unacceptable as exhaustive, it’s just something to get you started. like the ten commandments, it’s a sample. think of it as a primer, for the new testament law–do no harm (nothing icky).

  16. mocougfan Says:

    Dug,

    Nice to meet you as well. Tho I’m a bit embarrassed that as we were talking on Saturday I fell over. Still not good with the stupid clips in the mountains. I did enjoy talking with Kim as well. She’s very nice.

    I am a huge Cougar Fan. Yes I live in Missouri.

    Brush and Floss. Just not on the seat. What if you missed in your spitting because you thought you were sitting back far enuf. Hopefully you would be smart enuf to opt for a shower. Yuck. Segregate the activities friends.

  17. Grizzly Adam Says:

    I come here thinking I will read about the Tri, and instead I get a story about uncontrollable diarrhea. Simply brilliant. And incredibly funny. The visual image is both disgusting and hilarious.

  18. bikemike Says:

    I sit, corrected and correctly. sorry for any heinous mental images i’ve presented.
    thou shalt not do anything that involves 2 orifices at the same time…amen.

  19. mocougfan Says:

    bikemike….just curious where you were SITTING when you wrote your last post.

  20. Bikemike Says:

    cougar, oh no, i’ll not fall for that again.
    although, i am also curious if the new testament law works the other way. is it o.k. to fart at the dinner table?

  21. fish Says:

    Bikemike – the lesson to be broadly applied is that food and feces have their separate spheres and those sphere should never be brought into proximity, much less be overlapped. An absolute no to farting at the dinner table, unless you are using it in the place of fightin’ words.

  22. Americanson Says:

    I spent two years in Bolivia and understand the running Hershey Squirts all too well. Thanks for bringing back such painful yet funny memories.

  23. Ken Says:

    Holy crap. I’ve never seen this blog before. I’m going to see it again. That’s definite.


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