the bees hate me

May 15, 2009

You know how you never seem to have the cameras rolling when you’re attacked by a swarm of bees? That’s so annoying.

You know what else is annoying? When your wife and 14 year old son make endless fun of you for being attacked by a swarm of bees. I mean, have they ever SEEN a swarm of bees? Or even more than just 2 or 3 bees in one place? I say No.

Elden was there IN the swarm of bees with me. You don’t see HIM making fun of me for running away from a swarm of bees so thick the sun was blotted out from the sky. This was wrath of God, biblical plague kind of stuff.

One second we’ve just climbed Clarks, and we’re heading across the saddle to climb to Jacobs, and the next second the sun is covered with a million sentient pieces of shrapnel, and we’re being pelted as we ride through. Kim asked me “um, didn’t you see them? Why did you ride into the swarm?”

Well, in retrospect, I can see how that question makes sense.

But in the moment, it went like this:

1. Just riding along.

2. Attacked by a swarm of bees.

3. Jumping off my bike and rolling around in the dirt trying to get them off me.

I realize that’s not a great explanation. YOU try getting attacked by a swarm of bees and then rationally explaining it.

I had enough trouble getting off my bike and rolling around trying to get the bees off me. Elden, in whom the bees seemed strangely uninterested, helped me swat at them, after we got out of the swarm. Apparently only a few of the bees were of the fully Africanized variety, because I was only stung 3 or 4 times, and only one of those stings presented any risk of actual death, or at least very heavy itchiness and some mild swelling.

Now that I’m not actually being pursued by the swarm, and can breathe and think normally again, I can see that maybe they weren’t entirely Africanized. They may have just gotten stuck in my jersey.

But I’m pretty sure they attended some Africanized bee training camps. Which we should totally bomb with cruise missiles. Today.

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20 Responses to “the bees hate me”

  1. Brett Says:

    so you really need to stop whining about yow bad the bathrooms are in your office.

    http://www.kutv.com/content/news/watercooler/story/Rotten-Office-Fridge-Cleanup-Sends-7-To-Hospital/0j_s3ha00EevpLb_jdLIUw.cspx

    yes, they might have been nasty, but did they hospitalize anyone?

    Sorry to hear about the bees though…but mainly because I am planning on riding Clarks during lunch today. Hopefully I can’t corroborate your story.

  2. mark Says:

    For once, I’m glad I skipped the ride.

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    Kim needs to stop calling you Honey. That’ll solve your bee problem.

  4. HowardBollixter Says:

    Sentient? Yellow jackets? Try zombified pachinko bullets. Three times I have been swarmed, getting as ‘few’ as 17 stings and as many as 25+. It’s actually difficult to get an accurate count as they hang on and keep stinging the same spot, they have to be physically removed. Evil, evil, shites. You have my sympathy for the ensuing itch-fest, it is worse than the original pain/panic.

  5. stevenbpt Says:

    I warned you they were out. I think I passed a hummingbird while riding the motorcycle yesterday on my way home. It seemed to be looking for someone. It took a hard look at me but it seemed to think I was fatter than the person it was looking for. Just sayin.

  6. bikemike Says:

    the bees have your scent now…they’ll find where you live. i’m sorry. bees are the killer whales of the insect world, misunderstood, yes, deadly never the less, you betcha.

  7. WheelDancer Says:

    Just now I’m glad I don’t have a trip planned out there for some mountain biking. I was swarmed by bees when I was 5 or 6 and fortunately don’t remember much of it but was stung hundreds of times and rushed to the hospital where I understand Benadryl was a major part of my diet for a while. I did come out of it with the understanding that watching a swarm of bees approach is wrong while getting your arse out of there as quick as possible is a great idea.

  8. Thom Says:

    Were any of you riding Chris King hubs with their “angry bee sound”?
    http://chrisking.com/store/t_shirts/t_angrybee

    If you were, perhaps they felt threatened and attacked.

    Iy you weren’t, then maybe you should get a set to ward off the bees.

  9. Jay Says:

    I know this is way too logical but what color jersey were you wearing and what was Eldon wearing. I used to get attacked by bees all the time until i stopped wearing yellow. Might not be yellow might be whatever color you were wearing. It could have been your helmet shorts jersey whatever. Bees can tell. So don’t take it personally. They also react to pheromones. Maybe it’s your soap or even your natural smell. I have seen swarms of bees on several occasions. It’s a scary but sort of fascinating experience.

  10. Flyin' Ute Says:

    I was flying down Rodeo 3 years ago and a bee got caught behind my glasses and started stinging my face right by my eye. Hurt like crap.

    I tried to swat it but my glasses were blocking the little bugger and he just kept on stinging me. I was finally able to rip my glasses off just before I crashed my bike and tumbled hard into the weeds off the trail. I needed my hands on the brake, remember, because I was FLYIN’!! I don’t know if I have every crashed harder.

    My whole face swelled up.

    I hate bees.

  11. Jdub Says:

    Eldon, really hoping you had the helmet cam minus the lenscap on for this episode.

  12. Charisa Says:

    Bees + Bicycles = UGHHHHHH. Let me know when you bomb them with cruise missiles. I will come help!

  13. Boz Says:

    Reminds me of the time I was attacked by a rogue pack of vicious, possibly rabid, wolverines. My CIA, ninja, samurai training sure came in handy that day, you betcha!

  14. stevenb Says:

    I’ll bet the bees were pushed into your path by the chupacabra!!


  15. [...] the bees hate me You know how you never seem to have the cameras rolling when you’re attacked by a swarm of bees? That’s so [...] [...]

  16. Jenny-Jenny Says:

    Wow, sounds personal. What did you do?


  17. [...] For a corroborating story, read Dug’s The Bees Hate Me. [...]


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