April 7, 2008
Remember The Crying Game? It came out in 1992, took the world by storm, got nominated for a bevy of awards, including best picture, won best screenplay at the Oscars, it’s got a 90 on metacritic, and on and on. I don’t know if it was THAT great. I mean, I remember it, I remember liking it, and I remember thinking it was like three different movies in one, and I remember thinking, Hey, this Forest Whitaker fella, wasn’t he in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
But mostly, I remember thinking, This movie is good, but I really, REALLY have to pee. So I got up to pee. Now I’m a fast pee’er. People notice. I’ll come back from peeing at a movie, and people will comment. Usually they’ll say something like “You did NOT just go pee, you’ve been gone like 10 seconds.” But they’re wrong. I mean, who would do that? Who would say they’re going to pee, then just stand in the hall for a minute, then come back? All so people think you’re a fast pee’er? That’s just stupid.
But this time, when I came back from peeing, Kim did NOT comment on how fast I’d been, nor did she ask me if I’d REALLY gone to pee. This time she was as agitated as if she’d just seen a ghost. She was practically jumping around in her chair, her mouth was agape, and she couldn’t even talk (normally a good thing in a movie theater).
I had left at the beginning of what appeared to be a standard movie-fare sex scene, where Stephen Rea and Jaye Davidson (how’s that for an ambiguous name) are about to get to know each other a little better. No big deal, seen it a thousand times.
Kim couldn’t seem to find a way to express to me what I had missed. I looked at the screen, and clearly there was no love happening there, and both characters seemed a bit out of sorts. Finally Kim composed herself long enough to point at Jaye Davidson on the screen and say “That woman there, THAT ONE, she has a penis. And she showed it to us.”
See? You can NEVER pee fast enough.