it is what it is?

May 2, 2008

how can you be happy for any good news on a day with news like THIS? there is no sense, no order, no control, no fairness.

i am pissed off. this sort of thing has been going on for as long as people have been going on, how are we still here? how do we keep on keeping on? i’ve lost a sister, a father, and i’ve bounced back, i’m not untouched by tragedy. why is this so bad? i’ve wanted to throw up since i heard. is it because i just heard it? i knew she was sick, i also knew how sick.

we all got foreboding when the cancer came back, but, you know, she beat it the first time, she could beat it again, right? do the right things, keep all your appointments, take your meds. everything will be fine, right?

4 kids under 15. 6 year old twin girls . seriously? there’s a silver lining in there somewhere? i’m not buying it.

i’m just angry.

it’ll pass. it always has. but that makes me mad too. really, we can just move on? time heals all wounds? THIS?

i’m sure this isn’t helping. not me, not her, not them.

i don’t even know how to help. they don’t need me, they have family around, good friends and neighbors close by. and they have god, right? but I want to help. i want to do SOMETHING.

the worst is internalizing it. “what if MY wife got this news? what would I do? how would I feel?” but how selfish is that? my wife is fine, my kids are fine. so now i feel guilty for getting to make plans, to go home and relax, catch a movie. when they have to deal with THIS, a giant THIS that will never go away, that just hangs there, like damocles and his damn sword.

so i try to get myself back to them, focus on the ones who are really suffering.

and then i try to forget it for a while. how do we live with this, day in, day out? you have to, right? you don’t live IN it, at least I don’t. you just have to live WITH it. like living in the shadow of a volcano or something.

people do that all the time, right?


9 Responses to “it is what it is?”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    I’ve been somber all day. Many of the thoughts you’ve expressed have played out in my mind also. So hard to make any sense of THIS.

    I’m going to ride Clarks after work. Maybe the magic of the bike will bring me some understanding and/or peace. You’re welcome to join me for single-track therapy (all are welcome).

  2. Jay Says:

    So crappy…

  3. karrielyne Says:

    Aww..Dug. Such tragic news for all of us, even for those of us that really don’t know them, such as myself. I still feel the remorse and the heartache and the unfairness of it all. Be strong for your friends…be there for when they need you. **hugs**

  4. RJ Says:

    I don’t know you, other than what I’ve seen on the fatcyclist blog. But your sentiments are mine exactly.
    It’s been 51 weeks since I lost my “little” sister to cancer. She was 29. Three kids: a five year old, a three year old and a two year old.
    I’m still so angry I could scream…and sometimes I do. You say you’ve made it through before. Perhaps someday I will too.
    Thanks for your words…letting me know there are others out there.

  5. Laura Says:

    Dug, One thing you can do to help Susan AND us out here in blogland is talk to Botched and see if he’s still got that PO Box for Susan and post the address in fatcyclist comments (or have Elden post it in the blog itself).

    Cancer is a malicious, pernicious beast (I start my fourth version of chemo in a few weeks for my second type of cancer) and sometimes Rage is the appropriate response.

  6. Bill F. Says:

    Amen brother! What can I say, amen. My thoughts exactly. You put in words what all of us are thinking. We do what you guys did today by coming to Holden’s game. We take every moment to support those we love. That’s all we can do. We make time count. Right now, that really doesn’t make me feel better and it certainly doesn’t make the Nelsons feel better. It just seems like all we can do…

  7. Bob Says:

    It’s bad enough that cancer got into her body, but getting into her brain is too cruel. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

  8. mark Says:

    Dug, thanks for writing what so many of us are feeling.

  9. dan Says:

    dug, just do what you did for me last year: keep talking, keep being there. The hardest part of living with cancer is that people get weird on you — they fade away and avoid you, or they are falsely cheerful and bug the hell out of you, or they tell you stories of someone they knew who was healed. I started avoiding people last year when it became clear that they weren’t helping. You, on the other hand, just kidded with me about “whistling past the graveyard” and it was a great relief to know that I could have a casual conversation that included the word “cancer” and not have to deal with some kind of amplified emotional weirdness.

    I’ve never met Susan, I hardly know Eldon, I’d like to do something supportive for them but feel like an outsider. They definitely have a good support system. Just keep in touch, don’t wait to be asked if you want to do something for the family, be ready to LISTEN and let them know that whatever they want to talk about, you’re there. If they don’t need you around, that’s OK, but you’re better off letting them know that you’re available than staying away.

    It’s a tough balancing act, but the best way to help is to stay constant as a friend. A great book on how to be with cancer survivors is “Help Me Live” by Lori Hope.

    and, yeah, cancer sucks. It’s not a gift, it’s not a blessing, it’s a mean disease that can be painful and ugly. Rage against it. People do live with it, it becomes a companion to your life, and you always know there’s the chance that one day that companion will tear you up from the inside and take you away from this life. But you just keep living with the days you have left.

    Two recommended movies: “My Life” with Michael Keaton (a bit too sweet, but realistic) and “Wit” with Emma Thompson (gritty, realistic, moving without any faith in the afterlife). Let me know if you want to borrow them.

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