it is what it is?
May 2, 2008
how can you be happy for any good news on a day with news like THIS? there is no sense, no order, no control, no fairness.
i am pissed off. this sort of thing has been going on for as long as people have been going on, how are we still here? how do we keep on keeping on? i’ve lost a sister, a father, and i’ve bounced back, i’m not untouched by tragedy. why is this so bad? i’ve wanted to throw up since i heard. is it because i just heard it? i knew she was sick, i also knew how sick.
we all got foreboding when the cancer came back, but, you know, she beat it the first time, she could beat it again, right? do the right things, keep all your appointments, take your meds. everything will be fine, right?
4 kids under 15. 6 year old twin girls . seriously? there’s a silver lining in there somewhere? i’m not buying it.
i’m just angry.
it’ll pass. it always has. but that makes me mad too. really, we can just move on? time heals all wounds? THIS?
i’m sure this isn’t helping. not me, not her, not them.
i don’t even know how to help. they don’t need me, they have family around, good friends and neighbors close by. and they have god, right? but I want to help. i want to do SOMETHING.
the worst is internalizing it. “what if MY wife got this news? what would I do? how would I feel?” but how selfish is that? my wife is fine, my kids are fine. so now i feel guilty for getting to make plans, to go home and relax, catch a movie. when they have to deal with THIS, a giant THIS that will never go away, that just hangs there, like damocles and his damn sword.
so i try to get myself back to them, focus on the ones who are really suffering.
and then i try to forget it for a while. how do we live with this, day in, day out? you have to, right? you don’t live IN it, at least I don’t. you just have to live WITH it. like living in the shadow of a volcano or something.
people do that all the time, right?