look first, sit second, poop third

May 12, 2008

You know how women complain about men leaving the toilet seat up? Of course you do, it’s an old, recycled complaint, and an old, recycled joke from old, recycled comedians. But really, I’m guessing nobody really cares about that anymore. We now believe in personal responsibility.

But there is another call/shriek from the bathroom that makes me think that women must use the bathroom with their eyes closed (how else can you explain the toilet seat issue? Would you ever in a million years sit on a toilet with the seat up? EVER?).

More often than is reasonable, I hear this plaintive cry from the bathroom:

“I NEED TOILET PAPER!”

Come on. Really? It never crossed your mind to check the TP status before you did your business? What, exactly then, IS crossing your mind at that point? What, at that point, could possibly be more important?

Let’s get this straight once and for all:

1. Look

2. Sit

3. Poop

If you don’t see what you need after step one, please don’t proceed to step two. Please?

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19 Responses to “look first, sit second, poop third”

  1. Bikemike Says:

    crap! that’s funny.

  2. mark Says:

    The fact that you have more than one entry filed under toilet paper is both disturbing and funny.

  3. dug Says:

    mark, we’re just scratching the surface. so to speak.

  4. BotchedExperiment Says:

    I was eating breakfast in a cafe in Oaxaca, Mexico when I felt an urge. It was an urgent urge. Due to this sudden preoccupation, I had difficulty forming the words to ask where the bathroom was, and I certainly lacked the ability to focus enough to pre-plan my bathroom experience.

    After squatting over a pipe and expelling my weight in water and checking to make sure my intestines were still on the inside of my body, I looked around for a roll. There was none; not even a hanger for a roll. In fact, there wasn’t even a sink or a faucet. I wasn’t wearing socks (now you know the real reason that nowadays I alwasy wear socks with my sandals).

    The onlything I had with me was paper Pesos, and consistent with my run of luck, I somehow managed to have what must have been the only brand-spanking-new Pesos bills in all of Mexico.

    Since that day I have been a meticulous pre-planner of bathroom trips and have rarely been without a small roll or a back-up plan.

  5. Bikemike Says:

    dug,when you use the phrase “so to speak”, are you using the same inflection that tom cruise used when he said “i will be like a ship with a cargo that never makes port, so to speak”, in “the firm”. just curious, it sounded just like him.

  6. Rick S. Says:

    Dug- Might I recommend a spare roll stashed somewhere in the bathroom? Kind of like the socks in your glove box.

  7. sleepy Says:

    I refer to it as the reach of shame. I really don’t want to see what is going on behind the door and I dont really want to open the door and hand her toilet paper. I don’t understand it either, she yells from the bathroom and I am just dumbfounded that she actually did her thing without checking the supplies.

    My checklist includes

    Look for TP
    Look for reading material
    Sit
    Do the deed

  8. dug Says:

    botched–that’s what underwear is for. it’s like a secret spare stash.

    mike–no, it’s more like benedict in “much ado about nothing”–“There’s a double meaning in that.”

    rick s.–seriously? you think when i bring home a huge case lot of TP i don’t immediately go to every bathroom in the house and place several spare rolls? cuz i do. this isn’t my first rodeo, partner.

  9. mark Says:

    Sleepy–you must not have daughters. Because you were using the singular “she.” Sons, on the other hand, at least those under the age of 10, don’t look for toilet paper and don’t care. They’ll use underwear as dug recommended, but without taking it off.

    Botched–I don’t know anyone who has spent any non-trivial amount of time in latin america who doesn’t have a similar story. First time i’ve heard of using crisp paper notes, though.

    Perhaps at some point I’ll blog about the airplane story…

  10. Rob S Says:

    Botched – was that your political way of saying that you disagree withe NAFTA?

    Mental note: Do not borrow books/magazines from Sleepy…

  11. KanyonKris Says:

    Checking the TP has had it’s ups and down for me. Growing up odds were good the TP would be there, but far from a guarantee. With my college roommates it was every man for himself – near anarchy. With my wife I took for granted the TP would be there – we both made sure of it. But with my kids it’s back to uncertainty. I have one child who calculates that even 1 square left on the roll absolves her of roll changing. So, yes, I have to check now.

    But it bothers me to have to check. Feels like de-evolution. Have we no honor? Is it Lord of the Flies? Shouldn’t we pay it forward?

  12. dug Says:

    kris, what IS and WHAT SHOULD BE has no place when it comes to your ass. either check, or always carry your own.

  13. KanyonKris Says:

    Hehe, true dat. SHOULD BE’s don’t cause an empty TP tube to sprout paper. If only every bathroom had a bidet. 😉

  14. Richie Says:

    So true

  15. BotchedExperiment Says:

    As I was typing up the story, I was wondering to myself why I didn’t use my underwear. I guess I either didn’t think of it, I wasn’t wearing any, or they wouldn’t fit down the pipe.


  16. I must say, I have never actually heard someone yell for it.

    Maybe this is because I live alone. So, so alone. Sigh

  17. Fish Says:

    I agree with Botched, the times that I’ve been left without toilet paper (I’m ashamed to admit it’s happened more than once) have been due to urgency It really boils down to a question of contamination volume: If I crap my pants, that’s a full load on me, not in the toilet. If I make it to the toilet, even if there is no toilet paper, there’s a lot less contamination on me. And I’m always perfectly willing to sacrifice underwear when it comes right down to it.

  18. Fish Says:

    And I’ve never actually asked anyone, other than my wife, for toilet paper.


  19. Great advice! some times the best ideas are the most simple.


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