i’m not crazy, you’re the one that’s crazy
May 19, 2008
Lately I’ve been identifying with Suicidal Tendencies. Not that I want to, or even think about committing suicide, no. I mean the punk band and their song.
Some things are important, and some are not. Some things should be done a certain way, and others should be left alone.
I have a list.
Let’s start with toilet paper.
When one uses the bathroom, one should never have to worry about whether there is sufficient TP. I’m NOT saying one shouldn’t have to CHECK if there is TP, I’m saying one shouldn’t have to WORRY about if there is TP. Why?
Because good, God-fearing folks do the following:
1. If the TP is low when they are done, they replace it. And by low, I mean, not sufficient for an average visit by an average person. So about half a roll.
2. When replacing the TP, good people do NOT simply place the new roll on the carboard tube on the hanger. I’m sorry, really, you’re THAT important that you simply have NO time to remove the cardboard tube and put the new roll on the hanger? Well then, if you’re THAT important, surely we can get your assistant to do it.
3. Good people hang the TP “over the top” rather than underneath. Fishing for TP under or behind the roll=bad. You should be able to simply smack the roll, and have it spin you a length.
4. When good people put a new roll on, they “start” the roll. That is, don’t make me do that when I’m in medias rex. That’s a bad time to be doing anything other than the task at hand. The first square of a roll sticks to the roll. Unstick it. Seems simple enough.
5. If a good person needs to plunge, the good person makes sure the plunger is completely DEBRIS-FREE before replacing the plunger. I will NOT debate this.
Some other things that don’t make me crazy, just, um, particular.
I can’t use the kitchen if the dishes aren’t done. I have trouble even getting myself a bowl of cereal if there’s a plate or fork in the sink. I lose considerable time this way. Also, I’m pretty sure others have noticed this about me, and may be taking advantage. On the other hand, rather than using the vacuum to clean the carpet, I’m more in favor of picking up the stuff you can see. If I see a piece of lint, or a cheerio, or a gerbil, I pick it up and throw it away. If I can’t see it, it doesn’t need to be cleaned up.
If my kids (or anyone, I guess) load the dishwasher poorly, I have to reload it. Plates must all face the same direction. Bowls also. I mean, really, otherwise the plates form some sort of weird frisbee, sealed saucer, and I don’t think the water can get in there. Which sort of defeats the purpose of a dishwasher. On the other hand, I’m happy to eat cereal in front of the computer or television. In fact, I’m happy to carry and eat food anywhere but the actual poo room. In the tub, for example, where I enjoy a box of cookies and big glass of milk.
I hate bread crumbs on the kitchen counter, and I hate when the bread isn’t closed with a twist tie. But I don’t care at all about jam in the peanut butter, or peanut butter in the jam.
I HATE globs of toothpaste in the sink. Who would spit in the sink, and not rinse it down? On the other hand, I don’t care if the toothpaste tube gets squeezed from the bottom. I’m not in a hurry, and if there is toothpaste in that tube, I’m confident in my ability to find it. Oh, and I tend to cut my toenails on the edge of the tub (since I lack the flexibility to sit and do it), and let them fly INTO the tub. And then I’ll make a half-hearted effort to rinse them down. They’re biodegradable, right?
I’m just saying. I think Suicidal Tendencies had it right.
Mike, I don’t think you’re crazy. Sometimes all you really need is a damn Pepsi.