i’m not crazy, you’re the one that’s crazy

May 19, 2008

Lately I’ve been identifying with Suicidal Tendencies. Not that I want to, or even think about committing suicide, no. I mean the punk band and their song.

Some things are important, and some are not. Some things should be done a certain way, and others should be left alone.

I have a list.

Let’s start with toilet paper.

When one uses the bathroom, one should never have to worry about whether there is sufficient TP. I’m  NOT saying one shouldn’t have to CHECK if there is TP, I’m saying one shouldn’t have to WORRY about if there is TP. Why?

Because good, God-fearing folks do the following:

1. If the TP is low when they are done, they replace it. And by low, I mean, not sufficient for an average visit by an average person. So about half a roll.

2. When replacing the TP, good people do NOT simply place the new roll on the carboard tube on the hanger. I’m sorry, really, you’re THAT important that you simply have NO time to remove the cardboard tube and put the new roll on the hanger? Well then, if you’re THAT important, surely we can get your assistant to do it.

3. Good people hang the TP “over the top” rather than underneath. Fishing for TP under or behind the roll=bad. You should be able to simply smack the roll, and have it spin you a length.

4. When good people put a  new roll on, they “start” the roll. That is, don’t make me do that when I’m in medias rex. That’s a bad time to be doing anything other than the task at hand. The first square of a roll sticks to the roll. Unstick it. Seems simple enough.

5. If a good person needs to plunge, the good person makes sure the plunger is completely DEBRIS-FREE before replacing the plunger. I will NOT debate this.

Some other things that don’t make me crazy, just, um, particular.

I can’t use the kitchen if the dishes aren’t done. I have trouble even getting myself a bowl of cereal if there’s a plate or fork in the sink. I lose considerable time this way. Also, I’m pretty sure others have noticed this about me, and may be taking advantage. On the other hand, rather than using the vacuum to clean the carpet, I’m more in favor of picking up the stuff you can see. If I see a piece of lint, or a cheerio, or a gerbil, I pick it up and throw it away. If I can’t see it, it doesn’t need to be cleaned up.

If my kids (or anyone, I guess) load the dishwasher poorly, I have to reload it. Plates must all face the same direction. Bowls also. I mean, really, otherwise the plates form some sort of weird frisbee, sealed saucer, and I don’t think the water can get in there. Which sort of defeats the purpose of a dishwasher. On the other hand, I’m happy to eat cereal in front of the computer or television. In fact, I’m happy to carry and eat food anywhere but the actual poo room. In the tub, for example, where I enjoy a box of cookies and big glass of milk.

I hate bread crumbs on the kitchen counter, and I hate when the bread isn’t closed with a twist tie. But I don’t care at all about jam in the peanut butter, or peanut butter in the jam.

I HATE globs of toothpaste in the sink. Who would spit in the sink, and not rinse it down? On the other hand, I don’t care if the toothpaste tube gets squeezed from the bottom. I’m not in a hurry, and if there is toothpaste in that tube, I’m confident in my ability to find it. Oh, and I tend to cut my toenails on the edge of the tub (since I lack the flexibility to sit and do it), and let them fly INTO the tub. And then I’ll make a half-hearted effort to rinse them down. They’re biodegradable, right?

I’m just saying. I think Suicidal Tendencies had it right.

Mike, I don’t think you’re crazy. Sometimes all you really need is a damn Pepsi.


15 Responses to “i’m not crazy, you’re the one that’s crazy”

  1. Bikemike Says:

    tell me why, i don’t like mondays
    tell me why, i don’t like mondays

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    No comment about your Jacob’s DH TT?

  3. Bikemike Says:

    ooohhh, Kanyon Kris, Monk rules. that man could seriously take care of some tp problems.

  4. dug Says:

    i wanna shoo . . . ooo ooo ooo . . .t. the. whole. day. down.

    i’ve seen monk. i like it. but come on. you KNOW monk would care about the toothpaste tube, he would NEVER eat in the tub, he would be a fanatical vacuumer. that monk IS crazy.

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    The silicon chip inside [dug’s] head gets switched to overload.

    Yes, yes, Monk is MILES away from your obsessiveness. Uh, huh. Sure. 😉

    I’m sure glad I have no odd quirks. Like watching for number patterns in the odometer or digital clocks, or pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows to remove stray hairs so they don’t fall into my eyes, etc.

    I used to be more particular, but the kids have slowly driven away most of my perfectionism. Once you’ve had a baby spit up on you (again and again and again…), sick kids barf on you, clean up a previously unimagined array of, uh, bathroom mishaps – you tend to not sweat the small stuff anymore.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    Oh, and a habitual use of emoticons. 🙂

  7. myscatteredramblings Says:

    Are you sure you aren’t a woman? You are the only man I have EVER heard of with these opinions. Plenty of women, but no men. I’m sure your wife is pleased beyond belief!

    I ran an experiment on my husband once – just to see how many toilet paper rolls would be gone through before he actually replaced the roll. We were up to 3 cardboard tubes on the counter + the one on the roller before I broke down and did it!!

  8. bikemike Says:

    holy crap, i mean, literally. not only do righteous men insist on proper tp etiquette but we also are sticklers for the proper type of tp. it must have the correct, umm, cling factor. none of this silky smooth aloe enhanced garbage. something just shy of the sunday paper without the print. plus, if you’re a cyclist, it helps to toughen up the nether regions. down, down ,down.

  9. Bob Says:

    Here’s the rule on toilet paper. Lots of backup rolls should always be stocked in the bathroom in the drawer or cabinet closest to the toilet. When the stash gets down to 3 or 4 rolls, you need to shout out “RESTOCK TOILET PAPER!!” and someone writes it down on the grocery list. Then there’s none of this fretting that leads to replacing a roll when it’s halfway used. Every time you go to one of the super stores, you should buy a big load of toilet paper and then pack the rolls into the bathrooms and sundry storage facilities.

    There should also be a plunger in every toilet — this is America — and if you shave your head bald, it’s OK to use the plunger to become Toilet Head Man.

  10. b_banks Says:

    hey dug, you know we’ve been noticing you’ve been having a lot of problems lately……..

  11. UtRider Says:

    dug – I thought of you this morning while using the bathroom at work when I noticed the tp was run underneath, instead of over the top of, the roll. It’s probably just a matter of time before I begin stocking a desk drawer with personal tp. What’s happening to me? Life was so simple before…

  12. dug Says:

    it was not my intention to cause anybody to think of me while they poo. please stop it immediately.

  13. Rob Says:

    uh… amen? (to both Dug’s bathroom foibles as well as the poo thing)

  14. Don’t worry about the suicidal tendencies. The grass is greener on the other site!

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