i’m not crazy, part ii

July 7, 2008

I am the most normal person in the entire world. There is nothing weird about me, nothing crazy. I’m so normal I’m boring.

So, you can understand that I get a little worried, or nervous, or concerned, or FREAKED OUT when this happens:

Kim and I are driving from Draper all the way up to Lagoon to pick up the kids. We stop at Chipotle on the way, and each pick up a naked burrito (just the contents of a burrito in a bowl, no tortilla) to eat on the way.

We’re back on the road, and she eats her burrito first, gives me a couple bites (hers was better), and when she’s done, she unwraps mine. I got some sour cream on mine, along with some cheese, and she asks me what I want her to do with the sour cream. I say “just stir in the sour cream and cheese.”

And she says “Oh yeah, I forgot about you and your food prep.”

Now, you good folks living in the Internet, am I crazy? “Just stir in the sour cream and cheese.” That’s what I said. I eat my food like everybody else, I put it on my plate, and I eat it with a knife and a fork. I don’t even mind if the corn gets in the potatoes, or if the bbq sauce gets on the beans. Don’t care.

I have “Food Prep”?

I grew up with 5 brothers, 4 of them older than me. When we would have steak or roast beef for dinner, I learned early on that you don’t cut your entire steak into bite size pieces, then eat them one by one. Cuz with those rabid animals sitting at your table, you would end up with just the one your fork was already stuck in. So you put your fork in the piece you want to eat, then cut it off from the main piece. That way, the small piece is never out of your control.

But that’s not crazy. Or weird. That’s Norman Rockwell normal.

Once during a Fall Moab trip, we went to JBs for a late night dinner. We’re all sitting at the table, eating like normal people, and suddenly Rick Maddox says to Brad “Hey Brad, do your impression of dug eating.”

I Am Not An Animal! I Am A Human Being!

So I tell that story like 10 years later, while having a family Sunday dinner at Kim’s mom’s house, and Sleepy says “I totally know what he means. Here, I’ll do it.”

WHAT? People DO me eating?

I will now light myself on fire.

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13 Responses to “i’m not crazy, part ii”

  1. Bikemike Says:

    knife and fork, are you nuts. eat with you fingers. that’ll give’em something to copy. especially when it’s something like chili or pasta. then use your butter knife for soup and such.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    If you do light yourself on fire, could you talk a bath in BBQ sauce first? I’ll bet you taste good.

    I wish I would have paid attention to you eating at RAWROD. Evidently I missed the show. Maybe you could charge admission?

    dug, you’re not a raving eccentric, but if you’re boring, then my whole notion of what boring is just went out the window.

  3. mark Says:

    Do you have dinner plans? I’d like to watch.

  4. BotchedExperiment Says:

    I don’t know about ‘food prep’, but Brad, Rick, and Gary’s reenactment of the impression of you eating was comedy gold. And true.

  5. Ricky Says:

    I’ve actually given this much thought. I’ve determined that the prep Kim refers to is what I call packaging. Those who know you know that eating is a fairly complex, fairly involved task for you. Better yet, it’s a process or routine. Despite your best efforts to be a simple go-with-the flow eater, this is true. The proof is in the details. Before, during, and after your packaging, your routine includes a constant shifting of the shoulders (up and down), constant adjusting of the lid if you’re wearing one—especially lids with brims—it’s up, it’s down, up again, repeat. Your beverage is constantly changing positions on the table. What about that knife and fork? Well, they’re on the plate, now they’re in your hands. They’re up, now down. Sure, we all put them down from time to time to drink or scratch, but not after every bite. That simply wouldn’t be efficient.

    The most noticeable step in your pre-load routine, the one I really love, is the way you package your bites. In my mind, that’s the lynchpin in your eating routine. See, you are constantly prepping for your next bite. Or, in other words, you are constantly packaging. You package your food neatly on your fork and prepare it to be loaded into your food-hole. While we go-with-the-flow eaters are scaling the food delivery to the bite that randomly gets on our forks, your delivery is a deliberate attack. Once your bite is packaged and your fork is loaded, and after you give the package a quick visual QA inspection, your delivery is an aggressive, snappy, quick pitch. The package goes in and the fork is dropped immediately. In unison, your shoulders go back down and your hand is on your lid, moving back and forth or up and down. Moments later, you’re preparing your next packaging decision. For finger food, everything applies but without the fork and a little less packaging.

    Simple? No.

    Now don’t go change your packaging process. We’d have to alter our dinner conversations. I’m not prepared to do that.

  6. brkeyes7 Says:

    It’s the only impression I can pull off. Thanks for that.

  7. Sleepy Says:

    Its like a snapping turtle. The neck extends to the food, takes a bite, the retracts instantly. Simply entertaining.

  8. mocougfan Says:

    Hey Brad or Sleepy. How about YouTubing it for us. Sounds like it is worth seeing.

  9. Rob Says:

    I couldn’t get past the part about the burrito without the tortilla.

  10. Bikemike Says:

    pretty sure a burrito without the tortilla isn’t a burrito.

  11. KanyonKris Says:

    Naked burrito = Stew

  12. Jonnie Says:

    Dug – What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?

  13. Eric Says:

    You are not weird at all. When I got back from Army basic training, I went to dinner at my girlfriends house. A nice Mormon girl who’s father was a local UHP officer. We sat down to a nice fried chicken dinner. Can you see it? Me and the large clan, dressed nice and chatting. Linen tablecloth. Mom in her Sunday best and dad and the kids all neat and shiny. And I desperately wanted to make a good impression on dad. Now, remember, I’m just a couple of days out of “You’ve got 6 minutes to eat and 3 are already gone.”
    So, mom puts the mighty full plate in front of me, the family bows it’s head and commences to victualizing. I naturally did what I’d been trained to do. I put my head down and proceeded to consume an entire chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, salad and 3 rolls in about a minute thirty. I started to ask for seconds when noticed the table had gotten very quiet. I looked tentatively up and everyone had paused, with forks halfway to mouths, and was staring at me in unabashed horror. All except the youngest, a lad of no more than 4 who said “That was so cool.”
    We broke up shortly after and I never got invited back.
    Man, I’m still hungry.


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