well, THIS is inconvenient
July 18, 2008
You know how sometimes, you’ll be just standing there, talking to someone, maybe about why they’re wrong for thinking Juno was a crass and crude representation of high school life, and you get that “not so fresh” feeling in your gut, a bit queasy, a bit uneasy, things piling up, shifting around, and maybe a bead of sweat forms on your forehead?
In the history of humanity, has this EVER happened in a convenient place? Like, in my bedroom, while watching tv or reading a book, while my beautiful bidet-toilet waits in the next room? No, it’s always airport bathrooms, or you’re on a train, or even at a very new friend’s house for a bbq.
This happens to me (not EXACTLY like this, not ALWAYS talking to someone about Juno) about once a quarter. That is, maybe 4 time a year. I haven’t always had this problem. Just as long as I can remember.
One time this happened in Barcelona. Scheduled to present to about a hundred sweaty Europeans about some Identity Management software, I was in the speaker ready room when that “not so fresh” feeling hit me, letting me know that I was anything but ready.
I spent the next hour on the floor of a public restroom stall, doing the hokey pokey, “not so freshness” coming from both north and south poles. I had no Euro cell phone, so I couldn’t call a replacement speaker. I managed to pull myself together and walk into the presentation room with 30 seconds to spare. A room overflowing with conference goers, no moving air, and a spotlight highlighting every bead of sweat on my face. I almost fainted several times, and spent the rest of the afternoon passed out in my hotel room tub.
But last night, I was at the company picnic. Not at the company office, where I already don’t like the bathroom, but at a city park. In the middle of ranting about why Aaron’s take on Juno was so completely out of touch and indefensible, I had to suddenly stop, mid-sentence, and say “um, I have to go.”
People have tried to think up unique tortures for me, like someone in the next stall offering to share their fries and burger with me en medias rex. This was much worse. City park bathroom, bare metal toilet, puddle of water on the floor. And me having to do the hokey pokey, the big 180, all while sweating so much I could have wrung out my shirt. And when I flushed, the whooshing water would cool off my nether ye, and briefly super-cool the metal seat, pretty much to super-collider temperatures. Which actually felt a little nice, considering the sweat. Rinse, repeat.
Does this happen to you? Is it just me? It is just me, isn’t it? DAMN it!