torture is BACK on the table

August 25, 2008

You know how in some stories or movies there’s this moment toward the end where one character, who never really understood some other character, and hated them for something they did, or didn’t do, and he/she finally gets it, finally stands in their shoes for a second and something clicks, and suddenly the lightbulb goes on and they go “ohhhh, NOW I get it”?

Like in In Bruges, when Ralph Fiennes wants to kill Colin Farrell cuz Colin Farrell accidentally killed a little altar boy while he was killing the priest, and then in the last scene, suddenly Ralph Fiennes’ killer GETS it.

Or maybe, less graphically, your own kids finally teach YOU what your mom has been trying to say to you all these years–Being a parent is hard.

Well, I think now I understand Donald Rumsfeld.

Saturday, Kim and I took the motorcycles down from Suncrest and up Big Cottonwood Canyon to have a muffin at the Silver Fork Lodge. Kim was leading, and just as we’re midway through the S turns about halfway up the canyon, a mysterious force suddenly took a handful of lit matches and pressed them against my inner right thigh. Or, to look at it another way, the baby alien from Aliens apparently germinated in my THIGH instead of my chest, and chose the S turns of Big Cottonwood Canyon to emerge. Ouch.

OR. Or rather, a bee the size of my HEAD flew up my shorts and let loose the dogs of war. I’m telling you, I almost drove off the road and into the river.

I’m a grown man. I have, in fact, been stung before. But never by some kind of genetically enhanced battle hardened WAR bee. Oh my God! I smashed the sumbitch all over my leg, and, since I was driving a motorcycle, and nobody could hear me, screamed the rest of the way up the canyon.

I was SO ANGRY with that damned bee that I was actually sorry I had killed it. I wanted to bring it back to life, catch it, and kill it SLOWLY over a couple of days, first the right wing (ha), then the left, then the legs, you get the picture. I wanted to catch OTHER bees and kill them. When I got home, I went and bought Raid, and razed several innocent colonies on my roof.

It’s been two days, and my leg is actually swollen, sore, itchy, and feels like I got hit with a baseball bat.

Kim bought one of those bee traps, where the bees can get in, but they can’t get out. Ever.

That’s right, Bees! We’ve got our own little Guantanamo right here in the Anderson back yard. Bring it on. Tell your friends.

UPDATE: it’s been 4 days, and this is what it looks like (I’m telling you, this bee was MEAN):

bruise sting


15 Responses to “torture is BACK on the table”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    dug’s War on Bugs. Will probably be as successful as that other war. No matter, the thrill of taking action against an adversary is reward alone.

    I believe you could make your next million selling a line of shorts with drawstring legs for bike riding (motor or pedal).

  2. Bikemike Says:

    yep, just watched In Bruges last week. when colin thought he got away after he jumped on the canal boat and ralph nailed him with the handgun from a distance, didn’t see that coming. check out L4yer Cake with daniel craig, if you haven’t already.
    will you torture mosquitos if i fed-x a box to you or should i just fill up a box and light it on fire?

  3. Bob Says:

    Just don’t agree to a timetable.

  4. Hamish A Says:

    Nice spoiler there Bikemike for those of us a little behind with our Netflix 😉

    If you want something to torture you can come help in my front yard – I’ve got a wasp nest that’s in a very hard to get to place and so far I’ve been stung multiple times and set my pants on fire trying to get rid of them.

    I will get them. Just as soon as my pride is healed.

  5. mtb w Says:

    Ahh, To the pain. Bee sure to leave its ears (do bees even have ears?) so it will bee in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.

  6. steve Says:

    ahhhh, not all bees are like that one. you probably got one that was mad Hilary Clinton didn’t get the nomination. the rest are just pollinating away and minding their own business. or, do you mean all bees must be bad because this one attacked someone riding across it’s air space?

  7. bikemike Says:

    fire is the ultimate torture tool. or is it water?

  8. dug Says:

    mtb w, amen. every shriek of every child at seeing their hideousness will be theirs to cherish. Every babe that weeps at their approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in their perfect ears.

    bike mike, just put em in a box and burn it. works for me.

    steve, no, these bees are TERRORISTS. and don’t forget to enjoy yourself, or the terrorists win.

  9. eber Says:

    you should put the yellow bee traps on your motorcycle (two on each side)! yeah…kind of like Paco on the SS.


    p.s. just don’t put too much of the meat juice in the traps – people would wonder why you always smell like bacon.

  10. Rob Says:

    Sounds like a hate crime.

  11. dug Says:

    well, I hated it.

  12. Rick S. Says:

    Dug- You sure it wasn’t a hummingbird?

  13. dug Says:

    rick, that is brilliant. it all makes sense now. ALL of it.

  14. tonks Says:

    ROFL Funny stuff!

    Maybe it’s just karma. Did you ever torture bees/bugs for fun as a child? Now it’s coming back to bite, ahem, sting you.

  15. steve Says:

    I still vote it was a hummingbird.

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