September 9, 2008

Sleepy got me thinking about the disaster the Internet would have been for my Dad, had he lived this long.

My dad was a sucker for late night infomercial crap. I must have picked up a bit of that, since I bought some orthopedic pillows off the TV, and when I called I said “and it’s within 30 minutes, so I get the FREE pillow case!” I’m pretty sure the operator on the other end of the line wanted to reach through the telephone and slap me across the face. “EVERYBODY gets a pillowcase you @#$%&$# TOOL! Now give me your credit card number before I hang up on you!”

But my dad bought stuff that never even saw daylight outside the packing boxes. We had pocket knives, sheath knives, huge collections of classical, jazz, and easy listening cds (really, hundreds), funky pen sets, car dashboard gadgets, even fishing poles. The only time I’ve ever used a knife is at scout camp, whittling a stick into a smaller stick. I’ve been fishing exactly twice in my life, neither time past the age of ten.

I think the best thing he ever bought was accordion tupperware. Because then you wouldn’t have to move your leftovers from the BIG tupperware into the SMALLER tupperware as you eat it. Get it? The tupperware SHRINKS. Isn’t that GENIUS?

We used it once. Seriously, how do you CLEAN that stuff?


4 Responses to “CALL NOW!”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    Infomercials are fascinating. It’s like hypnotism, a backdoor into the brain. We all think we’re too smart to fall for a sales pitch, yet who hasn’t watched an infomercial and started to think “hey, I need one of those”?

    Just yesterday I needed to cut a boot in half, but alas, I didn’t have the proper cutlery. And I regret that I’ve never scrambled an egg in the shell – IN THE SHELL, it’s like magic!

    And you’re right, the Internet makes impulse buying even easier than a phone call. I’m sure plenty pf people are addicted to Internet shopping and eBay. You just clickety click and in a few days “presents” show up at your door and it’s Christmas every week! If I had the disposable cash, this would be me.

  2. bikemike Says:

    with Elden going to interbike in a couple of weeks, my mind wonders if there is a convention for infomercial companies. can you imagine the noise overload in that place with everyone shouting at you (with their wireless headsets and their english/aussie accents) as you walk by.

    didn’t george foreman start out in one of these? what a wonderful way to cook boneless, skinless, tasteless chicken.

    not sure how my dad would’ve reacted to the internet. i’m not quite sure what my reaction is, yet.

    i don’t think infomercial people ever poop or pee, they’re on tv all the time.

  3. BotchedExperiment Says:

    Clean it with a chainsaw.

  4. mark Says:

    I think you and Epic Adam are on to something. If you could turn the fitness montage into an infomercial, I’ll bet you could make a killing. If you do, just remember where the idea came from.

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