swerve right turn left

October 27, 2008

Long long ago, in a small Midwestern suburb far far away (okay, it was Golden Valley, a suburb of Minneapolis), my brother Steve and I were almost killed by an all too common species known as “Ass Hats Who Don’t Know How To Properly Turn Their Cars!”

We’re driving along (well, Steve was driving along–he was/is 2 years older, so he ALWAYS got to drive–which meant that he always got the tickets too, or course), following what appears to be a normal car piloted by a normal driver. The driver in the car ahead suddenly swerves ten feet to the right, like he/she isgoing to actually TURN to the right.

So Steve slides to the left, to slip by. But the car ahead is not piloted by a normal driver, it ispiloted by an “Ass Hat Who Doesn’t Know How To Properly Turn His/Her Car!” The AHWDKHTPTHHC suddenly swerves BACK to the left, turning directly into us. Apparently he/she wants to turn left, but needs a clearer shot at the corner.

But Steve is like Steve McQueen in Bullet, and he knows how to deal, and we live to dodge another day.

I bring this up, because, as you no doubt know, evolution moves slowly, and sometimes seems to hit dead ends, and other times, what appears to be the weakest and stupidest of the species sometimes appears to get the upper hand, due maybe to some hidden strength, or maybe because once a species becomes intelligent and self-aware, maybe evolution slows down or even stops, because we now take care of our weak, our down-trodden, our lame, oh, and the Ass Hats Who Don’t Know How To Properly Turn Their Cars!” They live on. Tragically.

And apparently they follow me around, getting in front of me at key moments, their only purpose in life clearly is to DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Why? Why can’t you just hug the middle line, and turn at the apex of the intersection? What advantage is gained by swinging to the right, and THEN turning left?

A sub-species does the reverse for right turns, of course, and while it’s aggravating, it’s not quite AS aggravating. It evens makes sense in that case, IF YOU’RE DRIVING A 500 FOOT LONG TRIPLE TRAILER. Otherwise, not so much.

Please, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU, just pull to the corner and turn. No swinging. Not complicated.

Or, get a sign, one of those clear advertising wraps they put on cars these days, one that says this on all sides of the car:

Ass Hat Who Doesn’t Know How To Properly Turn His/Her Car!

Thank you for your attention to this matter.


8 Responses to “swerve right turn left”

  1. bikemike Says:

    Dug, it’s called “counter-steering”, you’ve heard of it in motorcyle terms but in car terms, it’s a little more exagerated and goes the opposite of the way you’d think.

    in florida we call those people “ass-clowns”.

  2. steve Says:

    it sounds like you learned from a wonderful example and also lived to make your plea without mishap. I didn’t see Bullet but I’ll take that as a compliment. Fortunately there do not seem to be too many of these “counter-steerers”, that was easier than your acronym.

  3. mark Says:

    Right up there with the ass hats are the trucks (and by trucks, I mean any large vehicle incapable of measurable acceleration, including fully-laden minivans) that think because they are going 66 mph on the two lane freeway and the truck in the right lane is going 65 mph, that they need to pass, even when a car going 82 mph is closing quickly in the left lane while making his twice weekly 350 mile trip that he doesn’t want to last even a second longer than it needs to.

  4. KanyonKris Says:

    dug, striking another blow for sane behavior. Sadly, I don’t have high hopes of victory.

    The only reason I can come up with for this style of turning, and many other perplexing driving habits, is extreme laziness. Hey, if they didn’t do the swing out they might have to release a hand grip and rotate the wheel another 1/2 turn. Same with turn signals – too much work for these dullards. The TV remote control is the exertion benchmark.

    I’ve mostly given up and assume that everyone on the road will do something illogical at any moment so I stay back to hopefully give myself time to avoid the unexpected maneuver. It’s sad to give in like this, but it’s my self-preservation instinct kicking in.

  5. forgingahead Says:

    In San Francisco these are the people who swing REALLY WIDE into their driveways. I’m surrounded.

  6. BotchedExperiment Says:

    Dude, that’s my favorite play: Fake Left; Go Right.

  7. Steve Says:

    Dr. Botched – Does this mean you SAY you are voting for Obama, but in the end you are voting for Palin?

  8. bikemike Says:

    Steve, scary stuff, no one says mccain, they say palin.
    it truly is halloween, my skin crawls.

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