swerve right turn left
October 27, 2008
Long long ago, in a small Midwestern suburb far far away (okay, it was Golden Valley, a suburb of Minneapolis), my brother Steve and I were almost killed by an all too common species known as “Ass Hats Who Don’t Know How To Properly Turn Their Cars!”
We’re driving along (well, Steve was driving along–he was/is 2 years older, so he ALWAYS got to drive–which meant that he always got the tickets too, or course), following what appears to be a normal car piloted by a normal driver. The driver in the car ahead suddenly swerves ten feet to the right, like he/she isgoing to actually TURN to the right.
So Steve slides to the left, to slip by. But the car ahead is not piloted by a normal driver, it ispiloted by an “Ass Hat Who Doesn’t Know How To Properly Turn His/Her Car!” The AHWDKHTPTHHC suddenly swerves BACK to the left, turning directly into us. Apparently he/she wants to turn left, but needs a clearer shot at the corner.
But Steve is like Steve McQueen in Bullet, and he knows how to deal, and we live to dodge another day.
I bring this up, because, as you no doubt know, evolution moves slowly, and sometimes seems to hit dead ends, and other times, what appears to be the weakest and stupidest of the species sometimes appears to get the upper hand, due maybe to some hidden strength, or maybe because once a species becomes intelligent and self-aware, maybe evolution slows down or even stops, because we now take care of our weak, our down-trodden, our lame, oh, and the Ass Hats Who Don’t Know How To Properly Turn Their Cars!” They live on. Tragically.
And apparently they follow me around, getting in front of me at key moments, their only purpose in life clearly is to DRIVE ME CRAZY.
Why? Why can’t you just hug the middle line, and turn at the apex of the intersection? What advantage is gained by swinging to the right, and THEN turning left?
A sub-species does the reverse for right turns, of course, and while it’s aggravating, it’s not quite AS aggravating. It evens makes sense in that case, IF YOU’RE DRIVING A 500 FOOT LONG TRIPLE TRAILER. Otherwise, not so much.
Please, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU, just pull to the corner and turn. No swinging. Not complicated.
Or, get a sign, one of those clear advertising wraps they put on cars these days, one that says this on all sides of the car:
Ass Hat Who Doesn’t Know How To Properly Turn His/Her Car!
Thank you for your attention to this matter.