oh no

October 30, 2008

So.

So I’m just sitting at my desk, in my Office Space cubicle. I’ve got my Diet Coke, I’ve got a big bag of Twizzler Bites.

And I briefly feel “not so fresh.” You know?

And since I’m all alone in my spacious cubicle (it really is spacious, like a double-wide), and I have no meetings or interactions of any kind scheduled all morning, and I don’t want a stomach ache, I go ahead and do what I would do in the wild.

I fart. I have neighbors, so I’m discreet about it. Silent. But also, it turns out, an effluvium as potent as mustard gas. It may have had color.

Ten seconds later, the support tech enters the cube, and is visibly stopped by a wall of uncomfortableness (and an unseen Iron Curtain of ick).

“We’ve got a problem” she says.

Amen to that sister.

“The upgrade isn’t going well.”

And we have the most awkward FIVE MINUTE conversation in the history of awkward five minute cubicle conversations.

If this were a movie or a TV show, I would somehow trigger the fire alarm, or even jump over the cubicle wall and flee the building.

But it’s not. It’s just me in my class C office space, in my double-wide cubicle.

She keeps coming a little closer (remember, the cubicle is a double-wide), and then retreating. But we really don’t know each other very well, so neither of us can do anything other than maintain the polite fiction that I haven’t just fouled my cage so thoroughly that a skunk would hesitate before entering.

I may have to avoid her for the next 7 years.

21 Responses to “oh no”

  1. fish Says:

    In the wild? So I guess the shop counts as in the wild. I clearly remember more than one occasion you uttering the words at the shop, “What am I going to do, hold it in and get a stomach ache?” My secretary seems to have a knack for not stopping by my office the entire day except for the times that I’ve made the area unbearable.

  2. dug Says:

    fish, that totally begs the question:

    you have a secretary?

    i remember YOU at the shop, living out of your car. sort of.

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    I’ve always wondered what the statute of limitations was on flatulence offenses. 7 years sounds about right. Would it have been lower if it had been a man and not a woman? I better stop now, there’s probably a whole sliding-scale table of penalties for breaking social laws.

    Thank you for amusing me with your faux (foul?) pas.

    I guess you’ll be (forced) to ride sweep tonight given this confession.

  4. mark Says:

    Dug, you’ve taken oversharing to a whole new level. It’s an art form for you. And since you’ve not just talked about your own flatulence, but your daughter’s as well, it’s that much better.

    Here’s the thing, though. Statute of limitations is about seven years for the woman you offended. Had I walked into the cube, however, we would have high-fived and gone out to the hall.

    I feel better for having read that post, as if I somehow avoided a stomach ache I wasn’t going to have anyway.

  5. bikemike Says:

    Dug,
    remember how you said your kids laughed at words like fart, poop, etc. well,i can belch, cough and fart at the same time. my stepson always laughs at this and it it is an added bonus if it smells (bad). he thinks it’s a talent (it is) and likes to tell his friends. his mother thinks it’s mostly disgusting but laughs if it’s timed to perfection and all three happen at the exact same moment.

    women need to get over this, they do it all the time ( they’re liars if they say otherwise), my experience is theirs smell much worse…something about better diets and what not. if everyone just did it, laughed about and moved on, we’d be better off.

  6. steve Says:

    I laughed for 5 minutes and almost farted myself from the pressure. I can see the face now, with an expression a mixture of disgust and embarrasment at being caught in a non-escapable moment. I think she will probably avoid YOU for 10 years. She might even find another job if she has to come looking for you again.

    bikemike, I agree with womens smell worse. I am married with 5 daughters and my daughters have been influenced by Dugs daughter. congrats on the 3fer talent!!!

    So Dug, there may be moments when you need to post a sign that says what Jim Carrey says in some forgetable sequel “Do NOT go in there!!!”

  7. fish Says:

    touche.

  8. Adventure Nell Says:

    Men….sigh

  9. dug Says:

    hey nell–poo, butt, fart.

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

  10. Mocougfan Says:

    I don’t have a double wide. We usually go into the hall when that occurs.

  11. bikemike Says:

    don’t nobody go into that room for 35 to 45 minutes.

  12. Geoff Says:

    Dug — for future reference, let me introduce you to the “carpet bomb.”

    Carpet bomb — The act of farting at random intervals down a hallway (such as a school or hotel) so that the origin of the smell is unknown.

    Learn it, live it, love it.

  13. dug Says:

    geoff, i thought that was “crop dusting.” although, maybe the distinction is in whether you are disguising or flaunting.

  14. Geoff Says:

    Dug,

    Interesting. Yeah…maybe one is stealth and one is Shock and Awe. Anyway — when I need to let loose, I never do it in my workspace. The risk is too large (as you have found) — I always crop dust/carpet bomb.

  15. Rick S. Says:

    i’d like to see you do what my dog used to do on the carpet. Sit down, spread out your legs and use your arms to move down the floor leaving a brown streak.

    THAT would be a cool office trick.

  16. JB Says:

    Dug, This was funny. I have two of the nicest ladies on the planet working in the office next to me and this situation has happened to me/us (who actually IS the victim in this situation??). If and when I have to let er’ go I now just move some where else in the building so that maybe the foulness might be in my office but I however am nowhere to be found.

  17. Flyin' Ute Says:

    And that’s what diet coke does to you!!!!

    Bring it on Anonymous.

  18. dug Says:

    fu (and i mean that in the best possible way), i find that collateral damage to be WELL within acceptable parameters for diet coke consumption.

  19. Kathy Says:

    My husband just mentioned the other day that he’s had more frequent and fouler smelling flatulence lately. I blame the economy. I think we all need some Tums.

  20. Mike in Fremont Says:

    That had me belly laughing at my keyboard. Reminded me of a couple months ago after eating a big lunch at the Indian buffet. I think it was the fried cabbage and lamb and peas that had my stomach rumbling. Nobody was in my area so I let it go. My eyes were watering and sure enough, the only visitor of the day, a woman who is part of a group I go to lunch with came by looking for my boss. She said something in Tagalog, (Filipino), and bolted at mach one. I avoided her for about two weeks. Since then nothing has ever been said and we still go to lunch.

    mj

  21. cheapie Says:

    ahahahaha! i totally did this the other day and it wasn’t like i was standing up and could casually move the conversation outside my cube. what can you do but pretend it didn’t happen?


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