not better
November 12, 2008
I hate thinking that you all think I’m a whiner, but I need someone to talk to about this, and you guys, well, where are you gonna go? The election is over, you need SOMETHING to read, right?
Check this out:
That’s the big bathroom stall door in my office bathroom, as seen from inside the stall. That roll of deluxe toilet paper, of course, is my own, brought from home, bought with my own money, from my allowance.
But that’s old news. More importantly, notice the latch used to lock the door so nobody stumbles into the stall while I’m in there enjoying a little alone time.
Wait, that’s right, THERE IS NO LATCH. It broke off like a month ago. And hasn’t been replaced. So for the last month, I’ve had to wedge my pinky finger into that little hole and try to jimmy the latch over to lock the door. And to unlock the door. After I poo. The same little hole and latch that EVERY OTHER MALE IN MY OFFICE IS WEDGING THEIR FINGERS INTO EVERY DAY. So now I bring a pencil into the bathroom with me. (And apparently a camera.)
That’s right. It’s been a month.
Oh, and check this out too:
That’s the hole in the ceiling where the fan would go if our bathroom HAD a fan.
But we have no fan. In our bathroom. Where people poop.
A lot.
dug 
November 12, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Somebody call Amnesty International – no one should have to suffer this kind of abuse.
You bathroom kit keeps growing. What’s next, a plunger, rubber gloves, hazmat suit?
Funny stuff, dug. Maybe this topic is wearing thin with some of your readers, but I still chucked all the way through the post. Of course your humorous delivery is very good so maybe that’s it.
November 12, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Maybe someone got stuck inside the stall when the latch broke, then escaped through the ceiling where the fan used to be. Then they came back, cleaned up their mess and their experience has left them wary of any lock-able stall door, so they removed the latch altogether.
November 12, 2008 at 1:22 pm
it might be time to personally pay for your own private portable bathroom. We have an account through Honey Butter portables if you want to set one up. They come clean and re-stock tp every week.
November 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Remind me never to borrow your pencil.
November 12, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Funny and sad at the same time. Maybe buy your maintenance person a box of chocolate?
November 12, 2008 at 2:50 pm
can’t you hold it all day dude.
i did it in high school because i was afraid of getting jumped and robbed. went to school in the 70’s during the height of busing. got jumped once in junior high and that did it for me.
pretend you’re doing a century and try to hold it or go to lunch at a nice restaurant with an even nicer bathroom.
or just hold it.
November 12, 2008 at 3:41 pm
My recommendation would be to just let go. Stop worrying about proper bathroom etiquette and/or procedure. Leave your special toilet paper in your desk drawer, sit down with the stall door open, make conversation with any co-workers that come in, flush at most two times (if you’re really feeling crazy see if you can go 3 wipes before flushing for the first time) and view any residual odor as the highest compliment to a job well done.
Be sure to let us know how it goes. I’m pretty sure this approach will make you feel much better about the bathroom at work.
November 12, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Is that the only men’s room in your building? I’m thinking it’s time to start scouting out an alternative.
Your quest:
“I fantasize about a massive, pristine convenience. Brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved from ebony, a cistern full of Chanel Number 5, and a flunky handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll.”
Under the circumstances, you should not settle for anywhere.
November 12, 2008 at 4:56 pm
oh, fish, dude, cmon. this aint my first rodeo.
i work in a single level class c office building. two companies, one private owner, one mens room, one womens room, divided by one skanky drinking fountain.
the closest alternative acceptable bathroom (besides the 7 eleven a mile away) is at the salt lake city bicycle company.
now, at the risk of sharing too much (ha ha ha ha ha), i can tell you that i’ve gone a week without dropping the kids off at the pool, if you catch my drift, but that’s only when traveling.
when i’m on my daily routine, it is what it is. nothing would make me happier than to be a 7am guy and use my magical bidet toilet every morning.
alas, i do not belong to that evolutionary branch. i am a dead end. so to speak.
November 12, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Obama needs to shore up our nation’s infrastructure.
November 12, 2008 at 5:42 pm
wipe like your sipping tea (pinky extended), ask the rest of the office to do likewise and then what’s the worry?
November 12, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I KNEW it wouldn’t get better if America voted in Obama!!! I would bet you among the minority who bother to try to latch the door but you could make a nice sign and put it on the outside of the door if the pencil idea is getting old. “log rolling contest in progress, please do not disturb” or something else discreet. Or, you share everything with us here on the private internet, just share with your colleagues. Or, get a sign for the womens bathroom about “cleaning in progress” or something and try out theirs!!
November 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm
You are a whiner. I am not complaining mind you, just stating a fact. I enjoy your blog. It makes me feel. . . normal. At any rate, while in the Army, we frequently had no stalls. And in the field we often had a limited tp supply, and when you shat, you had to have a buddy lieing right there next to you pulling security duty (doody?). Your bathroom looks like paradise to me.
November 12, 2008 at 8:26 pm
to fix your immediate short-term problem, drink smooth move. my friend gb told me about it last weekend when my burden was heavy. i took crap from all my other pals for drinking it but i have been lite since. don’t mention it.
for your ongoing poo concerns, why now? why are these things now an issue for you? yeah, i saw the pix—GaaROSS! but for someone who pees on the side of the highway with cars passing no more than 10 feet away and who is comfortable conversing with others through the walls of his (YOUR) stall while bearing down, this should not be an issue. ok, admittedly, that wasn’t helpful. try this. next time you dig, slide your foot under the door so others can see it when they enter the not palace. they’ll see it and know… i have no answer for the fan. it’s creepy. who’s in that hole in the ceiling?
sorry you must poo in such sh#$%* conditions.
November 12, 2008 at 8:57 pm
why don’t you use some of the crappy TP and fold a few squares over and wedge the door shut with those?
November 12, 2008 at 9:33 pm
ricky, i’ll look into the smooth move, thanks for the tip.
i will not dispute the peeing thing. i will, in fact, pee anywhere.
but i have different standards for the number two. your assertion that i am willing to talk while in the stall is both libelous and untrue. and just mean.
November 12, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I’ve been catching up on your stories, and they crack me up. Don’t you ever take care of, well, this sort of business before work? Isn’t that what the bathroom reading material is for??? I am glad that you find Salt Lake City Bicycle restrooms acceptable. I painted those doors myself. I do maintain them myself occasionally. However, the men’s sink is about to fall off the wall – surely, you’ve noticed.
November 13, 2008 at 9:04 am
I should have known better. Sorry, man.
November 13, 2008 at 9:38 am
Gotta admit to having my own bathroom which has my personal shower and everything. Very nice after I ride my bike (I have a spin bike in one of the side rooms that I ride when it’s unacceptable outside).
So it’s hard for me to understand your, um, dilema. You could medically make yourself drain the tub in the morning. Get into a rhythem of cleaning out the pipes early.
I’m sure that wasn’t helpful. Sorry. I’m still sore over your Harmons.
November 13, 2008 at 9:43 am
I wonder what everyone in your office thinks when they see you heading toward the bathroom with toilet paper and a camera.
November 13, 2008 at 10:22 am
And a pencil Lin… you know he’s holding that thing out away from him. After all it’s been in “that room”!
November 13, 2008 at 11:52 am
he cheats, the phone has a camera!!! Maybe you can get some construction going outside and then go use the porta poddy. It’s gotta be better than yours.
November 13, 2008 at 12:23 pm
DOODIE!
November 13, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I just love this blog more and more every day.
November 15, 2008 at 8:58 am
Well first, the hole is not for a fan, it’s for ceiling cat.
November 18, 2008 at 12:24 am
I have a bathroom that looks exactly like that at my work. It appears that the people I work with do not like the inconvenience of using their pinky finger to latch the lock. I am saying this because it is obviously the least used based on cleanliness. Rarely are there traces of debris skid marks or other unsavory tidbits left on the seat in this stall while the stalls adjacent to it are, let’s just say well used. I’m just saying that a broken latch is not always a bad thing. Missing fart fan, that is a crime against humanity.