everything is bigger in here

November 19, 2008

FYI, and in a bit of shameless self-promotion, I have a guest post up over at Elden’s site. www.fatcyclist.com. Over there. Go ahead, read it. I’ll wait.

An old friend stumbled across this blog last week and left a comment, and, though I know she won’t be exactly excited that this is the post inspired by her memory, this post is inspired by her memory.

Because when Valene and I worked together over a decade ago on the documentation team at a large software company in Orem, UT, our team was housed in the basement. Now, I don’t mean to impugn the character of said software company–the offices were plush, 4 star resorts compared to what I’ve got today. We had nice multi-occupancy restrooms in the lobby of each floor, and the far ends of each floor sported a “one-hole” or “lockable” single occupancy bathroom.

And the we had a janitorial staff that visited EVERY NIGHT. Oh, those were halcyon days.

Anyway, the one-hole at OUR end of the floor was special. The overhead fluorescent light resembled the light in the opening office scenes of Joe Vs the Volcano.

But in a totally opposite good way. See, the light was weird and flickery and distorted objects like a funhouse mirror. There should have been a sign on the bathroom door: Warning, Objects In This Bathroom Are Not As Large As They Appear.

That’s right–the light in this bathroom made everything in it seem twice as big as it really was. EVERYTHING.

I used that bathroom every day. You remember how in Soapdish, Sally Field would go to the mall when she needed a bit of a “boost?” This bathroom was my mall.

Although, you had to be careful. Like, let’s say you were sitting, and stood up and turned around, for whatever reason (go with me on this). Let’s say you caught sight, just for a second as you turned around, of your ass in the mirror.

Remember? TWICE as big.

But still totally worth it.


13 Responses to “everything is bigger in here”

  1. bikemike Says:

    so, if you took a “footlong sub” in there by “accident” and took it out of the “wrapper”, oh my God, it would be huge.

  2. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    I think you’re wrong, Dug. I’m sure she’ll be quite excited about this post. So much so, that you’ll probably never hear from her again!

    By the way, how much time in the average day would you spend in this magical restroom?

  3. Rick S. Says:

    So you’re saying your nose looked big?

  4. dug Says:

    rick, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    son of a bitch

  5. Rich Says:

    I don’t wanna brag, but it could get really scary in there were I to go in and “unwrap a sub”
    Ok not really, in all actuality it would probably just give me insight into what it’s like to have an average size “sub”.

  6. ricky Says:

    those of you who know me know that i will never win an award for the world’s tallest man. i LOVED that bathroom. hi valene.

  7. steve Says:

    I didn’t know you had such a lack of confidence back then that you had to resort to light and mirror tricks to “boost” your self-image!! aaahh how times have changed. love ya bro!

  8. Rob (dug's brother) Says:

    reality is overrated

  9. KanyonKris Says:

    Since you are a stand-up pee’r and the toilet looked twice as big, did this result in more frequent “misses”?

    Wait, isn’t Rick saying you have a small or normal sized nose? Isn’t that half-sized of big?

    And thanks, fellow commenters, – now I can’t eat subs anymore. Must everything be a phallic euphemism? Have we males not evolved past this fascination? Yeah, I haven’t either.

  10. forgingahead Says:

    Ha. Sure. Blame it on the mirror. Whatever works buddy.

  11. I meandered over from Fat Cyclist and am seriously glad to have stumbled upon someone who ponders bathroom issues.

    Seriously, what’s up the the chair in your work bathroom?

    My issue is when I stay in a hotel and there’s a phone next to the toilet. No way on earth would I lay a finger on that puppy!

    Also, do you throw the pencil away after jimmying the stall lock? that would be a must for me.

    Yes, I know I need help.

  12. VaLene Says:

    Hi Ricky and Dug. I honestly don’t remember the funhouse quality of those bathrooms. Maybe the women’s was not distorted. Of course, I’ve not been one to take in my surroundings in each and every bathroom like you do. Fast and efficient is my motto. Your blog reminds me of many crazy, sometimes irreverent conversations at work. And now I’m convinced that you must have been the catalyst for those crazy days! I’m specifically remembering the “do ya’ look?” and the “spouse or no spouse” bathroom topics. I’m laughing now.

  13. Stacey J Says:

    Small world. I now work for the company that has taken over the building that you mention. You would be amused to learn that the landlord provides my company with the same chairs that were present in your day. Indeed, you yourself may have once graced one of the two chairs sitting on the opposite side of my desk.

    Believe me, it is an interesting exercise to explain to the landlord the potential liability involved in providing us with unmaintained 10 year old chairs that have an alarming tendancy to FALL APART WHILE PEOPLE ARE SITTING ON THEM.

    The moral of the story is that all that glitters is not gold…indeed, everything is relative, but rough TP would probably have been preferable to the concussion one of my co-workers received when the back of her chair fell off. While she was leaning back.

    not sure if they fixed the flickering light…

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