the birds and the bees

November 24, 2008

Could a parent experience greater joy than to teach his children the facts of life?

Well, yes, yes he could. For example, he could boil his own head. That would bring greater joy.

I took Ian to “maturation” a couple years ago, which is where an old guy tried to be hip and relate to 6th grade boys and tell them that someday they’ll start sweating and they should use deodorant. Very helpful.

So Ian and I went to the Purple Turtle for shakes and fries and a little more detailed discussion. On the way there, he let me know in no uncertain terms that if I used any of the official words for certain body parts, he would get up on his chair and scream “PLEASE HELP ME THIS IS NOT MY DAD!”

Whatever, he’s all talk. He only yelled that once, and nobody paid any attention. Which I guess doesn’t say much for the citizenry of Pleasant Grove.

This Summer, while watching one of the police procedurals he loves so much, Ian happened upon a Viagra commercial.

Kim was the nearest parent, so as she walked from the kitchen to the stairs he shouted out “Mom, why would someone want to take Viagra, it sounds dangerous.”

Kim and I have an agreement that she handles the birds and the bees for Maddy, I get to handle them for the boys. So, without breaking stride, she yelled to me “Hey, Ian has a question for you.” And she ran up the stairs.

Ian and I met in the hallway, where he repeated his question. I could hear Kim trying to muffle tears of laughter at the top of the stairs.

“Well,” I said. “Remember, we went over this at the Purple Turtle.”

“Right. But why would you take Viagra?”

“Well, you remember how this works, right? The man puts his . . .”


“But you said you wanted to know . . .”

“I changed my mind.”

Well, no way was I going to let it end like that. I mean, we were already rolling, right? Let’s do this thing.

We established what it was exactly that Viagra did.

“But why would you WANT that?”

I began to see the gap in his understanding. I looked around for props.

“Okay, I’ve got this straw, right? And here’s a piece of string. Try to push this string through this straw.”

Kim started sobbing with laughter at the top of the stairs.

“Not working, right? Okay then, now try it with this pencil.”

Kim was practically shrieking now.

And the light came on. “Ohhhhhh.” And then, “But seriously. FOUR HOURS?!”

Yeah, whatever. Go watch more TV.


24 Responses to “the birds and the bees”

  1. Jeff Says:


    You should have used this as your guest post for Fatty. You would have like a bazillion hits every day.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    Dude, I’ve got tears in my eyes. I think the tears came from trying to suppress laughing out loud here at work. Laughs, like sneezes, need to be let out or damage occurs. Well, that’s my theory anyway.

    The other possible reason for the tears, the one I’m trying harder to suppress than the laughter, is that I’m behind on giving “the talk”. And your post eroded what little resolve I had. No, that’s not accurate – it brought fear to my soul. I’m boiling the pot of water now.

  3. brkeyes7 Says:

    Will you please go talk to Gbrown’s boys.

  4. Rick S. Says:

    what makese this story so funny for me is that I know Ian. He is a mini Dug. When you talk to him, you better have your facts straight and supporting material to reference your points.

  5. Bob Says:

    seriously, whats wrong with 4 hours?

  6. sleepy Says:

    Can I pay you a consultants fee to come to my house and present this message to my children in 7 years?

  7. bikemike Says:

    fortunately my step-son(6th grade) got the talk from his dad last year. he still gets all worked up when i see Jessica Alba on tv and i say hubba hubba. whatever.

    i’m still trying to get him on the deodorant program.

    how did/does your wife explain viagra to your daughter.
    oh, she hasn’t yet? well, i think she should.

  8. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    The ol’ string and straw analogy, eh? That is both vivid and frightening!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  9. Mocougfan Says:

    Vintage dug here. I’m dying.

  10. Adventure Nell Says:

    Best post I have read in ages. I haven’t laughed this hard in a loonnngg time.

    Thanks for making my happy monday even happier 🙂

    PS glad it wasn’t about farts 😉

  11. steveA Says:

    LUV IT!! I have all girls and my wife still made me a part of the talk. Thank goodness I weaseled out of several of those.

  12. Tp Says:

    Is it a coincidence that you had this talk with your son at a place called the Purple Turtle?

  13. tonks Says:

    Laughing!!! Thanks for my daily Dug fix. Go Kim!!

  14. Bill F. Says:

    Dug, you know I have an aversion to commenting but this post was just too funny to stay silent. Amazingly funny!

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Man, this is piss my pants funny. Of course, you realize the rest of his life he will have this memory burned into his skull of the pencil/string analogy. He won’t be able to hold a pencil and not think of it – scarred for life! HaHa

    MTB W

  16. Kyra Says:

    I am still wrestling with the deodorant part. Don’t use, “Can’t you smell yourself?”, because the answer is always, “No, why?”. As far as the birds and bees, I caught my son trying to look up “pron” (in his own words) online. He said, “I just can’t help it, I like girls!”. I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.

  17. forgingahead Says:

    I made the mistake of reading this at work and now I’m trying NOT to laugh out loud and failing miserably.

    You are the best dad. Ever.

  18. bikemike Says:

    i volunteered to explain to the boy about viagra last night. he left the dinner table (yep, tried it at dinner) and he stuck his fingers in his ears, yelling, la la la la…i can’t hear you…running to his room. dinner and floor show, classic. thank you.

  19. Brandon S. Says:

    I can’t wait to hear what you will use to explain the following if asked.

  20. That was so cool to hear that story at the fatty weekend…. so funny and made me sooooo glad I havent spawned yet!

  21. Eber Says:

    ohhh…this is where the term Pencil Dick comes from.

  22. BotchedExperiment Says:

    And a new term of endearment: string dick.

  23. ricky Says:

    i haven’t stopped laughing since you shared this story at fall moab. your post just started the cycle over again. please stop by my house after you make your presentation at sleepy’s. wait, stone will be 17 by then. better wait three more years. inspired by gbrown…

  24. g Says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in front of the computer.

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