i am a zombie

December 3, 2008

Remember Dawn of the Dead? And I don’t mean the ’04, 28 Days Later copy, I mean the George Romero version, the 1978 “original.” (I say “original” with quotes because really, the 1978 Dawn of the Dead was just a remake of 1968’s Night of the Living Dead. You with me?)


In Dawn of the Dead, Roger gets bitten by a zombie, which means he’s definitely going to turn into a zombie within a day or two. But he doesn’t die right away, which means he KNOWS he’s dying and is going to turn into a zombie. Very poignant. Here’s what he says:

“Don’t do it [shoot me in the head] until you are sure I AM coming back! I’m gonna try . . . not to . . . I’m gonna try . . . not to . . . come back. I’m gonna try . . . not to . . .”

And, of course, a few seconds later he dies, and a few minutes after that, he sits straight up and snarls like a zombie, and Peter shoots him dead. Sorry if I just spoiled a key plot point of a 1978 movie for you.

Well, every night is like that for me. Lemme esplain.

Apparently I snore. I’ve thought about killing myself because of this (not really, and apologies to all of you who think making a joke about killing myself is in bad taste). My suicide note would say, simply and only, “Apparently, I snore.”

Why is snoring so bad? Because there’s nothing I can do about it. I simply snore. Which sucks for me, but REALLY sucks for Kim.

Well, actually, maybe there are a couple things I can do about it.

I snore generally when any of the following 4 things happen:

1. I weigh more than 185 lbs. My weight usually fluctuates between 180 lbs and 190 lbs. When I’m super fit and fast on the bike, I weigh about 180. When I’m a fat cow and have done several lines of Oreos, and haven’t, um, pooh’d for several days (yes, yes, I know, that’s a different topic for a different post), then I weigh about 190. But when I weigh 184, I generally don’t snore. When I weigh about 186, I DO snore. It’s like gravity, it just IS.

2. I sleep on my back. You would think this would be easy to solve, right? Just sleep on your side? But a shoulder injury keeps me from comfortably sleeping for more than a few hours in a row on my side, so I always end up on my back. Also, I really LIKE sleeping on my back. I’ve read that the best solution to sleeping on one’s back is to wear a t-shirt with a tennis ball sewn into a little compartment in the lower back of the shirt. But I don’t like the sound of that.

3. I’m camping. I dunno, something about the open night air, dust, whatever. I apologize in advance (and in retrospect).

4. I get up in the middle of the night and gnosh. Well, actually, when I gnosh AND drink a glass of milk (or a bowl of cereal, which inherently includes milk). The milk somehow coats the back of my throat, making me all phlegmy, and causes me to snore like a drowning cow.

Do you see the Dawn of the Dead connection? Every night I go to bed with the intention of NOT snoring. Every night I intend NOT to get up and eat cereal and drink milk, to NOT weigh 186 lbs, to NOT sleep on my back. Although, sometimes I DO intend to camp. Whatever.

But almost every night, yup, I snore. And so every night, Kim has to shoot me in the forehead to put me out of her misery.

So I guess it’s kind of like Groundhog Day too.


31 Responses to “i am a zombie”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    I don’t snore much, but I hardly ever sleep though the night anymore. Is this a 40s thing? Annoying and defiantly zombie-like. My friend and his wife got so bad they did the Ambien thing – he said it works, but gives him freaky dreams. And with recent Fall Moab reports of indiscriminately amorous side-effects, I’m not sure Ambien is for me.

    I saw some mouthguard-like device advertised to stop snoring – maybe try that.

    Or substitute lemon juice for milk on your cereal to address the phlegm issue.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    boy, you better put some water on that cereal and eat it.

  3. dug Says:

    um, kris, and anon, water? or lemon juice? i mean no offense when i say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  4. Rick S. Says:

    maybe its the twizzlers?

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    Desperate times call for desperate measures. OK, maybe death is preferable to lemon juice for you. Orange juice then.

    Is cereal and milk the only tonic that will console you? How about a turkey skin sandwich – it’s loaded with tryptophan.

  6. VH1 Says:

    This is a win/win. No more snoring AND Kim gets to roleplay with a fighter pilot!

  7. bikemike Says:

    sorry anon. was me (strange computer)
    water on the cereal is greg’s dad in the movie Friday, when they ran out of milk greg wanted to just throw out the cereal, hence the water.

    don’t nobody go into that bathroom for 35-45 minutes.

  8. BotchedExperiment Says:

    1) Liposuction.

    2) Methamphetamine.

    3) Ambien.

    4) Ear Plugs (for everyone else).

  9. VA Biker Says:

    You no longer have tiny kids you need to monitor through the night, right? So I’d start with Botched Experiment’s item no. 4) Ear Plugs (for everyone else).

    Great tool, ensuring everyone can sleep, but esp. important for your wife. You can be the one who wakes up for the phone, kid’s yelling, smoke alarm, etc.

    The hardest part of getting used them while trying to fall asleep is your own body noises (breathing, heartbeat, rustling of hair between the scalp and pillow, anything) that are magnified by the use of ear plugs.

    Might be worth a shot.

  10. bikemike Says:

    ear plugs are great until they get stuck in your ears and you have to have someone else pull them out with tweezers.
    i’ve got the t-shirt for that one.

  11. BotchedExperiment Says:

    Va Biker, you and your body noises have deep-seated issues.

    Bikemike, when you’re putting the earplugs in and they touch bone, you’ve put them in too far.

  12. Tp Says:

    Funny, Jill and I are going through the same thing right now. She’s pregnant so she snores. I guess it’s a weight thing because she doesn’t snore otherwise. I’ve got a cold and I’m stuffed up and can’t breath. I have ear plugs sitting on my night stand just in case I don’t fall asleep before she does. ZZZZZZZ!

  13. KanyonKris Says:

    bikemike – I always wondered why they sold earplugs with leashes. Now I know.

  14. steve Says:

    The earplugs might work depending on how loud the snoring is. My wife uses them and still has to shoot me in the forehead if she doesn’t get to sleep first. And if I get to bed late, am overweight or sick I often have to go sleep on the couch to avoid both barrels. Unfortunately I haven’t weighed less than 200 in many moons. Add either of the other two and I get a lot of couch time. I recommend GOOD earplugs, with leashes, if she trys jamming them in YOUR ears.

  15. Karen Says:

    My parents have a spare room. It is called the “Snoot-atorium” whoever snores (snoots is the name my son gave it when he was little) the loudest and wakes the other, is subject to being banished to the snoot-atorium for the night. They’ve been together 50 years, so who am I to argue?

  16. Miles Archer Says:

    Ever snore so loud you woke yourself up?

  17. Gary Says:

    There was a story on the news recently about the number of couples that are sleeping seperately. Snoring and difference in temperature were the two biggest deciders. New home builders also reported that adjoining master suites are one of the hottest requests in new homes right now.

    My snoring line of demarcation is 190 pounds. When I creep up into the high 180’s, my wife starts to hide the cookies and ask me if I’m getting enough fiber.

  18. mark Says:

    Dug, I have all sorts of experience with this matter, including going so far as spending the night at the hospital sleep research center with wires and probes and all sorts of other things attached and cameras watching me. But it was a dark, dismal time of my life that I’d prefer not to dredge up. If you get desperate, you know where to find me.

  19. Bob Says:

    The key is isolation. Separate rooms, separate tent, etc. Then you can fatten up, eat your cereal with milk, and sleep soundly.

  20. KanyonKris Says:

    I think Bob’s onto something.

    Psst, Kim: Give Dug a hyperbaric chamber for Christmas. He’ll appreciate your support of his cycling habit and you won’t have to admit the true purpose: snoring containment.

  21. KanyonKris Says:

    Make that hypOberic chamber. But hyperbaric works for me – I need other slow riders.

  22. Anthony Says:

    Hey Dug,

    I have total sympathy for you. I went through this with my wife, and believe me it put some strain on our relationship.

    With me it was obviously a weight thing. Once I lost enough weight I stopped snoring, even when I was dead drunk the night before.

    Thankfully my weight is down now, and I have more incentive to keep it off.

    Good luck.


  23. steveA Says:

    It actually is Hyperbaric for improved O2 and performance. But it would definitely cover any snoring sound.

  24. KanyonKris Says:

    steveA – I’m pretty sure it’s hypoberic for cyclists. The reduced oxygen of a hypoberic chamber (simulating high altitude) prompts the body to make more red blood cells (increasing hematocrit).

    Brad Mullen did some simulated high altitude training this year.

  25. steveA Says:

    KK – I stand corrected. I wasn’t thinking along those lines, just the increased O2 of the moment. Thank you.
    Dug, your blog is so educational AND fun!!

  26. anon Says:

    Didn’t say say earlier that Kim gets “friendly” when she can’t sleep? Uh, I don’t see the problem here…

  27. Geoff Says:

    The original Dawn of the Dead is one of the greatest films of all time. No joke. And the scene you referenced is amazing.

    My other two favorite DOTD moments — that one scene when the Hari Krishna zombie follows the girl back into the storage room…I still get chills when I think about it.

    And the Blood Pressure Machine scene (anyone who has seen this movie knows what I’m talking about) — seeing that for the first time is worth a trip to Europe.

    I have nothing to say about snoring.

  28. dug Says:

    steve, yes, thank you, we try to follow horace’s admonition to make this blog dulce et utile.

    geoff. THANK GOD YOU STOPPED BY! seriously. i reference like 4 classic zombie movies, and build an elaborate metaphor around the classic scene with the “I’ll try not to . . .” and NOBODY says a word. all i get is snoring advice. please come back often.

    and yes, the blood pressure machine, with the little alarm going off. i think that’s when my brother steve got up and left.

  29. KanyonKris Says:

    Hey, you can’t put us commenters in a box! What are you, some spider spinning these blog post webs to ensnare us? We are not sheep! But wait, you’re the shepherd so, gosh, I guess we are sheep.

    steveA – I was confident I had it right, but your comment prompted me to check it out. You are right that some athletes use a hyperbaric chamber to load up on oxygen just before the event. It was fun to do a little reading on it.

  30. steveA Says:

    The blood pressure machine is exactly when I left. That was my cut off point for blood and gore. I don’t have the stomach for that like Dug.

  31. I tried the lot – managed to stop smoking eventually which I’m told helped my snoring a bit but still didn’t fix it completely. Its always worse when I am ill but thats something I can live with. Hot chilli soup with garlic in helps clear my sinuses out on the occaision that I do need them. Other than that http://www.embarrassing-conditions.com/how-to-stop-snoring/ has got some interesting takes on stopping or certainly reducing the pressure on a partner through sleep deprivation.
    The milk that you mention would probably have the same effect as snot so it makes sense that it antagonises it. I also used to get the same as you when I was camping but I think that will probably pass now with the exercises.

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