aghast and agog and stuff

December 10, 2008

I am a bit of a James Bond-o-phile. I mean, I really really like him.

Well, more specifically, I like James Bond movies. Cuz while I really like James Bond, I’m no stalker. I swear. Unless seeing all James Bond movies counts as stalking. Which it doesn’t. I’m a fan, not a psycho.

Anyway. I’m one of those old school James Bond guys who thinks that the NEW James Bond is the best of the bunch. But before we get carried away ranking or anything (forget that, here’s how they stack up: 1. Casino Royale, 2. From Russia With Love, 3. Goldfinger, 4. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5. Goldeneye, there, I said it) let me say, ALL James Bond is GOOD James Bond.

Except Moonraker, which sucked ass so hard I can’t watch it even when it comes on late night TV and I have nothing to do since Kim is out of town or something. Just unwatchable.

Okay, I guess there are exceptions, but lets stay positive here.

I had a surreal James Bond moment the other day, when a fairly youthful co-worker and I were talking movies. He liked Casino Royale (which is good, because otherwise I would have taken him into the lunch room and simply opened the fridge and left him there), and he thought Pierce Brosnan was a great James Bond. Which is a perfectly valid opinion, totally defensible (if inaccurate) if you are comparing Pierce Brosnan to, say, ALL other James Bonds.

I mean, I disagree, I don’t think Pierce Brosnan is the best James Bond, he only ranks 3rd on the list, but it’s okay for reasonable people to disagree about which James Bond is best. But of course, MY comparison/ranking is valid because I happen to know of the existence of James Bond BEFORE Pierce Brosnan.

Do you see what’s happening here? This is where the Friday the 13th music plays. You know, ch ch ch, sh sh sh, ha ha ha. Because, when I said “you like Pierce Brosnan more than Sean Connery? Really?” expecting him to say “oh yeah, Brosnan is great, plus Sean Connery did that cheesy “Never Say Never Again” movie.” Instead, and I am NOT making this up, he blithely said “Sean Connery played James Bond?”

Wait, I need to go put my OWN head in the fridge.

No, seriously, he said that. And I don’t mean he said that and followed it up with something witty, like “You mean he played James Bond’s Dad, right, like he played Indiana Jones’ dad?” cuz that would have been funny, but only if he was totally joking. Ha ha. Nervous laughter. Like that.

He didn’t say that though, because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even KNOW that Sean Connery played Indiana Jones’ dad. He thinks Indiana Jones has ALWAYS cavorted with aliens.

So, all he DID say was “Sean Connery played James Bond?”

Ack.

What am I supposed to do with that? I mean, I know Chuck Norris would just roundhouse kick him into next week, but what am I supposed to do with that? I can’t just let it go, can I?

I’m pretty sure I went catatonic on him, just blinking and staring until he wandered off looking for a first aid kit.

I am sad. I think I’ll just go listen to Depeche Mode for a while. There are flies on the windscreen.

36 Responses to “aghast and agog and stuff”

  1. steve Says:

    Sean Connery IS James Bond, the rest are all frauds and shells. I do think you need to TRY the roundhouse kick on him anyway.

  2. steve Says:

    Sean Connery IS James Bond. The others are mere frauds and shells compared to James Bond. I liked him before I met him. You need to try the roundhouse kick on the kid before he says anything else stupid.

  3. steve Says:

    Sorry about the double post. I didn’t think it posted the first try. I’m going home now.

  4. steve Says:

    who keeps posting!! Wait, that’s me! Shut up already.

  5. Eber Says:

    so I am pretty sure I have seen all or parts of thr 22 or so Bond movies at some point in my life. without a doubt Casino Royale is at the top (no real close 2nd). I have to say Daniel Craig is the new number 1 Bond. Granted The Wife says I have a man crush on him…which may or may not be true. ANYHOO…I really think only two Bonds can be considered legit (Craig and Connery). Moore and Lazenby were decent. Brosnan and Dalton were abysmal.

  6. dug Says:

    eber, we agree i think except the crazy eyed talk about abysmality. dalton was good, not great, certainly not sucky. brosnan was very good, you are simply misguided on that.

    and i have a man crush on craig, no question. so did the bleeding eyed villain in casino royale: “you’ve taken very good care of your body.”

    steve, i can see now that when people meant to drop ME on my head, they dropped you instead. whoops.

  7. Kathleen Says:

    Oh poor Dug – that really sucks. You must feel ancient. Oh wait, that probably does help. How about if I just say that Sean Connery rocks – no one delivers the key line the way he does. Love the Scottish burr he’s got going.

  8. Robin Says:

    It’s really not fair to penalize Timothy Dalton with such a low rating. He had the misfortune of being Bond at a moment in history when guns were not PC and Bond couldn’t be seen sleeping around because all the afterschool specials said you’d die of HIV if you did. You can barely call him Bond at all. (But still very hot in a lizardy kind of way.)

  9. Eber Says:

    okay, so maybe I was a bit rash on Brosnan. he wasn’t half as bad as the movies he was in. die another day…really?

    jinx and the villain chick made it marginally bearable.

  10. dug Says:

    robin, i didn’t rate dalton low. i quite like him and his moody ways. it was eber who dumped on him.

    speaking of eber, die another day was not a shining moment in the bond oeuvre, but i never said it was. i loved GOLDENEYE, remember?

  11. brkeyes7 Says:

    Moonraker is my fave of the bunch. What’s wrong with you?

  12. KanyonKris Says:

    I think Brad’s just pushing buttons. Right, Brad? Please say yes.

    I like Brosnan for one reason: he was the most debonair Bond. And I think that works for a spy. But on the downside Brosnan didn’t seem very dangerous, which you kinda need – if he’s got a license to kill, you need to believe he can take anyone in a fight.

    My favorite side character is the obnoxious Texan tourist with the cigar. The definition of comic relief. Was he in just one film or more? I remember he was in the movie where Bond jumps the exotic sports car over the river, with a twist. Good times.

  13. dug Says:

    brad, did you take ambien and stay awake again?

  14. VH1 Says:

    Chuck Norris played James Bond? I thought he just sold gym equipment with Christie Brinkley.

  15. mark Says:

    I liked Casino Royale. A lot. Quantum of Solace was also good, but I must say that the witty bond who would play cards with the villain, each sitting across the table from the other knowing perfectly well who they were and their intentions had a lot more intrigue than the “kill everyone in sight” approach taken in the latest installment. That being said, I’d go see it again tomorrow night.

  16. Joel Says:

    Dug, did you catch the James Bond sketch on Saturady Night Live a few weeks ago with Tim McGraw playing a country boy at the poker table with Bond, the Villain, and a certain Bond woman whose name would not make this family friendly?

  17. Jeff Says:

    The correct response when someone says “Sean Connery played James Bond?” is:

    “Yes, and Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings.”

  18. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    I agree that Craig and Connery are the best.

    Brosnan was enjoyable and was a better Roger Moore than Roger Moore.

    Dalton was good but, as Robin said, was the victim of an era.

    Jeff, anyone who doesn’t know Connery played Bond probably won’t know Wings either. The corrected correct response should be:

    “Yes, and Paul McCartney was in a couple of bands before his solo career.”

  19. bikemike Says:

    ooohhhh, i can’t wait until clive owen becomes james bond. he’ll be the best, i just know it. (just kidding, daniel craig IS bond) check out clive in the BMW commercials, especially the madonna one and the james brown one.

    there are no words for roger moore, none. something about his hair.

  20. dug Says:

    bikemike, i couldn’t agree more, clive owen would be awesome. children of men? are you kidding me? how did that movie not WIN the oscar, much less not get even nominated? plus you’ve got shoot em up and sin city. he’s diverse.

    but i also agree, daniel craig hit it out of the park. i don’t want him going anywhere for a while. and when that while is up, it could be too late for clive owen.

  21. Jeff Says:

    Burke,
    You are quite right. I guess that would have only been appropriate 30 years ago…

    How about “Yes, and Will Smith was a rapper.”

  22. Rob Says:

    You mean Remington Steele played James Bond?

  23. Eric Says:

    Wasn’t Casino Royale where Bond lost a ton of money at the table to that evil guy. Then he had to beg his boss for more money because he was sure he’d win it next time. I’m still scarred by that scene. Is he a spy or an accountant.

  24. Eber Says:

    oh no…not the clive owen ooze again.

  25. Eber Says:

    of all the scenes in Casino Royale…I would think begging for more money is not the one to leave us scarred.

    read: seatless chair.

  26. dug Says:

    plus he responded to the accountant like a spy–he cocked his gun and headed out prepared to gun down bleeding eye guy in the lobby, until felix stopped him and offered him more money to keep playing. totally spy-worthy.

    eber, yeah, the chair is a hard scene to forget. but again, let’s not forget the manliness. i would have caved with the first tap.

  27. bikemike Says:

    enough, already, let’s focus here people. are we forgetting vesper lynd . . . shower scene . . . bodacious party dress? yeah, that vesper lynd. o.k., proceed.

  28. steve Says:

    I still think the best response is the round kick to the head.

  29. jruss Says:

    Who is Dolly Parton?

  30. steve Says:

    KK-I too loved the texan!! I don’t think he showed up later. I liked the CIA guy who shows in a couple though not being the movie guru dug is I don’t know which ones.

  31. BotchedExperiment Says:

    I submit that “Quantum of Solace” is not a Bond film.

    No “Q”
    No gadgets
    No villains with physical deformities or modifications and no pets (no cats, no sharks, no nothin’)
    No killer hats or shoes or poison
    No rough sex
    No chick-villian

    And of course, you know that Connery wasn’t even the first Bond, right?

  32. dug Says:

    botched, what, you think you’re dealing with pre-school children here? apart from someone above already mentioning lazenby, seriously. are you bringing a knife to a gun fight?

    i’ve heard the same argument about quantum of solace. to which i say, whatever. i’ve had enough of that stuff. and if this new bond suffers from too much jason bourne, well, i say, that’s a good problem to have.

  33. jruss Says:

    The subject is “Famous Titles”, Mister Connery.

  34. bikemike Says:

    going out on a limb here, but, what if bourne and bond crossed paths with one another? not as adversaries, but, going after the same guy/girl.
    just a thought, run it by the powers that be and get back to my people.

  35. dug Says:

    bikemike, now you’re talking alien vs predator. i just don’t see it.

  36. bikemike Says:

    yep, figured that limb would break, nevermind.
    i tried with the A. vs. P. thing and it just didn’t work. now, danny glover vs. predator, was at least entertaining. the predator was just too smart for the alien.
    so, going down that road, who would be badder, mr. bond or mr. bourne? i’m going with bourne, not that i like him more, just think he’s mentally tougher.


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