sweet mother, not the hat!

January 1, 2009

Hi All, I’m back from Mexico, and I’m pleased to report that me and all members of my familia still have cabezas attached to bodies. Whew.

I’ll tell you about building houses later. But first I must mention something that happened in Mexico far worse than being abducted or having ones head cut off and rolled into a school yard. (Is that too harsh a joke? I feel like I’m walking a fine line here.)

The organizer of Families Helping Families, let’s call him Ralph, also organized a “Fiesta” for all the families who were in Mexico, you know, helping families. And no Mexican Fiesta feels truly Mexican without a a drug killing.

No, ha ha ha. That’s a joke. Seriously. Just a joke.

No, of course, to be a true Mexican Fiesta, you need a Pinata. Preferably one bought at a local store, stuffed with really gross Mexican candy and peanuts. (Peanuts? Can you imagine? What if you gave away peanuts at Halloween? What if you B’ood your neighbors with a bag of peanuts? They’d egg  your house.)

Here’s Ralph setting up Holden to go first on the Pinata. Notice Holden’s head gear:


Yup, that’s my Leadville beanie. My SECOND FAVORITE beanie. Which is fine, cuz Holden is my youngest son, and when the green North Face beanie appeared a month ago and edged out the Leadville beanie for the top spot, he started wearing it regularly. All good.

And here’s Maddy, who went next:


Now, that’s all good too. Maddy is my blood, my kin, my daughter, no worries.

I don’t have a picture of what happened next, because I was too busy FREAKING OUT!

Ralph started having ALL the kids wear my beanie to cover their eyes. ALL OF THEM. KIDS OFF THE STREET!

Imagine if your mom started letting the neighborhood kids wear your favorite boxers. Without washing them between kids, just letting them pass them around. IMAGINE THAT!

If I had a clip from Dark Side of the Moon, The Great Gig In the Sky, where that woman wails for 5 minutes (which I love by the way), the noise I was making in my head sounded a lot like that. I would play it for you, but I don’t want to freak you out.

The beanie is now in the Red Tent. I can’t remember, the book came out like ten years ago. How long does it have to stay in there?


14 Responses to “sweet mother, not the hat!”

  1. steveA Says:

    You know, Lice is attracted to cleanliness, so I have been told by numerous school nurses and doctors, so if the kids were kinda dirty I’m sure the beanie can come out of the red tent within the next 12 months. Other head conditions I’m not so sure about. Glad you’re back in one piece with all the fam. I hope to perform the same trick tomorrow from not so dangerous MO.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    Welcome back, gringo.

    dug, you’re just a quirk or two away from full on dementia. (Love that line)

    Fumigate the beenie with some Black Flag. Any bugs die, dug at ease.

    If that’s not enough to sooth your germophobia, take the beenie to a professional (not sure if a pest control expert of psychiatrist would be best).

    You know, I just happen to have a Leadville beenie. I picked it up at a bike swap. I’ve never worn it. And since I’m a nice guy and not a germophobe, how about I swap you beenies.

  3. dug Says:

    kk, you’re really freaking me out here with your talk of picking up beanies at bike swaps. two problems.

    first, you haven’t ridden leadville. so don’t wear the beanie.

    second, A BIKE SWAP?! why don’t you just put your head in an outhouse toilet and give yourself a swirly?

  4. KanyonKris Says:

    Rebuttal to first: I can wear a Leadville beenie if I want too. You’re not the boss of me! And I’ll compliment it with a yellow jersey and some of those gold track shoes Michael Johnson wears (wore?) and a Superbowl ring and a Hell’s Angles jacket and, and, uh, OK, I don’t know any famous pants.

    Rebutal to second: The beenie is new and still in the plastic bag. I don’t wear it, just picked it up because it was cheap and thought I might wear it sometime (like if I ever do Leadville, or I’m cold and didn’t have any other head covering).

    Wait, stop, I can’t continue this charade. I don’t have a Leadville beenie. This was what I was going to do: take your beenie and go to my car and spray Febreeze on it and put it in a plastic bag then give it back to you. You’d think the beenie was new/clean and be happy.

    You may question my ends-justify-the-means motive, but in the words of Marie Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond): “You know how I do things out of love?” Just trying to give you some peace of mind, amigo.

  5. Bebe Says:

    Dug–just take a deep breath… These days there are really great treatments for lice. And the smell of greasy hair??? Fabreeze… Really, you can chill–Kim can help you deal with this…

  6. Welcome back and happy new year! I missed your ramblings for sure (uh sorry, I mean your insightful witty scribblings) but I don’t have a witty retort for this one. Except maybe, seriously? Hope it all works out for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. bikemike Says:

    when i die and my ashes are spread out on the top of Mt. Mitchell, i want Great Gig In The Sky played.

    burn the beanie, man, you might have mexican jumping beans or spanish fly in it or something.

  8. hoyacougar Says:

    couldn’t you just find some waif on the street in need of a style infusion and given the hat to him?

    i know i’m a bit biased here, but to me, anything that goes in the red tent, stays in the red tent!

  9. Erinb Says:

    Whatever happened to a good old fashioned washing machine? Can’t these leadville beanies be washed on hot and and then dried on high? I’m pretty sure that would kill all unwanted nastiness.

  10. Eber Says:

    pardon my literary naivete on the Red Tent details, but are you saying your beenie is now menstruating or giving birth…in a tent? albeit with mutual support and encouragement from mother, sister and aunt beenies?

    that’s strange.

    anyhoo, maybe one of the kids that loused your beenie will live in the nice house you built for them.

    i love that you have gone all Ty Pennington on us. i will watch for your beenie line in Sears.

  11. dug Says:

    eber, funny story. i was sitting in a folding chair, pre-pinata moment, when one of the organizers came over, introduced himself to me, and then said “are you sure you’re not ty pennington?”

    i stared blankly, and then the pinata debacle started and distracted us.

    later i remembered his remark, and asked my family who the hell this ty pennington was. when they told me he was the guy from extreme home makeover, i was crushed. i thought he was telling me i looked like a pro football player or something.

  12. g Says:

    Most parasites cannot live away from a host for more than a few days.
    Give it a week for good measure, then wear that beanie with confidence.
    The li’l critters will have moved to better feeding grounds by then.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    Interesting how this post is the first one after “I may or may not be crazy.” I’m not judging you, Dug, but it’s possible you need more help than these armchair psychiatrists can give. One question: have you actually erected a red tent on your property? Just askin’ ๐Ÿ™‚


  14. Kt Says:


    I’m so with you on your reaction. Except instead of Great Gig in the Sky, it’d be the screaming from the very beginning of the album, on repeat– just those three despairing wails, over and over and over.

    You are not crazy. More than usual, I mean!

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