i am not alone

January 7, 2009

K, you know how my bathroom at work is like a third world experience, right?

The funny thing is, when I talk to co-workers about the conditions here, they all nod and agree with me, kind of in the same way that everybody talks about how bad drivers are, but nobody ever says “Hey! I’M a sucky driver, stop making fun of me!” But rather everybody thinks everybody sucks except for present company.

Well, the other day, as I was leaving said work bathroom, a co-worker stopped me and said “let me show you something in the toilet.”

Of course, I threw a $5 bill on the ground to distract him and ran away.

But that’s not what he meant. He came and got me, and said, “no, seriously, come and see this.”

I’m a little ashamed to admit I followed him into the bathroom, and, ahem, into the big bathroom stall. I stood well back.

He went to the toilet and took the cover off the tank. “Check it out” he said. “Look what I did.”

I know what you’re thinking, and no, he didn’t leave a “gift” or a “package” in the toilet tank as a joke, like that guy who lived on my dorm floor in college did.

No, he did something more like what you would expect from a freedom fighter, a resistance member, a Patriot. Check it out:

toilet restrictor

Ignore, if you can, the color and rust and corrosion, and focus a little.

See that open-topped plastic tube that surrounds the green flush valve? Well, that plastic tube thing is a sneaky way for management to reduce the power and volume of a toilet flush. See, when you install one of those, only the water IN the plastic thing is used in a flush, instead of all the water in a tank. This is like the 6 liter flush law of 1991, on steroids. The bastards.

But my compatriot had taken a sharp object (I didn’t ask too many questions, in case he or I was captured and questioned) and cut the side out of the restrictor tube, allowing ALL of the water in the tank to add power to the flush.

That’s right. We’re like the Monkey Wrench Gang. Well, he is. I just whine and take pictures. Like that journalist played by Martin Sheen that followed Ghandi around. That’s me.

Maybe someday we’ll sneak in at night and install one of those power assist toilets. “We will oovveerrccoommee!”


12 Responses to “i am not alone”

  1. Jeff Says:

    Wow, the last time someone invited me to check out a toilet it looked like someone lost their arm in the bowl. (It was billed as “world’s biggest turd” – this was in college.)
    I’m glad to see that you have people working to liberate you from your restroom oppression.

  2. bikemike Says:

    vive la revolutione

  3. Rick S. Says:

    pretty soon word will get out and you’ll have people showing up from all the surrounding bldgs just to come use the toilet at YOUR work.

  4. chtrich Says:

    Fight the power!

  5. mark Says:

    And I thought the paper towel dispenser at my office was bad. How on earth could that thing ever take care of a transaction of any size if there were only two cups of water flushing it down?

    Remember the toilets at the MTC? Now those had some flushing power. I think they could suck down a human head. And probably have.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    I had not heard of this nefarious device. So some brainiac thinks it’s possible to effectively flush a toilet with what looks like the amount of water in a 2 liter soda bottle? It might work if we were all pygmy size and ate like famine victims. This is the land of the free and the home of the all-you-can-eat buffet.

    I applaud your compatriot for striking a blow against toilet oppression.

    Plus, those water savers may work for “liquid only”, but anything else is surely going to need more than one flush, and that will probably end up using more water overall.

    Good job, Deep Throat, for putting yourself at risk to break this important news to the world.

  7. Eric Says:

    Good thing you two are co-workers. Can you imagine his frustration if there was no one around capable of appreciating his effort. You should bring him a picture or brochure of your Magic Toilet.

  8. Sounds to me like you work with “The Toilet MacGyver”. I envy you. I remember the toilets at the MTC also. I think they were specially designed to handle the effects of the MTC food.


  9. hoyacougar Says:

    so larry craig is now masquerading as ‘Toilet Macgyver’? when he saw you were only impressed with his ‘handywork’ did he run off to find someone else to show?

  10. forgingahead Says:

    I so love you called him a freedom fighter…this just made me giggle. You guys are building the resistance!

  11. steveA Says:

    Now you guys need to go to the surrounding villages, er, buildings and liberate them too!! I happened to be visiting a former neighbor in Missouri over New Years and he said the same thing only less excited and more “can you believe this” His tank had a tray at the top that would fill with water, then dump that water into the tank to flush. Same idea as the restrictor tube in Dug’s bathroom. He hadn’t seen it until after the plumber left. I won’t repeat what he said after that.

  12. MOCougFan Says:

    Power to the People!!!!

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