who the hell is THAT?

February 4, 2009

I like Woody Allen movies, despite the fact that, recent trend notwithstanding, they tend to focus on a short neurotic Jew who is obsessed with love and death. All filmmakers should aspire to his oeuvre. And no, I’m not being sarcastic.

One of my favorite Woody Allen movies (which happens to be about a short neurotic Jew who is obsessed with love and death), is Antz.

Anyway, there’s an awesome scene in Antz where Z (Woody Allen) is about to get stepped on by a HUGE tennis shoe that has a HUGE penny stuck in some gum on the bottom of the shoe.

As an enormous Abraham Lincoln fills the sky and grows bigger and bigger, Z says “Who the Hell is THAT?”

Well, using the facilities here at work this morning, I couldn’t help but notice all the ants milling about the base of the bowl, below the wall mounted bowl, and anywhere else they felt comfortable. I’m not here to talk about WHY there might be ants milling around the toilet in my work bathroom. Seriously. Not this day. But that is a deserving topic.

Anyway, as I contemplated the ants, I suddenly wondered, you know, from THEIR perspective, were they having a “Z” moment? And was I Abraham Lincoln to them?

But, you know, instead of Abraham Lincoln, it’s me. And instead of the base of my shoe, it’s just, you know, the base of ME.

So I guess they’re saying “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

I feel bad for the ants.

15 Responses to “who the hell is THAT?”

  1. Rick S. Says:

    try to “wink” next time to make them feel more at home.

  2. bikemike Says:

    do ants know cuss words?

  3. dug Says:

    bikemike, they do in the movie. which is where i get MY ant knowledge.

  4. bikemike Says:

    yeah, i suppose they do. i got all of my ant-info from Adam and The Ants, you know, Antmusic and such. “Put some wax on the tracks and slide on outta here”.

  5. tohellandback1st Says:

    are you sure they weren’t saying, ‘where the hell is the ass?’

  6. dug Says:

    okay, enough with the “no-ass” thing. i’m going to have to show you.

    you’re going to regret this.

  7. tohellandback1st Says:

    okay. okay. that was the last unsolicited ass comment. i’ll get a panel of my peers together for the unveiling… can we get Tyler’s next to it for comparison?

  8. dug Says:

    yup, i’ll arrange it. consider it my gift to you. not to my readers (hi mom!) in general, but to you.

  9. KanyonKris Says:

    You should be gratified in the knowledge that no matter the size of your manhood, from the ants perspective you’re huge. (It was my turn to make the typical guy comment.)

    How are ants not keeling over from fear all the time? I mean we look enormous and monstrously huge to the them. When they see our shadow come over them how do they remain clam. Are they simply oblivious? How would we cope if creatures the size of mountains were roaming around all the time?

    Good topic, Jack Handy.

  10. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    We need pictures! Of the ants. Not you or any of your appendages. I’m sure the ants were saying something like, “Oh it’s just some hills. Ooh, look, a turtle.” Sorry.

    And, as has been brought up more than once, why oh why are you using the ant-infested toilet at work when you have the Toilet de Magic at home. Is this a timing issue or a frequency issue?

  11. BotchedExperiment Says:

    Burke, when you work the long hours like dug, you’re obligated to use the office facilities.

  12. Bander Says:

    Don’t feel bad for the ants. Their species will outlive ours.

  13. forgingahead Says:

    I often wonder why my cat thinks it’s safe to wind his little body around my legs WHILE I’m walking. The same effect must be in force for the ants.

  14. steveA Says:

    Somebody stop him!! He will do it, then get arrested for showing a non-butt on the internet to minors. I know his kids and my kids occasionally read.
    Dug, to qualify as a butt the thing actually has to curve outward. I think your’s actually dimples in.

  15. tohellandback1st Says:

    SteveA, i think you’re safe. my peers took a vote and think the only person who should get a look has already seen it…

    moms and kids read this? i’m sure they only care about the poop…


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