the internet is weird

February 6, 2009

I just discovered the WordPress Dashboard, which tells me all kinds of cool things about my blog. For example, did you know that I can actually EDIT your comments? I would expect to be able to block you, or delete your wise-ass remarks, but turns out, I can actually make you say what I want! I’m rubbing my hands together. Right now.

But more importantly, I can see what search terms people use to land on my site. I can only assume that the people who search for anything besides “” (wouldn’t you just type that in as a URL instead of searching for it?) are landing here by accident.

So now one of my favorite things to do is to look at the search terms, and then imagine the disappointment of the people searching. True Schadenfruede.

I mean, how totally bummed out is the guy (or girl) searching for “Lesbian Sex” when he lands on my page? And could someone please point out to me WHICH post of mine leads Google to believe that I would be a good match for that search?

Also, Muffin Top is the top search term in the list, with 273 searches. That means at least TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY THREE times someone has typed in “Muffin Top” and found my site. Now, granted, I have a post entitled Keep the Muffin In the Muffin Cup. I use the word “Moobs” in that post. But don’t Google searches have little descriptions or excerpts of the site in question? I’m not comfortable with the idea that the TOP Google search finding my site is “Muffin Top.” I’m decidedly UNCOMFORTABLE with it.

Here’s a good one: “The Ending of King Lear.” Again, I DO have a post (one I like very much) wherein I critique Bill Shakespeare’s lazy ending in his greatest play. But it makes me think–Remember the Demi Moore movie version of “The Scarlet Letter?” Just awful. But MOST awful, the movie ends with Hester and Arthur ESCAPING and going to live with the Indians. What I LOVE about this is the idea that high school students, who will certainly not read the book, are writing papers on The Scarlet Letter in which they describe Hester and Arthur getting away in some kind of car chase. That’s awesome. If I were a teacher and I taught The Scarlet Letter in English class, the only question on the final would be “Describe the Ending of The Scarlet Letter. 1,000 points.”

And coming in the top spot for WTF–“Urinals for Bears.” Seriously. Someone SEARCHED for this. (And found me.) Maybe to answer the question “does a bear shit in the woods.”

Just today, I got someone searching for “Abraham Lincoln”–really, how many Google results pages do you have to go through to get to MY Abraham Lincoln reference. 10? 100? Does ANYBODY look past the first page or two?

Speaking of Abraham Lincoln, by the way, Kim and I just finished listening to Team of Rivals on cd. Since, on my commute (in the Winter, because I ride the moto in Summer), I can listen to two cds a day. It’s AWESOME. Go read or listen to it today. I now have a total man crush on Honest Abe.

And back to “Lesbian Sex.” Would landing on my page be a top 3 buzz kill moment of all time for this Googler? It has to be, right? I imagine the Googler sitting down, all excited, maybe first doing some techy workaround to get past an Internet filter, maybe making sure nobody’s around. They pull up the search page, all a flutter, maybe lighting some candles first.

And they get me. Like a kick to the groin.

I’m happy to be of service.


12 Responses to “the internet is weird”

  1. bikemike Says:

    i’m scared to post now.

  2. Joel Says:

    So now you’ll undoubtedly get more hits from the “Lesbian Sex” searchers…hopefully one will leave a spitefull comment.
    BTW, if I have any spelling mistakes, could you please fix them for me?

  3. steveA Says:

    Damn, I missed the post on Lesbian Sex? What did you file it under? What the crap are people googling Muffin Top for? Wait, I just remembered seeing muffin tops at a coffee shop or something. But people actually google those? This was just belly busting funny. I would pay money to see the face of the person landing on your blog expecting two babes naked and necking, so to speak.

  4. andy Says:

    ummm….steve….check out for the more likely form of muffin tops they were looking for.

    and no. it’s not porn related.

  5. steveA Says:

    andy, thank you for the tip. Sorry about showing off my ignorance on hip new terms. That was a great site. I didn’t know they had a name for that particular catastrophe. Now, the original question still applies, why are people googling Muffin Tops?

    Dug, feel free to edit any and all gramatical errors, spelling mishaps or just plain bad english.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    I can see it now – a happy student turns in a paper on King Lear based on your blog post. The student is happy because you saved him a lot of work and reading cryptic old english. I doubt his Shakespeare-worshiping teacher will be so happy about the paper.

    I almost blew spaghetti out my nose at “urinals for bears”. I should know better than to read your blog while eating (for this and other reasons).

    “And back to lesbian sex.” That’s my favorite line from this post. I intend to use it liberally to change the subject of conversation.

    If you liked this comment, I wrote it. If not, dug wrote it under my name.

    BTW, could you edit my embarrassing, dorky comments? Yes I know there’s a lot of them and that it will take you days. Thanks, pal.

  7. mark Says:

    [this comment intentionally left blank for dug to have his way with me, at least in writing.]

    (see, i’m already helping you write part 2 of this post. bondage.)

  8. Jeff Says:

    Urinals for bears…must be a broadway play or something…it’s driving me nuts, I need to go google it!

    So no one searched for plain old “poop”?

    You probably want to take out one of the Ls in Joel’s “spitefull”.

  9. Rachel Says:

    I can always count on you to make me laugh. Thanks!! I am just starting “team of rivals” Kim told me she really liked it.

  10. JB Says:

    Steve, I had to go look up muffintops myself because I was going to make some comment about a Seinfeld reference. Thanks for keeping me from looking un-educated. Now I can seem all urban when I tell people I ride my bike to keep the muffintops from growing. On second thought, maybe I should just keep quiet.Dug, just edit

  11. Aaron Says:

    Fine, I’ll admit it. I found your blog while searching for “lesbian sex”, and I’ve been hooked ever since (on the blog, not on lesbian sex). Here is your new catchphrase: “Suncrestdug: better than lesbian sex.”

  12. Bandit Says:

    hmmm… so now I know that you read the search terms that are used to find you, maybe I will get creative with google rather than just clicked on my saved bookmark. um.. but maybe not from worked where they may ask why I am searching for lesb*an s*x.

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