a little awkwardness

March 17, 2009

A few years ago, I had some peeing issues. I was neither afraid to pee, nor afraid NOT to pee, but rather, I peed a lot. Well, actually, not a lot, but often. And NOT a lot.

And it hurt a little.

You think I’m sharing too much now? Wait a minute.

After a few weeks of hoping these symptoms would go away, Kim convinced me to go see the doctor. Fine. I went. I’m not afraid of doctors.

Couple of downsides here. First, seeing the doctor for what is probably a prostate issue means a quick prostate exam. Wheee.

And, as if that isn’t enough of a downside, my doctor is a woman. Which generally isn’t a problem, but turned out to be a bit awkward in this case.

I enter the room, I wait the usual amount of time, and in she comes (wait for it). We talk prostate for a few minutes, and then she says “okay, I think you know, I need to see, well, FEEL how your prostate is doing.”

I turn around and lean over the table. And she dons the glove.

The door opens and in comes another woman. “When I do these procedures, I have my assistant come in, to avoid any awkwardness.”

Seriously? THIS is how you avoid awkwardness? By having her OPEN THE DOOR and come in AFTER I’m leaning against the table.

But wait, it hasn’t gotten really awkward yet.

She does the test, mercifully quickly, and immediately discards the glove, as she should. I turn around. She’s still sitting on her little stool, and now I’m standing in front of her, my pants around my ankles, and my shirt hanging JUST low enough to prevent some REAL awkwardness. Her assistant was still standing there.

And she starts to tell me about my prostate. As she tells me that it’s only slightly enlarged, probably a tiny infection, and an anti-biotic will clear it up, she hands me a tissue. Because, you know, my ASS IS STILL COVERED IN LUBRICATION.

And she keeps talking. And I’m standing there holding the tissue, like I’m supposed to clean my ass while she talks to me, with her assistant standing right there.

I clutch the tissue, and simply pull my pants up, probably ruining the rest of my day. But what, I’m going to wipe my ass with the tissue she just handed me, while she sits in her box seat, and her assistant stands there in the bleachers? And if I did, what would I even DO with the tissue?

And now? Now I AM afraid of doctors. I haven’t been back. Probably never will. Next time it’ll be serious, and I’ll die.

I don’t care. Not going back.

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49 Responses to “a little awkwardness”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    I’m still hung-up on the baffling logic that TWO women in the room will make the exam less awkward than just lady doctor alone. Oh, wait, less awkward for HER. Now I see. You, on the other hand, don’t have a non-awkward option.

    You shouldn’t have to say “Could you please leave while I wipe up?” Don’t die, just find another doctor.

    I’m trying really hard to suppress the memory of that “not fresh” feeling after those exams. Thanks for bringing it up.

  2. Rob Says:

    Did you find this doctor in the back of “City Weekly?” I think there are pictures of you on the internets.

  3. chtrich Says:

    AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

  4. MOCougFan Says:

    Moooon River!!! You usin the whole fist there Doc?

    Seriously Dug, you crack me up. I do appreciate my 3-5 minutes of daily humor. I owe you a diet coke at RAWROD.

  5. MOCougFan Says:

    Forgot to add that I am now 39. Don’t know when I’m supposed to start getting those exams. My wife things now. I tell her frequently I will die first. I still have nightmares about the “turn your head and cough” exams as a youth.

    • dug Says:

      mo, the thing is, the exam part was the least awkward part of this whole episode. if that’s possible.

      i mean, how can you take something that’s already unbelievably awkward, and ratchet up the awkwardness factor by like 10? how?

      well, she found a way.

  6. MOCougFan Says:

    Sucks Dug.

    One of my M Comps broke a leg right before he came on the mission. He was taken to the hospital. The nurse said she had to shave his leg “all the way up”. The nurse was his long time girlfreinds mother. He politely asked to be knocked out immediately. She giggle. Awkward.

    Feel for you brother.

  7. mark Says:

    Only ever been through that exam once. For the pre-mish physical (like I was going to have issues at 19). Lady doctor. Since it was the first time for me, she said “it’s not that bad–it just feels like you’re pooping backwards. Except my finger’s not as big as your poop.”

    In hindsight, I’m curious as to how she knew what it felt like.

  8. rachel Says:

    Try being pregnant. Actually, try just being a woman, pregnant or not.

  9. Jeff Says:

    Rachel has a point.

    In a doctor’s office, there’s no room for shame.

  10. Bebe Says:

    Thanks Rachel! I’m sitting here reading this thinking, sorry Dug–but try getting a pap test! Although, to be fair, your doctor did seem a little insensitive.

  11. dug Says:

    rachel, jeff, bebe, um, whatever.

    i’m not saying pap smears are joyous. i’m not saying your womanly exam is like going to disneyland. and i’m not even trying to say prostate exams are by themselves hilarious. this isn’t an “oh, hey, i got my prostate checked, ick” story. it’s what happened AT the exam that’s funny.

    generally i’m going to stack up a normal prostate check against a normal pap smear or normal woman exam. apples and apples.

    what i am saying is that MY prostate exam was not normal. first, she brought in a witneses, opening the door while i had my pants down. second, that witness was a woman. third, when she was done, she didn’t dismiss the woman witness. and finally, she handed me a tissue, and kept talking, not giving me the opportunity to clean myself up with a little dignity.

    don’t bring your “oh, it sucks way worse to be a woman” song here. i’m not saying it doesn’t (i’m not really qualified to say). i’m saying it doesn’t apply to my story. go tell your own horrible story about how your obgyn invited a gaggle of visitors in to help with the exam. that would be a funny story.

  12. zeph Says:

    not really the threesome you dreamed about as a teen, huh?

  13. Mike Says:

    OK, so my last doctor visit was a tetnus shot, a turn your head and cough and a prostate check. Some fun, huh. Yes, my doctor is a woman and I know her mother. But, thankfully, no extra woman was invited in to make it less awkward. She recommends I go to the specialist, who will, of course, have to do his own exam and probably order an ultrasound. Have not scheduled that one yet – no surprise.

  14. Rick S. Says:

    that’s why they put butcher paper on the exam table. You can just sit there and rock back and forth and clean yourself while they are talking to you.

    Some very funny stuff. 15 years and this story has never been told around the dinner table?

    • dug Says:

      rick, audible.

      i’m sure this chestnut has been told at the dinner table. maybe you were busy making your own memories.

  15. ricky Says:

    thanks for the tip, rick. i’ll try to forget the image and remember the tip.
    and thank goodness for lubrication. did the doc and/or her assistant ever apologize or thank you or anything?

  16. VH1 Says:

    Bravo on the post! As an expert in this field the POSITIONING alone of any female pelvic exam trumps a male exam. I do feel your pain though. I once had my nuts ultrasounded by a young female and her even younger assistant. I didn’t even get a wipe!

  17. b_banks Says:

    dude, that is an AWESOME story. Let me get this straight– she straight handed you a wipe and then continued to talk as if it is no big deal to wipe your ass in front of someone?? Doctor or not, that just ain’t right…………I bet Kim loved this one!

  18. bikemike Says:

    oh my God, that’s so funny when it happens to and is described by someone else…when it happens to me…not so much.

    reminds me i got to go get this done, thanks…no, seriously.

  19. mtb w Says:

    This reminds of a time at band camp – Ok, maybe not.

    zeph – hilarious. Man, you beat me to it.

  20. fish Says:

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read/heard in March, maybe even this year.

  21. Geoff (John West's friend) Says:

    Not an attempt to top this story — because I can’t…but since we’re sharing…

    My boys had some ongoing pain issues for a while. After mustering up the courage (I convinced myself I had testicular cancer), I went to see the doctor. I had an ultrasound (similar to what VH1 described), but here’s the kicker — the nurse gives me a towel and asks me to lift up my penis and then hold it down “tight” across my midsection with the towel. Why “tight?” Was she afraid it would come loose and start whipping around the room like an untethered fire hose?

    Cut to the chase. The doctor gets the results of the ultrasound and sits me down. The verdict? “It looks like you have a case of some good old fashioned ball pain.”

    Seriously. Those were his words. “Good old fashioned ball pain.” What doctor says something like that? He was probably home sick when they covered testicular issues in med school…

    • dug Says:

      geoff, nice. maybe holding it tight would make you squeeze the sphincter which would assist in ultrasounding? maybe? or maybe she was getting back at an old boyfriend by torturing another man?

      what i’m looking forward to now is the new slew of search terms people will use to accidentally come across my blog.

  22. bikemike Says:

    Geoff

    “good old fashioned” as opposed to the new fangled kind of ball pain. not sure i want the new stuff.

    dug
    this subject/topic may be the next evolution from toilets…oh, who am i kidding, it’s all good.

  23. jruss Says:

    In this world, there are one way valves, and there are two way valves. That, my friend, is a one way valve. My doc actually said the following to me while I had my elbows on his examining table: “Now, when I push right here – is that uncomfortable?” How are you supposed to answer that?

  24. Michael in TN Says:

    Oh my god, I haven’t laughed this hard in quite a while. The post was great, but then I get to “good old fashioned ball pain” WTF? Does this guy get kicked in the nuts regularly or something? I have never had any fashion of ball pain. I would have died if a doctor said that to me. Hilarious.
    I haven’t had “the exam” yet, but isn’t it better to have a woman defile you then a man?

    • tohellandback1st Says:

      no

    • BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

      I’m going to have to say YES to that. I just experienced my first prostate exam a few months back and quickly came to the realization that a woman would definitely have been preferable to a man – a man with really large hands.

  25. dug Says:

    michael in tn, i don’t know. i think probably the same.

    • fremont mike Says:

      No it’s not. I’d much rather be buggered by a woman. (Not that I’d like to be buggered at all, but if you have to choose…). Plus they usually have smaller fingers. My old GP had some serious meat hooks.

      mj

  26. JZ Says:

    My male co-worker was getting the same exam from a male doctor who had two medical students/interns (one female) with him. After the doctor had done the examination, he kindly asked whether it would be alright for the students to give it a go. I kid you not. He was so shocked he just agreed. The students also did the hernia check as well. What a deal, three for the price of one.

  27. Rachel W. Says:

    I think it important to note that the OB does bring in a crap load of visitors and assistants during the birthing process which isn’t an entirely “modest” situation either. but you’re right, a hand up your butt still deserves a nod.

    • dug Says:

      rachel, cmon now. birth is special, it’s TOO special not to be shared with the world.

      a hand up your butt, well, it just seems like it should be private.

  28. Tom in CO Says:

    Paybacks are hell. Park your embarrassment and just wipe and hand it to the assistant (she there for a reason, right?). Ask for a second wipe since the first one never gets it all.

  29. Bltackdog Says:

    That was funny. I feel for you.

    I started to tell my Vas story and it just became too long. Let’s just say. Dry Shave. Alcohol afterwards. Shot dead center, smoke rising from your boys followed by bruising and walking bow legged for a week. I think Dr Mengela would have been more compassionate. I doubt this guy practices anymore. I could not recommend him to my worst enemy.

  30. zeph Says:

    alas, it was all for not. found today on msnbc:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29745004/

  31. Jen Says:

    I bet Kim is sad she missed that appointment! Nothing better than watching your husband get squirmy at the doctor’s office! But I will give it to you that your experience was way worse than any exam I’ve ever had.

    Seriously, you need to go back (somewhere) and make sure the prostate isn’t still enlarged.

  32. Mrs. Botched Says:

    Man, I love it when someone sacrifices themselves at the altar of shame in order to bring a smile to all of our faces!

    Dug, my sympathies for you and your awkwardly lubed ass. Please read this post on my blog:
    http://suerichardson.blogspot.com/2008/12/assman-cometh.html
    I feel your pain!

  33. erol Says:

    let me just throw in something to soften the pain boys (and girls, as i have plenty of those stories as well).

    being on the other end of that exam can be painful in a “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” kinda way.

    there is the old fart who can’t control his sphincter and farts on your finger (and in your face) as you exit his tortured tunnel.

    the lower socieconomic guy who didnt get the memo to wipe all your poo off with baby wipes or shower (go figure) for you exam

    and the obese guy who just ooozes odor from every wet, dark, sweaty, bo-daget hanging place where the sun dont shine.

    not pretty. i assure you that in medicine it is not the sight of blood that should deter, but the smell of ASS!!!!!!!!

    take it like a man boys and be glad you do it once a year and not 3 or 4 times a day.


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