i will always have candy

March 19, 2009

On pretty much any given day, at any given time, if you search my pockets, you’ll find something edible. And not icky edible.

Like, if I ever get busted for something, or hauled in, or whatever, and they say to me, in that menacing growl, “Empty your pockets, punk!” the grizzled cop will probably end up eating whatever I put on the table.

I go to church most Sundays and church can last a long time. I’m not so good with that length without some kind of edible. So Saturday nights, as Kim and I are returning from wherever we’ve been, I make a point of stopping by the Harmons for stuff to put in my pockets, and some Diet Coke to stash in the car.

Usually the candy is Twizzlers. Or Twizzler Pull N Peels. Or Nibs. Licorice is a good pocket candy because it’s good fresh and stale, and won’t melt and make a mess.

For Sundays though, I often carry a bag to church, so I’ve got more options. Lately, it’s been Milk Duds. Milk Duds are like the caviar version of Sugar Babies, which exist only to give a contrast to Milk Duds, and to feed to gerbils. If you’re mad at the gerbils. I’m also pretty partial to those mini Charleston Chews. I can eat a whole box in one church service.

In the hallway at church, little kids seek me out and start going through my pockets and my bag. Which I think is a little disconcerting for new people. Can’t blame them. Can’t blame their kids either though.

You know how your crazy aunt always had gum? Well, I promise my kids and my grandkids (and my nieces and nephews, and the kids in the hall): I will always have candy. Even for you kids with crazy parents that never let you have candy. Maybe especially you.

31 Responses to “i will always have candy”

  1. Jeff Says:

    “Do you want a gummy bear? They’ve been in my pocket so they’re warm and soft.”


  2. For someone who puts candy under his pillow I’m not surprised by this at all. It’s a natural progression.

  3. bikemike Says:

    oh, for church, one must have something that makes alot of disturbing crunchy noises enclosed in bag that makes even more noise than said edible.

    you know, like those idiots that sit behind/in front of you at the movies.

    oh and must also require you to make un-godly finger-licking-smacking noises.

    what better place to try out the whole tolerance/forgiveness thing?

    • dug Says:

      bikemike, generally, here’s what i do: if it’s loud packaging, like the charleston chew box or milk duds box, i actually repackage it in a ziplock bag for discretion. i don’t trust the tolerance forgiveness thing.

      • bikemike Says:

        yeah…what was i thinking? when we do our sunday morning rides, we try to avoid church entry/exit, coming and going. these people will take you out in a heartbeat, in God’s name.

  4. chtrich Says:

    Can I go through your pockets during RAWROD?

  5. mark Says:

    Nice thing about candy at church is it’s easy to get away with. What I really wish I could get away with, though, was diet coke and popcorn. And maybe a really big pillow for when the meeting gets boring. And pajamas. And a blanket. And no shoes. And a starbucks in the foyer.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    We do gum for church – fresh breath is a service to others so it’s a totally self-less act.

    But full-on candy, you’re a pioneer, dug. Bold.

    When walking in to church do you look like Kramer when we hauled down all that change down to Pizanos in his pants pockets?

    I like Milk Duds, but I’m always concerned my dental work may not hold up.

    Why did this post remind me of the Child Catcher in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”? (Shudder) That guy creeped me out. Way scarier than most horror movie slashers.

  7. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    I think you were channeling Andy Rooney on this one. I couldn’t help but hear his voice as I was reading it. Which, inevitably, leads to picturing his eyebrows. {shudder}

  8. LT Says:

    word on the candy, makes open mic day much easier.

  9. Rob Says:

    I once had a grizzled cop tell me to; “empty your pockets punk” at a Smiths in downtown SLC. It was bulk candy and I was “sampling” – and taking a little to “sample” later. Smiths management didn’t see it that way – neither did the cop.

    I was 15. I had to talk to a Juvie officer later that week.

    “Get your hand out of the bulk bins!!!” I scream at my kids now. You know…parental responsibilities to teach them from your own mistakes.

    Oh, and did you know that in Canada, you can get NIBS in long strips? true. true.


  10. I heart candy. My favorite candy for cycling and church are Mike & Ike’s. And peanut M&M’s. And peanut butter cups. And Sour Patch Kids. And sour gummy worms. And Mini Eggs. And…

  11. Ohio Methodist Girl Says:

    Oh no, no candy. We Methodists may be a bit more permissive during the week and all but never on Sunday. Never at church. Lord No. (I frankly cannot think of a more uptight place than the actual sanctuary)

    Which, having gone all “Methodist” on you, when I think about it, candy @church should really not be a big deal, like at all. Makes it even funnier, I guess. Next time, I’m going all Twizzlers, Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids. Maybe even some naughty Bottle Caps.

    Oooh, that’d be crazy. Totally crazy.

  12. Jay Says:

    Sugar Babies for the gerbils! No, no, no, to any sugar addict they are melt-in-your mouth delish. But the chocolate version is even better.

  13. VA Biker Says:

    Dug, for context, how long are you in church typically?

    I attend Catholic Mass with my family and it’s seldom over an hour. Food is out of the question, though infants and toddlers get there milk and/or Cheerios…

  14. dug Says:

    a three hour tour.

    however, that’s broken up into 3 segments, including sunday school and such, and only the first segment is akin to a catholic mass, and even then, only about a quarter of that is like a catholic mass.

    hey, i’m not like willie wonka, running around singing and throwing candy in the air. in fact, as i hand a twizzler pull n peel to ian, i always remind him to ball it up in his fist, and be discreet. nothing hanging from his mouth.

    i’m not disrespectful, i just need something to tide me over. it’s not like we’re popping diet coke cans and eating nachos.

    • bikemike Says:

      churches should have concession stands…to make more money and stuff

      • dug Says:

        i’ve attended some non-denominational congregations locally with some friends, and, turns out, they DO have concessions, including a coffee bar. go figure. enlightenment.

    • VA Biker Says:

      3hrs is brutal. I wasn’t just judging about eating during church, just trying to get background on the “why” part. Given the duration, no wonder there is candy involved!

      I think bikemike may be on to something.

  15. forgingahead Says:

    You are the church candyman! How cool is that?

  16. Lynn Says:

    HA HA HA…. when I was a wee little girl, our church had a “candy man” also… his pockets were the same and we all LIVED for the service ending so that we could run over and attack him. You’ll be remembered fondly.

  17. JB Says:

    Whoa… three hours for church. Is this like every Sunday? Three hours?

  18. tonks Says:

    That’s why we like to sit by Dug in Sunday School. Milk Duds. That and the running, under-the-breath commentary between him and Paul. But mostly the Milk Duds. We’ll bring Nibs next week to share.


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