csi, pleasant grove

March 30, 2009

Remember in the movie “Crash” when the carjackers take the tainted Lincoln Navigator to the chop shop?

It goes like this:

Lucien: You watch the Discovery Channel?
Anthony: Not a lot.
Peter: They got some good shit on that channel.
Lucien: Every night there is a show with somebody shining a little blue light and finding tiny specks of blood splattered on carpets and walls and ceiling fans, bathroom fixtures and special-edition plastic Burger King tray cups. The next thing they show is some stupid redneck in handcuffs who looks absolutely stunned that this is happening to him. Sometimes the redneck is actually WATCHING the Discovery Channel when they break in to arrest him. And he still can’t figure out how on earth they could’ve caught him!
[pauses]
Lucien: Psst. Do I look like I wanna be on the Discovery Channel?
Anthony: No.

That exact thing happened to me once. Sort of.

Kim went out of town, to Paris I think, and me n the boys got together for a movie night. One of the movies was Striptease. You know, the Carl Hiaason novel that was totally ruined by Demi Moore, because she couldn’t stand the idea that in a Carl Hiaason story, EVERYBODY is satirical, including the single mother stripper she was playing? Except I hadn’t read the book yet and didn’t know that at the time. Plus, for a guy movie night, Striptease seemed like a nice fit, sandwiched in between Happy Gilmore and Fargo.

Anyway, I knew Kim wouldn’t be very happy about me renting and watching Striptease, especially since I had done that very married male thing of protesting how stupid the movie looked when we saw commercials for it. Chirp.

So why am I out here on the Internets, advertising my transgression?

Too late. She found out. Because when I astutely returned the movies that I had rented from Blockbuster to my neighborhood HOLLYWOOD, Blockbuster sent me (that is, our HOUSE) a notice a few weeks later wondering what I had done with their copy of Striptease.

You don’t have to be a genius to be a man. All it takes is . . . well, you know.

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16 Responses to “csi, pleasant grove”

  1. bikemike Says:

    if, i could somehow type out the way tom hanks laughed in “the money pit” when the bath tub fell through the second floor…i would

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    Oh, man, cold busted. But I’m not going to get on your case because …

    Let he who is without sin, cast the first DVD

    You’re like the Larry David of blogging.

  3. mark Says:

    Busted as you are/were, it’s really nice that you didn’t squeal on your co-conspirators. I’ll keep that in mind.

    MOCougFan, I think Dug’s on to something here if you’re looking for your sentence to end early.

  4. fish Says:

    Is that what it takes to be a man, Mr. Lebowski?

  5. ricky Says:

    disappointed that you didn’t review striptease. was it awesome?

  6. Jeff Says:

    Striptease was a book? How do you get away with reading that around your wife?

    • dug Says:

      carl hiaasen is that good an author. i particularly recommend double whammy.

      • bikemike Says:

        carl hiassen is a florida boy and he actually stays here in vero beach quite often…get me a list of guys busted viewing strip tease and i’ll get him to personally call each of your wives and smooth things over…yep, i’m sure i can make that happen

  7. andy Says:

    ahahaha! that is AWESOME!

  8. steveA Says:

    Duh!!

  9. Grizzly Adam Says:

    “Kim went out of town, to Paris I think, and me n the boys got together for a movie night. One of the movies was Striptease.”

    When I first read that, I assumed you meant your sons.

    And I was SHOCKED!

    And then I realized that that is not what you meant.


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