the death zone

April 17, 2009

As I’m sure you all know since you check my page like it’s a Twitter account (right?), I was in San Diego with the family for Spring break last week.

Well, during the drive down and the drive back, I had an epiphany. I have discovered the exact location of the worst drivers in the world.

Alert the media. And Fox News.

I’m pretty sure these drivers are not normal people, but rather are specially trained Ninja drivers, who are deployed in shifts into what I will henceforth refer to as “The Death Zone.” I don’t know WHERE these drivers, who are recruited from all walks of life, are trained. But I do know where they drive.

Interstate 15, between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

It’s like someone poured these drivers onto this stretch of highway like thumbtacks dumped by Basque separatists onto a stretch of Tour de France road. Havoc ensues.

Some drive 50mph in the left lane, no matter what, with laser-like focus. Some drive 100mph in ALL lanes, switching lanes (including the shoulder) willy nilly, if gangsters in hopped up Ford Escorts with windows so darkly tinted you would need a lighthouse to see inside can ever be described as behaving in “willy nilly” fashion.

Some are truck drivers whose only interest is to never touch their brakes or lose momentum.

You would think that on a 200 mile stretch  of Mojave desert highway, you could use your cruise control for at least some of it.

Instead, I broke off my cruise control lever and taped it to the middle of a big foam hand and used it to perpetually flip off the entire population of the Death Zone. I’m telling you, I have never been so close to going all Rutger Howard on someone. It’s enough to keep me out of the land of milk and honey.


17 Responses to “the death zone”

  1. Shelle Says:

    Perfect description of that stretch.

  2. erol Says:

    yo dug, how friggn old are you? the reason we have to dart and weave is because of the left lane retards and guys in landcruisers that tailgate. yo yo yo, you kno what im sayin? life is dynamic my friend and so is driving. not a static, contiguous journey of 200 mile 74 mph stretches. my last m3 didnt even have cruise control. leave the cupholders empty, tell the kids to stop arguing over the playlist of lionel ritchie you chose, and friggin drive.

  3. dug Says:

    hi erol!

    i have one question–how dark are your windows?

  4. erol Says:

    the term pussies is one of affection, and saying it means we’re homies…..yo. my windows are certainly past the legal limit, and to illustrate my complete disregard for anything legal and conventional, i even tinted the windshield. primo.

  5. mark Says:

    It’s not the land of milk and honey. That’s where we we live. It’s the land of fruits and nuts.

    BTW, have you ever driven in Cupertino?

  6. chessed Says:

    Try Boston once. Massive game of chicken.

    • MOCougFan Says:

      I’m with Chessed. I was terrified in Boston. I was a kid. On vacation. My dad swore like a sailor. Thought we were gonna die for sure.

      However, some years ago I was driving that stretch in the desert. I must have been doing at least 85. Cause I speed a lot. Anyways, I got passed by this corvette. Not passed…. flown by. Don’t know how fast she was going, but I do know my car didn’t go that fast. 20 miles later she was pulled over and spread eagle on the front of her car. Awesome.

      • chessed Says:

        I have a friend who was (at that time) the most aggressive driver I knew. By a large margin.

        In Boston, the last time I was there, he seemed the only sensible driver on the road.

    • KanyonKris Says:

      Massachusetts has one of, if not THE, highest rates for automobile insurance in the nation. And this is largely due to Boston drivers.

      Perhaps the Las Vegas mafias pay Boston drivers to come out and cruise the death zone – to keep Californians from falling asleep at the wheel. Not much money to be made from dead gamblers.

      And if they do arrive alive, they are so hoped up on adrenaline from close calls, loosing a few grand to the casinos is seen as a validation of life.

  7. bikemike Says:

    i’ve never gone “rutger hauer” on anyone but would like too. i do, however go “House” on people as often as i can…it usually involves cell phone usage and driving at the same time.

    I-15, yep, been there…it has to happen when you have traffic going into and coming out of one of the biggest idiot pools in the world.

  8. Rob Says:

    On a dark strech of highway in Mexico I passed an ancient truck, no tail lights, headlights, reflectors. There was however a kid with a flashlight shining it out the windshield onto the road………….

  9. Jenny-Jenny Says:

    I often feel that way driving between Provo and SLC.

  10. Flyin' Ute Says:

    I was passed by a motorcycle gang riding wheelies at 100 mph. I was doing 90 at about 1am and no less than 30 of these guys went flying by. I’m talking full on wheelies at 100. Crazy.

    3 minutes later I was passed by two coppers with their lights off doing well over 100 mph in hot pursuit.

    Never saw anyone pulled over but it was awesome.

  11. Flyin' Ute Says:

    It was just outside of Victorville.

  12. Eric Says:

    I once past a car on the intersate with a dead puppy hanging from the driver’s door bottom. You know, like sometimes you see a coat belt or something hanging out from the bottom of the door like the person got in and shut the door but everything wasn’t inside yet. I was going maybe 5 mph faster than this car and wondered what was dangling from the door as I moved out to pass. It was a puppy from the neck down. The head was actually clamped in the door part. I looked at the puppy in horror, looked up at the driver (who looked at me, I’m convinced, completely unaware of the situation) and back down at the puppy. I was stunned. And we were in the middle of nowhere, (Missouri I think) so it’d been there awhile. I wonder what the driver thought when they got to their destination, stopped, opened the door, got out and there was the puppy lying on the ground. The same puppy they saw awhile back right before shutting the door. You can’t make this stuff up.


  13. dug Says:

    eric, yes you can.

    and that’s gross.

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