the death zone
April 17, 2009
As I’m sure you all know since you check my page like it’s a Twitter account (right?), I was in San Diego with the family for Spring break last week.
Well, during the drive down and the drive back, I had an epiphany. I have discovered the exact location of the worst drivers in the world.
Alert the media. And Fox News.
I’m pretty sure these drivers are not normal people, but rather are specially trained Ninja drivers, who are deployed in shifts into what I will henceforth refer to as “The Death Zone.” I don’t know WHERE these drivers, who are recruited from all walks of life, are trained. But I do know where they drive.
Interstate 15, between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.
It’s like someone poured these drivers onto this stretch of highway like thumbtacks dumped by Basque separatists onto a stretch of Tour de France road. Havoc ensues.
Some drive 50mph in the left lane, no matter what, with laser-like focus. Some drive 100mph in ALL lanes, switching lanes (including the shoulder) willy nilly, if gangsters in hopped up Ford Escorts with windows so darkly tinted you would need a lighthouse to see inside can ever be described as behaving in “willy nilly” fashion.
Some are truck drivers whose only interest is to never touch their brakes or lose momentum.
You would think that on a 200 mile stretch of Mojave desert highway, you could use your cruise control for at least some of it.
Instead, I broke off my cruise control lever and taped it to the middle of a big foam hand and used it to perpetually flip off the entire population of the Death Zone. I’m telling you, I have never been so close to going all Rutger Howard on someone. It’s enough to keep me out of the land of milk and honey.