oldness sets in

April 27, 2009

How old do you spose you have to be before this starts happening:

You go the restroom with some urgency, in order to perform your morning (or afternoon, if you’re that sort of person), er, duty (Ha). You know. Number two. Am I dancing around it too much here?

Anyway. You successfully conclude your business. You stand. You wash your hands.

And suddenly you realize you now need some number one business. With some urgency.

Really, how could you not have realized this before? And by “you” of course, I mean Me. How could I be sitting there, going about my business, and NOT realize that both numbers are in the que? (And while we’re at it, why does my text editor think “que” isn’t a word? [oh, well, i’ve now been informed. the lesson, as always–i am an idiot])

I would say this happens twice a week, at least. But it wasn’t always so. I remember a time when this NEVER happened. But I can’t remember exactly when this began happening.

But then, I can’t remember much of anything anymore. Maybe that’s one of the signs.

26 Responses to “oldness sets in”

  1. Rob Says:

    THIS is your RAWROD post?…I’ll check back in a couple hours.

  2. bikemike Says:

    dug, hope your oozing, bloody wounds are healing nicely.
    now, to important business. i can’t remember back to when this started. i do know that i can also stand at the throne and pee for 2-3 minutes, wash up, head out the door and have to RUN back inside to pee again. don’t even get me started on the ritual that is undertaken when number 2 business is all complete and things are properly tidied up…and, BAM, gotta go again.

    crap.

  3. Onomastic Says:

    Que is spelled queue. Silly, but true.

  4. Aaron Says:

    Your text editor doesn’t recognize “que” because it is not in Spanish mode. In Spanish, “que” means “what.” In English, there is a similar word spelled queue, which your text editor might recognize. 🙂

    When my 4 your old goes poop and pee, she calls it “number 3”, because it’s like number 1 plus number 2. I told her that I didn’t think it was possible to go ONLY number 2, so having a “number 3” wasn’t necessary. But she assured me that going only “number 2” certainly was possible. After reading this post, I guess she was right.

    • dug Says:

      number three. you know, i really like that. i like it a lot. your daughter is a genius. she probably knows how to spell queue too.

      • steve Says:

        I’m lovin the 3!!!!

      • Aaron Says:

        I must admit, I’ve never been prouder than when she came up with number 3. Her first word was “poop” (seriously), so I knew she was destined for greatness.

        Soon, in addition to “drop a deuce”, we’ll have “toss a trey.” Or something like that.

    • mark Says:

      If we’re getting really specific, “qué” means “what” as in “what knight lives in that castle?”, while “que” means “that,” as in “the feeling that comes when you get done washing your hands and realize that you aren’t completely finished.”

  5. Olivia Says:

    Oh thank goodness. I was starting to get all disoriented because it had been so long since a bathroom post. Sometimes getting old ain’t pretty. I like the addition of a #3. Very clever.

  6. Jenny-Jenny Says:

    I learned a little about Alzheimer’s today. If someone hands you a set of keys and you don’t know what they’re for you’re okay. If someone hands you a set of keys and you don’t know what they are then you’re in trouble. As long you still know what number 2 is maybe you’re okay. My daughter didn’t know for years that they could happen individually.

  7. KanyonKris Says:

    I didn’t need to hear this. I know this stuff is coming my way, I’m that age. But there really is something to be said for “ignorance is bliss”. But that’s not dug, the grand expositor.

    Another vote for #3 – genius indeed.

  8. Steve Says:

    doug – I didn’t think you had passed 50 yet.

    oh, sorry.

    • Steve Says:

      wait, i meant “dug”. sorry. that’s kind of like not knowing how to spell cue (the proper spelling if you prefer billiards to standing in line).

  9. Anonymous Says:

    I have a nephew that has a designation for one through ten. I can’t remember them all, but as you approached the double digits one of them involved corn.

    • mark Says:

      Anonymous, I wish I knew who you were, because I could swear you were one of my siblings and I know which nephew you’re talking about. Either that or my nephew’s numbering system isn’t that unique.

      • steve Says:

        It is a testament to the quality of people dug’s blog attracts that you would even question if there was another person out there with such a numbering system.

  10. Cree Says:

    In que, that is definitely a WOW(world of warcraft) term. You do that almost all the time waiting to get into an arena lol

  11. eber Says:

    BEWARE: INCOMING TMI (avert your eyes)

    Coincidentally I have been reading this post WHILE extracting my own #3. Funny thing though, I just realized the full extraction occurred within the first minute of post reading. Since then, I have been intermittently squirtting #1 for the about three minutes. That is either another sign of oldness, internal issues, or RAWROD catching up to me.

    Thanks for the laugh today Dug.

  12. Mike Says:

    Ha ha. Next is a number one followed immediately by another number one. “I thought I was done”

  13. tohellandback1st Says:

    between your post and the comments i feel much less like a freak of nature. thanks. still actuallly a fon, just much less…

  14. BurkeInTheOzarks Says:

    You people are all SICK and, apparently, OLD!

    Okay – full disclosure – I’m 43 and, unfortunately, I can relate all too well…

  15. erol Says:

    dug, last time i examined your prostate, you know that night on the beach in san diego, i did think your prostate was larger than i remembered it on our last “broke-beach mountain” encounter. aren’t you only 50? as your sometimes doctor, sometimes lover, i recommend the herb saw-palmetto which can shrink the prostate by up to 30%, and flomax .4mg once a day. butter. number “3” like you were 12 again.

    p.s., sorry, i know i promised, but i just couldn’t keep it in anymore.


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