friendly cannibalism

April 30, 2009

Kim likes to think of where I grew up, Golden Valley, Minnesota, as where the Keebler Elves live. Well, it’s true, the Keebler Elves were my best friends growing up, kind of like Neil Diamond’s “Shilo.”

Kind of.

Here’s the problem. I love E.L. Fudge cookies. LOVE them. How could you not? Butter sandwich cookies with fudge creme filling. When the “nutrition” info on a box of two dozen cookies lists the serving size as ONE cookie, you know it’s stuffed with high calorie goodness.

elfudge package

Wait, let me be clearer. The problem isn’t that I love E.L. Fudge cookies, the problem is that I feel like I KNOW these guys. And by “these guys” I mean, you know, the actual cookies.

See? These guys have NAMES. Fast Eddie, Ernie, Elwood, and Buckets.

elfudge group shot

How cruel is it to make a cookie that is so good you have to stuff 5 in your mouth at once, and at the same time, name the cookies and make them seem like good guys, guys you’d hang with, go bowling with like Lars’s friends in Lars and the Real Girl?

“Hey, nice ball, you’re on FIRE. And, now I’m going to eat your head.”

I brought up the problem at the daily developer meeting the other day, and got no sympathy. All I got were different ways to eat an E.L. Fudge.

“I just bite off the head, then pop the rest of the cookie in my mouth.”

elfudge eat elwood's head

Or, “I just eat the guts, and then the skin.”

elfudge eat guts


I always take a look at the name before I eat a cookie, and apologize, like Daniel Day Lewis in “Last of the Mohicans,” when he kills that deer. “I’m sorry little buddy, but you’re so delicious, I’m going to have to eat you now.” (Or maybe it’s Sling Blade.)

Except Bucket. I don’t apologize to him. He’s kind of a dick.


10 Responses to “friendly cannibalism”

  1. savvymama Says:

    All these years I’ve been eating E L Fudge cookies
    and I didn’t know they had names! I don’t know
    if that makes me want to eat them more or less!! I
    think I’ll skip Bucket, tho, for sure!

  2. bikemike Says:

    does each cookie having a different name “seem” to make them taste different, individually?

    i mean, because bucket is a dick, does he taste like crap, so to speak?

  3. Simón Says:

    There’s cause for serious concern here, Dug. Cannibalish, whether friendly or not, is still cannibilism. Having said that, the keebler guts are delicious.

  4. jruss Says:

    mmmmmm…. they are delicious, and if’n I remember correctly, that is the same sound that slingblade would make.

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    And why do the elves look so happy? Don’t they know they’re going to be eaten?

    It make me wonder if after the elves settled into their plastic tray right before the plastic film package was placed over them and sealed, a Keebler employee tells them a happy story about traveling to an exotic land and living carefree lives of frolic and amusement.

    Then the package is opened and dug gruffly grabs Buckets #3 and unapologetically bites his head off.

    Who are these horribly Keeblers? Disturbing.

  6. anon Says:

    What is Ernie doing with his right hand?

  7. MOCougFan Says:

    Gotta drown them before you rip their heads off. Milk and Cookies. Its one reason I’m fat.

  8. kel Says:

    Has anyone else noticed that these E.L. Fudge cookies are not good like they used to be??? Is this because of the dreaded no-transfat rule?

    I just bought a new package today and the cookies are nearly inedible–no more buttery taste, and the so-called fudge was akin to brown sugar-paste. The cookies were not even held together like they used to!! I had to PRESS the cookies against the fudge, and yes, this is a new fresh pack.

    I’m returning them; this happened to me about a year ago and I ignored it. These cookies will never return to their former glory….

    I’m writing Keebler.

  9. mikx Says:

    Have you ever tried dipping them in soda? Root beer and cookies mmmmmmm

  10. kelley Says:

    I ate 4 at once as a teenager. And I ate them literally every single day for years. Somehow, I was always underweight. I always had to put ’em in a specific order too. And, of course, Buckets was last.

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