i’m funny, damnit

April 30, 2009

You know how those South American soccer players will go crashing to the ground and roll around for 5 minutes like they’re on fire, and maybe they get carted off on a stretcher, only to come sprinting back into the game a minute or two later? Have you seen that aerosol bottle the trainer uses to spray the “injured” area?

I need one of those.

Maddy broke her collarbone this week in a soccer game, and that spray would have totally come in handy. But no dice, so we took her to the orthopede in Park City yesterday.

The word on the street is that this guy is the Man, the top guy, you know, “TOP . . . MEN.”

And so he appears to be. But he didn’t like my jokes.

To be fair, Kim didn’t like my jokes either (but Maddy did).

We’re in the exam room, I’m along for support, and the mood is tense, and when I’m tense, I get a bit jokey. Stuff that just KILLS in my head.

For example, I asked the doctor what kind of plates they use, and would she need to have the plate removed later. He said they used to have generic plates that had to be custom bent for each application or bone, but now they have custom titanium plates, titanium plates that are pre-manufactured and bent for every bone that might need one.

I lamented how tough that was in this economy, you know, for the plate benders. Sad for them.

He looked at me. He blinked. Kim looked desperate, like she might stuff my mouth with gauze to keep me from alienating the guy who would be operating on Maddy the next day. And so, of course, I stopped trying to be funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I wish. In fact, I made about 20 more jokes, and the orthopede handed us our surgery registration information as fast as he could, and practically sprinted from the room. Kim looked at me and said “Really? You can’t keep it in for 20 minutes?”

I was going to make a joke here about a prophet and his own country. But that seems a bit, well, much.

Remember when Chandler and Monica went on their honeymoon, and on the return flight, they met a lovely couple who gave them a fake number so they could never call? Chandler accused Monica of asking too many questions, and Monica returned that Chandler told too many jokes. Remember? “Was that a joke?” “Was that a question?”

The drive home was kind of like that. Maddy had that trapped look in her eyes, like she would trade her sixteenth birthday for a pair of huge headphones.

13 Responses to “i’m funny, damnit”

  1. bikemike Says:

    (most) men are funny, all women (except for bonnie hunt and ellen) are not funny. they’re always trying to drag us down and i think we’re the funniest when things are tense and the chips are down.

    women can bite my…hey, is that a bag of keebler cookies on the table.

    see.

  2. erol Says:

    tell kim that when i’m nervous i blurt out profanity, you know like tourette’s, or fart. consider herself lucky that you just act retarted.

    no really though dug, leave it to a surgeon to have no sense of humour. to assure that he’ll be on his game tomrrow, tell him your a personal injury lawyer and brag about your last 3 settlements, works like a charm. tell maddy i’m sorry. (about the clavicle and her father)

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    I thought the plate bender joke was funny. Can you trust a doctor that has no sense of humor? Maybe he’s not THE MAN.

    This story was amusing, but your delivery made it hilarious. I was laughing out loud. Thanks man – who can’t use a good laugh? (Evidently big shot doctor, so what do I know.)

  4. stevenb Says:

    Finally, someone more accident prone than you!!!! Love to Maddy, and ya’ll will be in our prayers.

  5. Jeff Says:

    Personally, I think that if Maddy thinks your funny, then you’re fine. She’s the one who should me made to felt comfortable, since she’s the one who’s hurt.

    But it is mom’s job to worry and dad’s job to be confident that everything will be fine. At least that’s how it is at my house.

  6. Flyin' Ute Says:

    Plate Bending actually put me through college. That is the main reason I ride a Moots.

    Fond memories of titanium.

  7. Jen Says:

    He laughed at Vard’s jokes … maybe you weren’t really that funny!! 🙂 Hope everything went well!

  8. Gary Says:

    My wife found me funny before we got married. After we married, not at all. No more Mr. Funny. I also wasn’t allowed to pick out my own outfits anymore.

    I think that no sense of humor is a prerequisite for surgeons. My ortho surgeon in Orem has no sense of humor. My dad’s neighbor is a cardio-thoracic surgeon. Zero humor. A family friend that is a plastic surgeon? No sign of humor whatsoever. I think that if you have a sense of humor you go into pediatrics or become a dentist.

  9. Jay Says:

    Something about accident proneness in the family. Not sure where it started, but I’m all about it and unfortunately Talon has the gene. Last night at soccer I see Eric (with Talon crying in his arms) walking towards me with a “try not to laugh face” that wasn’t working. Apparently Talon didn’t see the giant light pole and ran straight into it as he was racing to the park. I wish I could tell him it gets better…my poor son.


  10. Of course you’re funny.

    That’s gotta hurt though…my best to Maddy.

  11. Senior Says:

    Dug, that was hilarious! I know the Doc (I recommended him to you – you know, Tom Rosenberg’s partner – Tiger’s doc, and he was in our ward in SLC – bishopric counselor – that alone could count for a lot – you know what the “mantle” does to the sense of humor!) and i am a little suprised at his reaction. However, knowing how intimidating you are, i can see he might not have known how to “engage” (you know, “engage Maverick, engage!”)you in the conversation. He was probably thinking, uh, oh, this guy is smart and if i stay in this room with him too long he amy find out he is smarter than i am and that’s one thing they taught us in medical never to do – let the patient know they are as smart as you are! (sorry Erol!:)) Yep, i think it’s just intimidation, and i’m sure he did the best work he possibly could do on Maddy because he “had to prove it to you” he was as smart as you are! Are you sleeping ok? I hope so, because this was clearly a missed opportunity on the part of Dr. Metcalf to enjoy some of the best humor on the planet!

    • erol Says:

      yo john, no worries mate, i know im usually the stupidest one in the room so i must have been skipping that lecture too.

      p.s. do you have your superbike tickets? i’ll be up for that and would love to see ya’. maybe go for a ride


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