um, awesome?

May 13, 2009

Today I would like to talk about Bo Derek’s breasts. Eventually.

I saw them when I was about 14 years old because my Dad

  • didn’t want to wait in the theater lobby for 2 hours
  • wanted to teach me how to appreciate good movies by showing me bad ones
  • mostly didn’t want to wait in the theater lobby for 2 hours

My Dad took my older brother Steve and me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the only theater showing it was a good 30 minute drive from our house. In those days we didn’t have the handy dandy world wide webs to check showtimes or to reserve seats (the greatest innovation in movie going since the invention of the talkies), and we arrived for the movie only to discover that the showing we wanted was sold out.

Instead of just chucking the plan and going home, we bought tickets for the next showing two hours later, and sat down in the lobby to wait.

That lasted like five minutes before we started driving my Dad crazy, so he said “Hey, let’s see what else is playing RIGHT NOW, so I don’t have to sit here between you two monkeys.”

Speaking of monkeys, the only movie available was Tarzan the Ape Man, starring Bo Derek’s breasts.

My Dad considered the alternatives for about ten seconds, and bought three tickets.

After about an hour and a half of watching Bo Derek’s breasts chase Tarzan through the jungle, we headed into the other theater to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. “So,” said my Dad. “What did  you think?” I don’t know what was going on in his head really, since in retrospect, he was clearly hoping I would say the movie was stupid, maybe the cinematography was decent, how about that Richard Harris, and what the hell was up with that vacuous blond woman?

Instead my 14 year old mouth said “Um. Awesome?” I think my response took ten years off his life.


13 Responses to “um, awesome?”

  1. bikemike Says:

    yessir, breastesess were all the rage when i was a kid…now, they’re not real and i don’t like ’em one bit (the fake ones, i mean) no sir, not one bit.

    were bo derek and farrah what’s her name, interchangeable?

  2. Robin Says:

    A stinky office fridge in California causes a building wide evacuation and sends seven people to the hospital, and all you’ve got today is Bo Derek’s breasts? That’s a little disappointing.

  3. Mike J Says:

    I saw Tarzan the Ape Man when I was 16 and thought it was um, awesome too. I can’t remember, were there any other actors in that movie? I’m thinking there weren’t.

  4. Mrs. Botched Says:

    bikemike, did you just say “breastesess”?

    Um, awesome!

  5. Sean Says:

    Reminds me of when my dad took me to see my first James Bond movie. I very clearly remember find the opening credits to be “um. awesome?”

  6. stevenbpt Says:

    Ahhhhh, sweet memories, don’t fail me now!!!

  7. Big Boned Says:

    Robin – You really ARE from Venus aren’t you? You compare the relative importance of Bo Derek’s breastesses and a stinky fridge? Not even close!

  8. Big Boned Says:

    Mike –
    Where you from? I just noticed there appears to be regional spellings of “breastesses”. I am certain that both spellings are acceptable! I grew up in Michigan and live in VA.

    • bikemike Says:


      florida,now… by way of south carolina. it just “SEEMED” better than using “breasticles” of which i’m extremely fond and want to use when the mood strikes.

  9. mark Says:

    Is Tarzan the Ape Man at Redbox? Just asking.

  10. WheelDancer Says:

    Breasticles. Definitely breasticles.

    I grew up back when breasticles only appeared in National Geographic and am certain my father sooner would have sat there for two weeks before taking his boys into such a film.

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