who are these people

June 11, 2009

I remember way back in ’82, during the great war . . .

Well, anyway, I remember way back in ’82, watching Paul Newman in The Verdict, for some reason this movie stayed with me, but not the whole movie, cuz that would be too much, whole movies don’t stay with you, but I remember very clearly the Big Reveal, when Kaitlin, the nurse, is on the stand, and she’s saved a copy of the damning evidence, the admittance form, that’ll implicate the big bad hospital. And she’s angry, not just angry, but FURIOUS, because these people have taken away something she loved.

“He told me to change the ‘1’ to a ‘9’… or else… or else he said, he said he’d fire me. He said I’d never work again. Who were these men? Who were these men? I wanted to be a nurse!”

These men. That line has stuck with me. It stuck with me last night, when a couple of yahoos at the movie theater tried to ruin my night. I don’t want to be a nurse, but I love movies.

I went to “The Hangover” with Rick n Sleepy. We tucked into our seats in the second to last row just as the last preview ended. And instantly I knew I was in trouble, because behind me was a couple that would have looked right at home taking tickets for the big spinny ride at a community carnival. You know those people? Who ARE those people? I never see them anywhere but at the carnival. Where do they live? What do they do when there’s no carnival? And where do they buy those shirts that don’t go all the way to their waist and those cool trucker hats?

Anyway, I know I’m in trouble because she’s practically in his seat, she’s already spilling popcorn all over her Dress Barn dress, and she’s talking in a voice like she works in that factory from the end of the first Terminator movie. And talks. And talks.

I haven’t been in a fight since 6th grade, and I got my ass kicked real good in that one. But I was so tense my hands were all balled up and sweating. I turned and looked. And looked again.

Sleepy told me to calm down. I asked him if he had my back.

Instead he told me to go sit on the other side of Rick. “Just GO.”

From over there I could only occasionally hear her laugh like a hyena and repeat for the projectionist the line she’d heard a few minutes earlier but only just now understood.

I sat on my hands. I ate my popcorn.

I swear, these things take years off my life. Who are these people?  Have you ever talked about movie talkers, and had anybody, ANYBODY ever express sympathy for them, ever say “wait a minute, I LIKE to talk in movies, piss off.”

Who ARE these people?


35 Responses to “who are these people”

  1. chtrich Says:

    Hence the beauty of watching movies at home!

  2. grizzly adam Says:

    Okay, let me get this right:

    You went to THE HANGOVER, and then were surprised when members of the audience were not up to snuff on their movie attendance etiquette?

    You were at The Hangover.

    But I do share your curiosity about just who these people are. Every year I stand in awe at the people surrounding me at the Orem Summerfest. Where do they go the other 363 days of the year?

    To the movies, it would seem.

    • KanyonKris Says:

      Summerfest. I console myself that I’m doing it for the kids, but inside I want to run away. I’ll probably be there tomorrow.

      Reminds me of our 1st and only Orem Easter Egg hunt when our 1st-born was a toddler. We line up and the instructions are clear: let the kids do the hunting. Ready, set, go. Most of the parents were dragging their kids by the arm grabbing eggs as they raced down field. All for some candy and a shot at $25 in groceries at Macy’s. I think our little one got 2 eggs – fortunately she was too young to understand and be sad. That’s when I learned there were a lot of those people in Orem.

      • grizzly adam Says:

        Kris, I go for the Motherload: a hamburger topped with a brat.

        Don’t try and tell that is not why you are there. Because I know that that is why you are there.

    • dug Says:

      adam, i paid my 8 bucks. unless it’s rocky horror picture show or it’s g rated, movie etiquette is the same. sit down and shut up.

      every now and then, while driving, i’ll point out some houses to kim: “THAT’S where they live.”

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    Here’s the solution: Members only movie night. (Members must be courteous.) Seriously, how cool would that be?

    • dug Says:

      kris, i’m in. i mean, i know, this is why people put in home theaters. but home theaters aren’t the same. i LIKE the big screen. i would miss it.

      • KanyonKris Says:

        You know, this private movie night thing could happen. Novell would occasionally rent out a theater so the employees could go watch a movie together. Why couldn’t a group of avid movie-goers rent out a theater to watch a film in peace?

        I wonder if any theater owner ever tried this? Surely they know many patrons are put off by the bad behavior of others. They could set aside a few showings for their preferred customers.

  4. sonja Says:

    I LIKE to talk in movies. Piss off.

  5. christa89 Says:

    I’m trying to imagine you sitting on your hands while eating popcorn. Hmm.

  6. bikemike Says:

    “These People” are the same ones who would’ve been the real people lost in the woods of “The Blair Witch Project”. Oh yes, my friend, you would be rooting for the witch.

    we have a new theater in town called The Majestic. it’s not in the mall and tickets are $5.00 all day. they also do a 10:00a.m. show and i saw Star Trek with only 5 people in the place.

    come to Vero Beach, dug, the movie’s on me.

  7. Eric Says:

    “We tucked into our seats…”. Nice.

  8. BotchedExperiment Says:

    I’ve been thinking about this lately, because the law firm recently hired a secretary and I’m sure she’s one of THOSE people. I don’t know if those people go undercover, or whether they hibernate when they’re not attending Poison reunion concerts.

    Anyway, the secretary tries to hide it, but there are tells:

    1) Slightly horse voice. Are they always horse because they constantly talk as loudly as possible, or is it the cigarettes?

    2) Clothing is just a little too tight and a little too low cut. I believe there is actually a congenital defect with these people, wherein their torsos are longer than average. Hence, the midriff.

    3) Talking on the phone. It’s as if she’s laying sideways on her bed, twirling the phone cord in her fingers, talking with her BFF. Except she’s at work.

    4) Topics of conversation rarely stray from parties, concerts, cars, and “I knew this one guy once who….”

  9. Flyin' Ute Says:


    I’ve got your back. You don’t even need to ask.

  10. stevenbpt Says:

    Dude, Ditto. Your back is safe with me. I think the dollar theater was closed for fumigation and those two snuck into your theater. That’s when you make sure you fire up the beans and spicy food and let loose with your own version of fumigation. Make sure whoever is with you has a swine flu mask.

  11. Bandit Says:

    Who are these people?? You know who they are. They are the same people who don’t use their turn signals and turn right in front of you when you are trying to pull out. They are the ones who cut in lines at the amusement park. They are the ones who talk loudly on cell phones in restaurants. “It’s all about me” to these people. They are all over the place.

  12. Bandit Says:

    Or in bike terms… They are the ones that ride the trails in the spring thaw and leave pizza cutter tracks. They throw their snack wrappers on the trail and at the trail head. I could go all day on this subject…

  13. HowardBollixter Says:

    Wednesday/Thursday nights, late show, two-three weeks after movie release. I’m the only one in the theater, a private screening, practically guaranteed. Love it.

    • dug Says:

      i’m not disputing that. i COULD avoid these people. but then my movement is limited. my rights are infringed. i HATE these people.

  14. Ray Says:

    My whole family will start a series of calming conversations about the time I announce “Hey let’s go to the movies” and all this is the because of ” Those people”. I am firmly convinced they have a strong political lobbying committee that presses for warning labels on anything electrical or with moving parts. How else could they make it in the wild.

  15. Bob B Says:

    Assertion: Most movie talkers sit in the back of the theater.

    • dug Says:

      bob, assertion: movie talkers are EVERYWHERE. front, back, side, middle. and they are drawn to me, like they’re conducting some kind of science experiment.

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