June 15, 2009

You know how everybody poops? But how some people don’t like to talk about it?

I understand that. It’s messy and stinky. However, poop is life. It’s like breathing. Except grosser.

Well, today I’ve got to get something off my, er, chest. I’ve extolled the virtue of the bidet on several occasions, in fact, on every available occasion. But I want to come clean (wait for it) about a certain “downside” to the bidet.

Here it is. If you’ve spent the day a little, well, looser than normal, requiring repeated trips to the outhouse, and you’ve also spent the day away from your home base, using someone else’s toilet paper, someone else’s facilities, upon your return to the magical bathroom with the magical toilet, you might breathe a sigh of relief, you might really look forward to the sweet sweetness that is the oscillating heated water spray on your nether ye.

Turns out, NOT.

I’ve never jumped so fast so far in my life. Oh the sting. Oh the awkwardness. I hit the spray button, waited for the magic, and it was like I had been stung on my ass by a swarm of bees (and I know a little something about that).

I’m not saying I don’t still love the bidet. I’m just saying, in the words of Captain Sergeant Phil Esterhaus, “Be careful out there.”

17 Responses to “ouch”

  1. bikemike Says:

    sounds like a freaky movie…”Bee Stings on The Butt, From The Bidet”.

    put some rubbing alcohol on there, you’ll be fine.

  2. mark Says:

    If your blog were a band, I’d expect you to break up, or at least rename yourselves, any day now.

  3. LT Says:

    On my 2 year crusade to Argentina I always found the bidet to be so soothing even w/ the sting you mention. It goes away and then it is sweet relief.

    • bikemike Says:

      bill cosby did a routine about jock itch. said a good case of jock itch was better than any woman cause if you went for two or three days without scratching, when you finally did, it would be the best feeling of relief you could get.

      someone should test this theory…not me, though.

  4. stevenbpt Says:

    Who the crap, pardon the pun, is Captain Phil? And, you made me laugh out loud, at work, in front of patients. I can just see your expression of disbelief and horror. I’m not proud, I can take that bidet off your hands if you like. My kids have been begging for one ever since that reunion and then found out you had got one.

    • dug Says:

      steve, cmon man, i LINKED to it. how is it easier to ASK me who he is than to click the link?

      • stevenbpt Says:

        Wasn’t paying attention. You threw me off. If you had correctly identified him as SEARGENT Phil … I would have picked up on it right away. I think I saw a sum total of 5 minutes of the show over its life.

  5. forgingahead Says:

    Ouch indeed. Thanks for the warning.

  6. Eric Says:

    Desitin will clear that right up.

  7. VA Biker Says:

    He who celebrates the Essence of Poop is bound to eventually be disappointed in it, for not all poop (or its surrounding apparatus) is glorious.

    Sounds like a good subject for a meeting (of the church variety).

    100% agree with the comment on Desitin, or so I’ve heard…

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