Quality Time With the Family

July 9, 2009

Some of you may have noticed that I have a fixation with potties. I like my facilities to be clean. Not pristine, not gorgeous. Just clean.

While my family was out hiking, I felt Nature’s promptings. I jumped quickly out of the rain and into a porta potty to relieve myself. I hardly need to express my shock and horror at finding the outhouse in such disarray. Now I have a better idea of what Marlon Brando meant when he said, “Oh dear, the horror!”

For one thing, it smelled TERRIBLE. I don’t want to get too graphic, but try to imagine this: poop and pee, from several people, mixed together indiscriminately.

And then left to stew for DAYS.

And I am pretty sure that nobody had mopped the floor since the paleolithic era. Although I’m no archaeologist, so cut me a little slack on that. In any case, the floor was in such a state that I felt it prudent to not just drop my pants, but to remove them altogether.

Next, my confidence in the cleanliness of the business end of the facility was between low and none, for the following reason: there was piss all over the seat. Which makes me want to ask: who pisses on toilet seats? Is it a joke? Have I been punked? Or is there someone out there whose aim in pissing is as poor as my own at spitting?

And then it began to rain much harder. I cleaned up as quickly as I could, given the lack of proper sanitation facilities (i.e., my magical toilet), because the family had begun to congregate. I couldn’t blame them. This was the only place with a roof for miles.

“Here I sit all broken-hearted,” said Holden.

“Don’t read that!” shouted Kim. “Those people are sick!”

I can tell when Kim gets angry because she raises her voice and clenches her fists. These are the kinds of subtle clues you pick up on when you’ve been married for 18 years. It’s all fun and games until she directs her anger towards me. “Dug, I don’t care how hard it’s raining! We can’t stay in here! I think I’m going to be sick!”

“So leave,” I didn’t say. Instead, I explained that sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Even very good people, like my wife Kim.

“Is the converse also true, Father?” Maddie asked. I rolled my eyes.

And then I felt a resurgence. A need of a practical and immediate nature. As to its cause, I’ll simply say that all sushi is not created equal, and Sushi in Green River, UT is probably especially non-equal.

As I sat down, I felt that warm and wonderful outhouse feeling of having the air rush up from below. It’s no magical toilet, mind you, but it feels damn good. And then it felt like my innards exploded.

“Gross! Dad, that is sick! I’m going back outside!” the youngsters threatened in chorus.

“It’s perfectly natural,” I said over the din, trying not to whimper.

11 Responses to “Quality Time With the Family”

  1. mark Says:

    Sushi in Green River? Um, yeah.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Wait. What? You took the family into the outhouse with you!?

  3. fish Says:

    I’m happy that you’re back to familiar subject matter.

  4. bikemike Says:

    in 4 years of high school, i didn’t once, ONCE, use the restrooms at school, for this very reason.

  5. stevenbpt Says:

    Dude, you can even wax poetic talking about poop and diarhea!!! And, I too am confused. Your family was in the outhouse as you are doing your duty? I hope this was a big outhouse with a foyer or outer sink or something because I am getting the heebee jeebee’s here. I don’t care how hard it’s raining but NOBODY comes into outhouse WITH me unless they are under 5. Maybe the wife but I think she would rather be out in the rain than with me inside. Just sayin.

  6. mateo Says:

    Hey, they freely followed the man into the outhouse…i don’t live with the guy and just by reading this blog i know i would never (EVER!) follow dug into the sanctum sanctorium that is his throne. nature always wins, and sometimes with vociferous results! Sounds like a story that will be told time and again in the annuls of the dug brood.

  7. LT Says:

    Alright! – poo, butt, fart! Good to have the real Dug back.

  8. KanyonKris Says:

    Ah, back to the familiar milieu.

    I’m surprised the family stayed in when the 2nd wave came. Rain is just an impromptu shower.

    I have fond memories of the updraft from the pit toilet atop Murphy Hogback on a windy day. Amazing velocity. I had serious concerns of my waste being returned, with prejudice. Perhaps it was Nature’s warning not to mess with her rocks.

  9. Jeff Says:

    peeing on the seat = the eighth deadly sin.

  10. mary Says:

    tmi … TMI.

  11. Jen Says:

    I would rather get soaked in the rain then seek shelter in an outhouse, let alone an outhouse where you were letting nature take its course. At least the rain is clean and fresh!

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