don’t send me back there

July 22, 2009

Remember when Jerry is flying with Elaine, they’re at the ticket counter, and the ticket agent says “I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.”

And, the timeless conversation follows:

Jerry: I’ll take the first class.

Elaine: Jerry!

Jerry: What?

Elaine: Why should you get the first class?

Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?

Elaine: No.

Jerry: All right then. See? You won’t know what you’re missing. I’ve flown first class, Elaine– I can’t go back to coach. I can’t… I won’t…”

I flew to Columbus, Ohio with some co-workers Monday, but with a stop in Minneapolis. Our admin made the reservations, and somehow got us into first class for both outward bound legs. Pure luxury.

We had an inexplicable stopover in Atlanta on the way back to Salt Lake City last night, although the flight from Columbus to Atlanta is only about an hour, and I had a nice forward window seat. Not first class, but not bad.

But. But. But from Atlanta to Salt Lake City, a 3.5 hour flight when all goes well (it didn’t), I was in 37B. Not a bulkhead. Not an exit row. Just pure crap between two large strangers. Are the seats getting narrower or am I getting fatter?

But hey, at least we had individual seat-back screens and a plethora of movie options to choose from, right? I would watch Taken first and Gran Torino next, and before I knew it, I’d be home and in bed.

Except, the screens in our row only showed the options, but would not SELECT the options. I must have touched that touch screen a thousand times, like a lab rat pushing the cocaine button, before I gave up. My row companion went further.

“Excuse me Miss” he said the the nice flight attendant lady. “Our screens don’t work.”

“Oh, I’m sure they do. Just keep trying.” And she scampered off.

30 minutes later, my seat mate grabbed her arm. “Our movie screens DON’T work. Do something.”

“Oh, of course, I’ll just reset the screens on your row.”

She disappeared for another 30 minutes. But my partner was not to be denied. Yet.

Another arm grab. “Excuse me. You were going to fix our screens?”

“Oh, did they not scramble and reset? I’ll do it again.”

I never saw her again the rest of the flight. I hate flight attendants. You hear that, flight attendants? I hate you.

I need to get back to first class. They have cookies up there.

18 Responses to “don’t send me back there”

  1. Rick S Says:

    There is always SkyMall Magazine. That’s almost as good as a movie.

    • dug Says:

      rick i was saved by david sedaris. why has nobody told me about david sedaris before now?

      • VaLene Says:

        I surely thought you would’ve known him already. Not sure which book you had, but make sure you read the little tiny Christmas one at some point. Have you ever seen his sister Amy Sedaris on David Letterman? She’s hilarious.

        • dug Says:

          i know, right? kim bought me “barrel fever” a long time ago, but it sat on the shelf after i read “the santaland diaries” after hearing it on NPR (i agree, it’s awesome).

          she then bought me “naked” which also sat on the shelf until i slipped it fortuitously into my laptop bag, and found it by accident on this trip.

          yay me. yay david sedaris.

  2. Simon Says:

    Were you treated to warm towels and an assortment of soft drinks to choose from?

    I must say, I’m disappointed. No word about the toilet in this story? How did you fail to mention the 1st class bathroom? Is it because all airplane bathrooms are created equal?

  3. bikemike Says:

    BASTARDS!

  4. Jeff Says:

    JUST KEEP TRYING?? Is that what they teach them to say at flight attendant school?

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    I’m shocked and deeply moved by the hardships you endured. Denied your right to your personal in-flight movies? Our civilization is devolving into chaos. Next we’ll be flinging poo at each other.

  6. MOCougFan Says:

    “Look, I’ve had just about enough of you.”

  7. JB Says:

    The only thing better than first class is flying on a private plane, furnished with a bed, couch, leather chairs and a refrigerator stocked with all sorts of treats. I could get used to that!

  8. evilbanks Says:

    First Class? What’s that?

  9. tohellandback1st Says:

    i hate flying. flying sucks. first class changes all that. no lines, free drinks (um, you know, soda and ‘stuff’); spill your drink, and the poor schlop behind you suffers while the flight attendant (i love flight attendants when i’m in first class) gets you a new drink. ok, only one time i’ve been in first class; Jerry is right, you don’t want to go back to coach, so i just quit flying.

  10. Kt Says:

    We flew first class to and from Hawaii earlier this year.

    My favorite part? “Would you like another mimosa?”

    Why, yes. Yes, I would.

  11. Beth Says:

    LOL! It must have been Jet Blue! I love that airline…just for the TV’s–I overdose on Bravo. But on my last flight from SLC there were probs with some of the TV’s (not mine) but they kept re-setting the system to correct the prob and I was missing out on my Millionaire Matchmaker fix. So aggravating! Only been in first class once…and if I ever win Lotto….

  12. Bebe Says:

    Feeling your pain… Went to Europe in May and flew international business class–very cooshie… My last flight was economy, someone passed out in the aisle within the first 10 minutes so there was no way to get the drink and snack cart through. The flight attendants kept the lights on (even though it was a red-eye flight) apparently they needed to make sure the passed out passenger was getting enough attention… I feel her pain, suffering from decreased heart rate and low oxygen levels, but I still wish they could have turned off the lights from midnight til 2am! Does that make me sound mean???

  13. Philip Says:

    I always fly first class Southwest Airlines!


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