otter pop mania

July 28, 2009

July in Utah can be brutal, and since my business grunge clothing style inspired management to institute their first ever dress code, I can’t beat the heat anymore with shorts and flip flops. Harsh.

So with temperatures outside hovering around 100 degrees every day, I’ve gone back to my roots to cool off. No, not a hat with a fan and spritzer attached.

Otter Pops.

Check this out, it’s not even 10:30 this morning, and here’s the wreckage so far:

otter pop garbage

Don’t worry I’ve got more:

otter pop backup

Someone has to use the new freezer. Everybody else seems scared off.

otter pop freezer

Otter Pops are my new/old Cap’n Crunchberries–that is, I eat them so much that I’m suffering Otter Pop Repetitive Motion Injuries. I’ll list them here:

1. Roof of Mouth–when an Otter Pop is fresh from the freezer, it’s pretty, well, frozen. When you mush each bite around, the frozen crystals tear at the roof of your mouth. You may not notice this injury right away, since your mouth is frozen.

2. Torn Tongue–see number one.

3. Vampire Tears On Lips–this one is a bit more subtle, and only shows up in extreme cases (like me, right now). You tear off the top of the package, and clamp your teeth down on the plastic about an inch down, and push the calving iceberg up the sleeve and into your mouth. As you do this, and more particularly, as you pull the plastic sleeve OUT of your mouth, the sharp edges of the plastic sleeve rub against your lips, right where your fangs would bother your lips if you were, you know, a vampire. Eventually canker sores form there. Not that those stop you from enjoying more Otter Pops. Because nothing can do that.

I have developed a system for enjoying the Otter Pops. I grab about four from the freezer and set them down on my desk. Or, rather, I set THREE of them down on my desk  and immediately start into the first one. The first one is pretty frozen, and the way to eat a fully frozen Otter Pop is the same as enjoying a softer Otter Pop except, once you calve in the first couple of iceberg pieces, instead of just mushing it to the top of your mouth, you quickly crush the iceberg into tiny pieces with a rapid teeth motion (rapid so you don’t freeze the tops of your teeth–have you ever bitten ice cream with a normal bite on your bottom front teeth? ick.). Then you mush around and swallow.

With each subsequent bite, you put the open top of the sleeve in your mouth, clamp between your tongue and roof of mouth, and suck out any forming free juice. Then you push up the full glacier of Pop and bite off another iceberg. But now that the Pop is softer, you don’t crush it with your teeth, but instead you mush it between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. Swirl and swallow.

Once your current stash of softening Pops is depleted, you will spend the next 20 minutes wishing you had another pile sitting on your desk.

I’ve been chain smoking Otter Pops for a week now. I have sores in my mouth and I can’t taste other food properly. But I’m not stopping until this box of 200 is gone or the temps outside get back into the 80s.

otter pop me

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28 Responses to “otter pop mania”

  1. Nate V. Says:

    Are you orange?

  2. mark Says:

    I wish I had your metabolism.

  3. Brandon S. Says:

    Is your tongue permenantly stained of otter pop color now?

  4. Steve Says:

    You might want to consider a few extra rides if you want to keep your figure.

  5. bikemike Says:

    i would also suggest sticking a few frozen ones down your shirt and pants, whilst eating the first one. helping to cool your exterior and helping with the semi-thawing process.

    another thought might be to open about four or twenty of ’em and put them in a half-gallon plastic empty milk jug, wait for the mushiness to occur and tah-dah. you could do one of every flavor at one time thus re-creating the fourth of july fireworks explosion in your mouth.

  6. tonks Says:

    You are bemoaning a dress code, yet you’re wearing a T-shirt and jeans, exactly how harsh can it be? LOL

    • dug Says:

      did i not phrase it correctly? what part of going from shorts/t-shirt/flip flops to jeans/shoes/t-shirt did you not understand?

      • tonks Says:

        Well, when you put it like THAT! Harsh! NOT. Good thing you don’t have to wear a collared shirt and slacks, or even worse, a tie, or the worst, a suit. No, wait, pantyhose are the worst. Regardless you don’t have to wear any of those so I think you’ve got it pretty good, comparatively speaking.

  7. Steve Says:

    I’m with tonks, must be terrible to have to wear a t-shirt with jeans. Ouch. And just how hot does it get inside your air conditioned building and your double wide cubicle?

    • rookieroadracer Says:

      I’ve gotta side with these two… you call that a dress code? For the first few years I worked where I’m at now I dressed like an 18-21 year old punk, possibly because that’s exactly what I was. Torn metal t-shirts, B’ball shorts, etc. Then I was hinted to that I wasn’t going to make real money until I started wearing office clothes. I wore slacks, an undershirt, a dress shirt and dress shoes to work today. It was only mid 80’s, but with humidity around 80%. I’m not sure the better pay is worth it, come to think of it.

  8. chtrich Says:

    I love otter pops. Long ago I stocked my work freezer full as well. I also put in a cup with a sign selling them for .10 each to help pay for the addiction.

  9. KanyonKris Says:

    dug, you never cease to amaze me with the things you have analyzed (and often perfected) to minute detail.

  10. plateface Says:

    I want to be your friend

  11. Anonymous Says:

    At least you appear to have actual work on the computer screen.

  12. Rick S Says:

    those are like frozen battery acid. Do you ever inhale at the wrong time and spend the next 15 min coughing trying to get the acid out? Especially common w/ the green ones.

  13. Rick S Says:

    i’ve choked on green otter pops….same thing as battery acid.

  14. Jdub Says:

    You nailed it on the plastic edges causing “vampire tears” – used to get small cuts on the corners of my mouth when I was little from those things – painful, but a price worth paying.


  15. I too wish I had your metabolism…those look yummy. Although our cold and foggy sf summer days do not lend themselves to ice pops.

  16. Jonnie Says:

    Otter Pops suck. Its all about the creamies.

  17. VA Biker Says:

    The Random Reviewer lives still!

    Hey, looks like you’re kinda addicted to these things or at least a little OCD (must finish the box) to be able withstand personal injury and just keep going.

    Where’s the payoff?


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