the best, worst deal

July 29, 2009

When Maddy was about 5 years old, Kim looked out the back window to see Maddy and a neighbor boy on the swing set kissing. How cute is that? And, on the other hand, fairly, um, horrifying.

Kim wisely refrained from jumping out through the kitchen window, killing the boy with a Tonka truck, and packing Maddy off to a convent.

Instead, never guessing at the forces she was about to unleash, she found me, and we waited until Maddy came inside, and then she calmly started a conversation about love, drama, kissing, and innocence, and how maybe 5 years old was probably too early to start kissing.


Casting desperately about for any possible way to stem this tide of emotion, and hopefully nip pre-school romance in the bud, Kim made a deal with the devil. Or I did. I admit, we’re fuzzy on who actually came up with and MADE the deal. But once the deal was made, well, what are you gonna do?

“Okay Maddy, we’ll make you a deal. If you can make it until you are sixteen years old without kissing another boy, we will buy you a car for your sixteenth birthday.”

Because, you know, Maddy was 5, and A, would probably not even remember this conversation the next day, and B, surely she would kiss SOMEONE before she turned 16. Right? Since she’s not completely unattractive. Not that unattractive people don’t kiss. Anyway. The next Sunday Maddy announced the deal to the congregation during Open Mic day, and we were locked in.

Just shy of 11 years later, Kim took Maddy car shopping this afternoon. We’ve got exactly 33 days to get out of this or find a mystery witness.

If we get to the end of August, I’m going to start planting evidence.


30 Responses to “the best, worst deal”

  1. Eber Says:

    holy crap! Kai is turning 5 this month. You don’t have any other daughters his age I should worry about…do you?

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    16? If a car is on the line why not 18 or 20 or 25? I know, sometimes parenting is an act of desperation – been there.

    Better start shaking down the friends for evidence, or pay for false testimony.

    Hiring her dream guy will be cheaper than a car, just remember to do the string / scissors demonstration before the date.

  3. lt Says:

    Another reason open mic day should be limited to “sane” adults and not the crazy people and kids getting their parents into a pickle.

  4. KanyonKris Says:

    How about a 1969 Volkswagen Bug?

  5. Gary Says:

    Did you promise a car or an automobile? I think you may be able to escape on a technicality. A Hot Wheel is a car. The electric powered Barbie Jeep that my niece drives around the yard is a car. It doesn’t necessarily have to include an internal combustion engine, does it? Barring all that, is there a county fair you can sign her up to work the kissing booth?

  6. Rachel A Says:

    Get her a clunker and tell her she has to maintain it. Then add that if she doesn’t kiss before 18, she gets a serious upgrade. Don’t say how serious.

    At the very worst, she’ll either learn how to take care of a car or find a guy who can do it for her.

    • VA Biker Says:

      How about a clunker that doesn’t run. She’ll have get a job to pay for parts and service to get it running. That could take years before she can drive her own wheels, with the added benefit of keeping her busy with a job (two really, one that pays, and the other repairing the car).

  7. James Says:

    That is just brilliant.
    Duly noted.. I think I’ll push for 18 and make it a NEW car.. start a savings account specifically for it now.

  8. mark Says:

    problem solved. I think you owe me like $15,000.

  9. fish Says:

    Mark – well played.

  10. ricky Says:

    I’m sure Maddy is pleased that you are communicating to the whole wide world that she is almost 16 and has never been kissed, except one time when she was 5 but that doesn’t count. Nice. Sounds like you need to make another deal with the devil. Or maybe you need to find a 2nd job.

  11. bikemike Says:

    try making a “New Deal” with Otter Pops instead of a car, i hear they’re all the rage,now.

  12. gian Says:

    Are you not more terrified of her having the car and now being free to kiss at will? Or kiss will? Or bill? or… whatever. Nice one.

  13. MOCougFan Says:

    Good work…now she get’s a car and her no kissing deal has expired. 11 years of emotions/hormones about to bust loose. Have fun with that.

  14. Rick S Says:

    When is the big garage sale? Will you be selling your spin bike? I dibs it.

  15. dug Says:

    rick, i’ll trade you for your weight bench. i’m trying to make a deal with ian.

  16. Kel Says:

    Crud – I wish I would have considered this particular bribe. Could’ve saved us a ton of angst. Stupid boys.

  17. Blackdog Says:

    No matter what you decide make sure it is a very small car. Cars + teenage hormones = trouble. My parents bought me the smallest car ever. Nearly no back seat. A Smart car would be very smart. My son takes the drivers test in a week. I am afraid. Very afraid.

  18. KanyonKris Says:

    dug, how does it feel to be played by your own children? She announces the deal and her fulfillment of her end of it to the whole congregation so you’re nailed. I doubt you’re happy being backed into this corner.

    Yet you have to admire her skills in orchestrating this maneuver. Yep, your girl’s no dummy.

    So what’s winning out – wrath or admiration? Or passive-aggressive resignation?

  19. JB Says:

    Look at it this way … you would have bought her a car anyway and this just saved you several years of worrying about her kissing boys.

  20. What a story! That is freaking hysterical!

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