come one, come all (but not you)

July 31, 2009

It’s time for another edition of “How the Hell Do People End Up Here?”

We’ve got an entire nother set of search terms indicating that people out there in Internet land are in search of, well, seriously, what ARE they looking for?

And yet, they find me.

For example, one search term landing an intrepid surfer here is “lame dug.” Clearly my reputation precedes me. But that begs the question–if this guy/person was searching for LAME dug, has he/she/it at one time searched for COOL dug? I’m not much of a searcher myself, and I lack the motivation to try it out.

There are some themes that people are catching onto, however. And yet, the following astound me:

“almost fainting when about to poo.” Really? ABOUT to poo? Not during, which can initiate an actual medical condition, but ABOUT to poo? Bad luck, that.

“butt photo shortly after farting.” What really catches my attention in this one isn’t so much the horribly disgusting image that conjures. Rather it’s that the person who googled this used the word “shortly.” Not “right” after, not “soon” after, not “yo, ass shot after ripping.” No, it’s “shortly after.” How genteel.

Here’s one that doesn’t even seem like a search, so much as a statement: “toilets in france spray you in the butt.” Or maybe it’s a complaint. Or even an advertisement. What it isn’t is a question.

And to cap off this theme, which I suppose I have drawn attention to with a post here and there, we get this: “should you put toilet paper up your arse.” I don’t even have a joke here.

Someone, maybe Stephen King, has been watching me and has caught onto some deeply rooted anxieties I may or may not have. For example, when this surfer typed in “things that bees hate” did my name and picture appear in gigantic letters at the top of the page? Was I the only result on the list? This was followed up immediately, so I think it was the same searcher, with “how to torture bees.” Which is something I can totally get behind. However, the next one indicates the googler was really thinking of how to torture ME–why else google “hummingbird bee crossbreeding“?

Here’s a search I only got once, presumably because I didn’t deliver the goods: “gayness in lycra.” Or maybe I delivered too many goods. I dunno.

And who the hell searches for “people with big heads”? Someone will have to point out for me where I attracted that one.

Finally, two that I’m especially proud of. Because here at suncrestdug, we aim to follow Horace’s admonition TO THE LETTER. This blog isn’t just for kicks, no, here we strive to both delight AND instruct. Which is how someone searching for “how to get kids to stay in school” would land here, right?

Oh, and for the “anne frank jokes.”

12 Responses to “come one, come all (but not you)”

  1. mary Says:

    I have never searched “hummingbird bee crossbreeding,” but I can understand why someone would. Maybe your three posts on killer bees lead them to your sight. We have some very strange looking insects(?) I’ve seen across town and just recently in my yard. They are about three inches long and look like giant bees. But, now that you mention it, a better description would be a cross between a hummingbird and a bee. Can you look into that for us? Thanks.

  2. SkiMoab Says:

    These are awesome!
    One of my top terms is “skimoab.net”, which makes me feel good.
    Another popular one is “carborocket” which should make brad feel good.
    My most random to date is “halo scenery map”. No clue how that refers to my site at all.
    I think I need to write about some more random stuff.

  3. Rick S Says:

    welcome to the freak show. People are weird. I don’t like people….never have. “almost fainting when about to poo” makes perfect sense. I can understand that but the other terms are just creepy.

    • Rachel W Says:

      yes, I hate people too. What a bunch of weirdos. Not you Dug, of course not you. You’re not weird at all.

  4. KanyonKris Says:

    The internet is the new wild west. Excellent search terms.

    I don’t get too many weird search terms. I was surprised that the #1 search topic for my blog was “hersheys chocolate milk mix” – I’m still getting comments on that post. mormon lingerie, first criterium, caulk bead tool, men leg shaving – all pretty obvious.

    Not obvious: episode she gets stuck headfirst, hellokitty cyclist, treasure maps southern utah.

  5. BotchedExpeiment Says:

    I found you from a “naked moist midgets” search.

  6. MOCougFan Says:

    Surely you must have had some searches about Plaid and parachute in there.

  7. rookieroadracer Says:

    Dug,

    Not only will “lame dug” bring you here on a google search, but it’s a straight shot if you type it into the google box and hit “I’m feeling lucky”. You should be proud. Maybe.

  8. fish Says:

    hummingbird bee cross breeding – brilliant.


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