come one, come all (but not you)
July 31, 2009
It’s time for another edition of “How the Hell Do People End Up Here?”
We’ve got an entire nother set of search terms indicating that people out there in Internet land are in search of, well, seriously, what ARE they looking for?
And yet, they find me.
For example, one search term landing an intrepid surfer here is “lame dug.” Clearly my reputation precedes me. But that begs the question–if this guy/person was searching for LAME dug, has he/she/it at one time searched for COOL dug? I’m not much of a searcher myself, and I lack the motivation to try it out.
There are some themes that people are catching onto, however. And yet, the following astound me:
“almost fainting when about to poo.” Really? ABOUT to poo? Not during, which can initiate an actual medical condition, but ABOUT to poo? Bad luck, that.
“butt photo shortly after farting.” What really catches my attention in this one isn’t so much the horribly disgusting image that conjures. Rather it’s that the person who googled this used the word “shortly.” Not “right” after, not “soon” after, not “yo, ass shot after ripping.” No, it’s “shortly after.” How genteel.
Here’s one that doesn’t even seem like a search, so much as a statement: “toilets in france spray you in the butt.” Or maybe it’s a complaint. Or even an advertisement. What it isn’t is a question.
And to cap off this theme, which I suppose I have drawn attention to with a post here and there, we get this: “should you put toilet paper up your arse.” I don’t even have a joke here.
Someone, maybe Stephen King, has been watching me and has caught onto some deeply rooted anxieties I may or may not have. For example, when this surfer typed in “things that bees hate” did my name and picture appear in gigantic letters at the top of the page? Was I the only result on the list? This was followed up immediately, so I think it was the same searcher, with “how to torture bees.” Which is something I can totally get behind. However, the next one indicates the googler was really thinking of how to torture ME–why else google “hummingbird bee crossbreeding“?
Here’s a search I only got once, presumably because I didn’t deliver the goods: “gayness in lycra.” Or maybe I delivered too many goods. I dunno.
And who the hell searches for “people with big heads”? Someone will have to point out for me where I attracted that one.
Finally, two that I’m especially proud of. Because here at suncrestdug, we aim to follow Horace’s admonition TO THE LETTER. This blog isn’t just for kicks, no, here we strive to both delight AND instruct. Which is how someone searching for “how to get kids to stay in school” would land here, right?
Oh, and for the “anne frank jokes.”