no loud noises

September 15, 2009

I would like to ask if, in the history of HOAs (Home Owner Associations), has there ever been one that didn’t suck so bad you wanted to blow them up?

I love where I live. I’ve been clear on this. Even though the developer of the entire, well, development, was a shady huckster who eventually went bankrupt leaving the place only half done. I mean, we have no monopoly on shady developers, right?

Anyway, that’s not my point. My point is, the HOA sent me a letter about “DEBRIS IN MY SIDE YARD.” The caps are theirs.

This is the same HOA that works out of a trailer surrounded by weeds and crap.

Apparently my side yard has become a nuisance. Of course, I live in the mountains, and if you cross my property line behind my house, there is what we in the mountains like to call “open space.” Which means, nobody maintains it. I’ve been prohibited by the city of Draper to maintain this open space, so it’s nothing but a steep hill covered with weeds. Which I’m okay with, actually.

But if you step over to my side yard, on which I plan on putting a pump track, but because I’m a lazy ass homeowner, I haven’t actually put the pump track in yet, so there are some weeds over there. Okay, a LOT of weeds. But not more weeds than if you walked a few steps North, to the hallowed OPEN SPACE, where you could get lost in the weeds I’m prohibited from mowing.

The weirdest thing? Here is the text from the letter:

DEBRIS IN SIDE YARD–Nuisances: 4.2.6 No weeds, dead trees or plants, rubbish or debris of any kind shall be placed or permitted to accumulate upon yada yada yada . . . and no odors or loud noises shall be permitted to arise or emit therefrom . . . yada yada yada.

WTF? No odors or LOUD NOISES.

Um. What? No loud noises are permitted to emit from my weeds? I can’t get Steve Caroll from Anchorman in there yelling “Very Loud Noises”?

What the hell kind of incident resulted in this rule?

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20 Responses to “no loud noises”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    I’m pretty sure this is what they don’t want in your side yard:

    You should mow the weeds and erect (hehe) a 20 foot tall, anatomically correct, phallic obelisque in the side yard. Then see how they feel about weeds.

    • mark Says:

      Actually, Kris, further down in the covenants it states “all homes shall have not less than three phallic obelisks of no less than 15 feet in height in the front or side of the house, such that they are visible from the street.”

      You should see my totem pole.

      • KanyonKris Says:

        “You should see my totem pole.” Whoa there! Taken out of context that don’t sound so good. If you had any aspirations for public office, they just went down the drain.

        Then perhaps dug needs to go to the other gender. I hear Sam has some “slightly used” anatomical models dug could display in the side yard.

        • mark Says:

          You haven’t seen Sam’s yard have you. Let’s just say one would assume he’s a feminist and rebelling against the phallic obelisk covenant.

  2. Jeff Says:

    Maybe they were concerned you’d put in a singing bush, which would inevitably lead to the demise of the invisible swordsman?

  3. Bandit Says:

    Maybe by load noises they mean the use of all caps in any signs. If you build your pump track, you can have a sign that says “Dug’s Pump Track” but not “DUG’S PUMP TRACK” because that would be like yelling. Especially after 11pm.

  4. bikemike Says:

    “No odors or loud noises”…i guess “All You Can Eat, Bean Burrito Fridays”, are out?

  5. evilbanks Says:

    Down with the HOA. I don’t even know what the hell they are getting paid for???? to pass out notices??? That’s a $15,000 / year job. Did i tell you about the notice I got regarding the stain on the BACK SIDE of my fence? Judas Livin’ Priest.

  6. Phil Says:

    I love lamp.

  7. Miles Archer Says:

    Boy do I hate HOA. I sold my house and moved partially because of the officious asses that ran the HOA.

    I think you should burn the debris in your side yard.

  8. Grant Says:

    Some pump track inspiration for those of you with a smaller back yard:
    http://the-riotact.com/?p=13505
    (this was just recently during the World Championships in Canberra)

  9. Carl Says:

    The real question is… have you submitted in triplicate the correct forms to build said “pump track” and has the architectural review board given their official okee dokee for said “pump track”?!?

  10. Rick S. Says:

    you need a fire pit and once a month, let the fire take care of the weeds.


  11. So classic! We are an HOA of two units and we finally stopped collecting dues because all we’d do is argue over what to spend the money on. Instead we just split the shared bills (water/garbage) and hope the house holds together.

  12. Olivia Says:

    Seriously. I got the same ticket last year for a tiny piece of land I didn’t even know was mine. Couldn’t really see it for all the lanky weeds in the OA’s “open weed space.” The dichotomy would be hilarious if it weren’t so annoying. I think they have some kind of power complex going on. I want to draw up my own little ticket for excessive time wasting and control freak tendencies. Some people just like to believe they are IN CHARGE of something.

  13. evilreview Says:

    Hey, I’ll build you a teeter for it.

  14. stevenbpt Says:

    I like the fire pit idea! BIG fire pit.


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