can’t open this

September 17, 2009

I’m not really what you’d call dextrous. Or particularly coordinated. I often cut corners too sharply in hallways, and bump into doorjambs.

I tried to follow the instructions in an origami book once, and instead of a swan, I ended up with a sort of wrinkled death star.

But. But I’m not so spastic that I can’t open stuff. I can open stuff.

Except, I can’t open this:


For  you pharmaceutically challenged individuals, this is Zirtec D. Just a little allergy/hayfever pick-me-up. But unfortunately, they’ve packaged the pill like it’s plutonium and they’re afraid the terrorists are going to get it.

Two questions: first, why two “blisters” for only one pill? I feel ripped off every time I try to open one. Who took the other pill? The pharmacist? My neighbor? Where is it? Is it a missing twin chimera?

Second, that curved dotted line you see? It doesn’t do shit. You pull on that “tab” and all you get is a mangled package, like the one I’m holding in the picture. And maybe some cuts on your lips and fingers. And don’t go thinking you can just push the pill through the package like the friendlier Clariton D package–No, all I got when I tried that was five jagged little pills and some powder. But still INSIDE the package.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re shaking your head, thinking to yourself “why doesn’t that retard just get himself some scissors?”

I’ll tell you why–because I’m UPSTAIRS and the scissors are DOWNSTAIRS einstein. What, you think I didn’t think of scissors?

What I need is sharper teeth. And maybe some plastic explosives.


26 Responses to “can’t open this”

  1. bikemike Says:

    yep, there be a couple of packs of Gu Chomps on the side of the road that i couldn’t open whilst riding and i, too, forgetted my portable blow torch.

  2. You beat me to it. I was just thinking “why doesn’t that retard just get himself some scissors?”

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    Insidious. I carry a laser for just such packaging.

  4. Eric Says:

    Cuts on your fingers and lips? Wow, you did put up a fight.

  5. rabidrunner Says:

    Holy crap you are funny. You know, Costco carries a Kirkland brand allergy relief drug now. Referred to me by the doctor of allergies (aka the Allergist MD). AND BONUS! It’s a lot cheaper. My guess is the packaging makes it cheaper. You open the bottle. You punch out the aluminum keep’n-it-safe seal. You peer inside. And all the little pills are just in there, ready for you to take.

    Please do not think I’m trying to tell you what to do. I’m just providing a public service.

  6. stevenbpt Says:

    You forgot to file this under SPAZ!

  7. Rick S. Says:

    Nice fingernails.

  8. Geoff Says:

    I wonder, if you started at the beginning, which would take more time:

    – going downstairs to get scissors

    – trying to bite/scratch/claw your way through the packaging (plus taking a photo of the packaging, uploading it to your blog, and writing an article about your frustrations)

    Inquiring minds…

    • dug Says:

      wait, you can’t count the picture taking, uploading, writing in the time. that’s different. that’s separate. what, are you going to count that time onto EVERYTHING i write about?

      cmon man, apples and apples. going downstairs vs trying to bite/scratch/claw my way through the packaging. THAT’S the comparison. and yes, it probably would have been about the same.

      but i’m going with rabidrunner–heading to costco today to get me some of those easy access pills.

  9. Rachel Says:

    I think it’s packaged that way so it’s difficult to get into if you’re using it for illegal purposes. Was it sold behind the counter? Then you just need to be smarter/stronger than a meth lab tech.

  10. Jared Says:

    Don’t you mean Zyrtec and Claritin? I am beridden with confusion. Oh, I get it, you are trying to avoid the Viagra ads/comments. . . .

  11. dan Says:

    Im sure the Zirtec D dosent have anything to do with the “debris” in you side yard. Right?

  12. Phil Says:

    Sharper teeth had me cracking up.
    As for that tab, you have to pull it the right way, tear it over the foil and it’s wonderful, tear towards/over the plastic and you’re royally screwed.

  13. JB Says:

    Yes dug, nice nails. They look like they come from someone who doesn’t do much manual labor, which probably explains the hard time opening your pill and your side yard for that matter.

  14. eric Says:

    Don’t do it Dug. If you change to the easy to open packages the terrorists win. And puppies will lose their fur. And kitties will go without milk.
    Stay the course man. You can do it.

  15. Megan Says:

    Ooh! I know, I know! What you really need to do is go to the store and buy a pair of scissors for the upstairs!! I myself have a pair in both my kitchen and on my desk in my bedroom (its only a 2 room apartment…). That way I don’t have to travel too far. Then again… If I’m on my bed and the scissors are on the desk I have a whole new problem.

    ps- I’m an Olympic gold medalist in Lazy.

    • tohellandback1st Says:

      I have scissors in the kitchen, on the desk in the bedroom, in the closet in the bedroom, and a little pair of those dull ones for coupon cutting, um, in the bathroom…

      I do still have your being on the bed problem. The desk is close enough for me to sit here and type this with my wireless keyboard, but the scissors are on the far side of the desk with the pencils, and the closet/bathroom are on the other side of the room.

  16. paul Says:

    I’ll bet the camera was downstairs right next to the scissors.

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