ole

September 22, 2009

Even though not being able to open packages designed to foil Navy Seals is not evidence of being a spaz, I am, indeed, a spaz. We’ve established this.

But, just because evolution is accepted by 99% of the scientific community does not mean that scientists just stop adding evidence to the pile. Mound. Endless conglomeration.

No, they keep finding stuff.

Me too.

Like the other night. The other night around 1:30, I woke up and wandered, incident free, into the bathroom, did my business, and returned to bed and peaceful sleep.

All that is true except everything after the word “wandered.”

Here is the view from my bedroom into my bathroom:

knee door mod

Forget my artistic rendering for a second. Now imagine all the lights turned off, and me wandering in the general direction of the opening, but not wandering in a straight line. Maybe leaning slightly to the left. For whatever reason.

Now imagine me slamming my left knee into the edge of that door, leaving a splotch of blood on the wood, blood pouring down my leg, the door popping off it’s hinge and swinging open, and me collapsing to the floor with a blood curdling, well, not a scream, but more of a blood curdling grunt and moan.

Couple days later, the damage is still visible:

knee mod

You know where else the damage is still visible? The sheets. That’s what Kim gets for sleeping through the whole incident.

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25 Responses to “ole”

  1. mark Says:

    I used to be able to sleep through a piano falling from two stories. Now, when the alarm on my phone goes off, on vibrate mode, downstairs, with my upstairs bedroom door closed, it will still wake me up. True story. Because I had to turn it off Sunday morning under just such circumstances.

    I’m pretty sure you woke me up from the mile or so away that your house is from mine, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    Get a bedpan. Or a bottle (clearly marked for the intended purpose, as Elden has taught us).

  3. Annie Says:

    I’m a spaz, too, and routinely walk into furniture, architectural elements (like the newel post of our stairway), the unmitered edges/corners of our granite countertop, etc. … in broad daylight. However, I’m really impressed by the scope of your injury! I usually just get bruises.

  4. Big Boned Says:

    She slept through it? I thought you had better lungs than that…

  5. Liz Says:

    You need a big puffy protective suite and helmet.


  6. By the size of those wounds you must have been sprinting to the bathroom.

  7. Jenny-Jenny Says:

    Even at a sprint, a padded suite would have protected you from such wounds

    • dug Says:

      okay, yes, i get it, a padded suit is the answer to all my troubles.

      but for crying out loud. do you guys know how much those things cost?

  8. anon Says:

    Did you wear shorts to church?

  9. stevenbpt Says:

    Do you know how much new sheets are? No, the idea here is that you get a padded SUITE! They make the padded corners for 1-2 year olds but they should work just fine for the spazmeister.

    You must have slept through it enough not to at least have band-aided yourself! Kim would have helped if you would have grunted louder. After she stopped laughing!

  10. Robin Says:

    How long does it take for a dude such as yourself to shave those shapely legs? Heck, that South African runner has less leg hair than that.

  11. brkeyes7 Says:

    Do you shave your legs? Those legs look shaved to me. Really?

  12. Big Boned Says:

    Church? What kinda church allows people to show up naked?

  13. KP Says:

    A friend of mine got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. He was in a hurry and hit the doorway so hard he knocked himself out. Wife woke him up by tripping over him the next morning. True story.

  14. Phil Says:

    Very manly. VERY manly.

    • tohellandback1st Says:

      the need men have to appear manly has been a bane to life on this planet since the beginning of time.

      in an unrelated aside, the few women that have attempted to appear manly, because that’s what bosses do, have caused untold amounts of grief in the workplace.

      and since i’m on a Sunday morning rant, let me add, the ‘female’ guess why i’m mad boss is even worse.

  15. Shelle Says:

    Do you still have the bruise? I want to press it.


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