the world is upside down

September 30, 2009

I’m going to have to talk about bodily functions for a minute. Nothing crazy, nothing you wouldn’t see in the Nutty Professor or Flubber any other “family friendly” movie of the last ten years. But an incident during the drive home from Brad’s Gooseberry 100 set me off.

Ready? Okay! (The exclamation point is because typing “ready? okay.” reminded me of high school sporting events where the cheerleaders would yell that. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.)

So we’re driving home from Gooseberry, and we take a break from talking movies and such to stop in some small town for gas and a potty break. I wander into the gas station restroom, and take my place at the open urinal. There are two urinals and one is occupied by some old man.

In the middle of my business, I inadvertently release some of the gas created by the pepper Brad tricked me into eating back in Cedar City. The gas makes a noise.

And the old man at the next urinal makes a show of turning his head and giving me a disgusted look. As in “Seriously? You’re just going to FART in here?”

Here’s the kicker–I actually felt BAD for a second.

Why? WHY would I feel bad for inadvertently letting out a little gas while peeing at a urinal in a public restroom at a truck stop in freeway-town America? What is wrong with me? And what is wrong with that guy? (Apart from the fact that he actually LOOKED at me–everybody knows you NEVER look at someone in a public restroom!)

You know what’s weird(er)? If I had stepped 3 feet to the right and entered the actual stall and peed in there? No worries–Rip away! Or if I had actually sat down in that stall? I could have flatulated out my entire colon and nobody would have batted an eye. (Well, maybe their eyeballs would have melted, but still, nobody would have batted an eye.)

But because I’m STANDING at a urinal, suddenly I’m supposed to walk the high wire, I’m supposed to pee out 44 ounces of Diet Coke while simultaneously clenching my sphincter to avoid an awkward moment with the guy peeing next to me in a truck stop bathroom?

To quote Glen Beck (now THERE’S something you should have placed a bet on at 1,000,000 to 1 odds against ever happening on this blog): “The world is upside DOWN!”

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25 Responses to “the world is upside down”

  1. bikemike Says:

    oh, i see what you did there…you tied “clinch my sphincter” and glen beck in your story…works for me.

  2. Doug Says:

    I have no idea where but I have seen a bathroom etiquette rule that states if there are 3 urinals never pick the middle one unless the outside two are occupied and never break wind at a urinal. I also think there was something about picking your nose too but I digress.

  3. mark Says:

    He was looking at you because he wanted to do a Sympathy Fart and couldn’t muster one.

  4. Big Boned Says:

    Seriously,
    You couldn’t wait until you got back in the car?
    You sure have a sick concept of “paying it forward”!That old man didn’t make you eat that pepper, Brad did.

  5. Rick S. Says:

    Dug- you do have a special scent. Which is expected for someone who only has a “sit” twice a week. Just saying….

    • dug Says:

      dude. we’ve been over and over this. regular weekdays, 10am. holidays and weekends, well, not at all.

      don’t make me come over there.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    I’m on board. You go to a bathroom to relieve yourself. Any rules regarding what can be relieved where in the room are arbitrary and illogical.

    • tohellandback1st Says:

      i’m on board with the spirit of your post; i’m certainly not much of a rules kind of guy, but the different shaped porcelain is there for a reason. there are some things that should only be left where the ‘rules’ say they belong.

      • KanyonKris Says:

        Correct. I was too generally. I meant gas excretions. The liquids and solids have a specific place.

        In the Men’s room, if we can’t enjoy a good fart among our brethren in the bathroom, well, I think we’ve lost something.


  7. To quote Field of Dreams “Are there rules here, there are no rules here”. That must apply here. A Glen Beck quote? Was that really necessary? I thought this was a Glen Beck free zone.

  8. mary Says:

    I wonder about your fixation on all things related to the bathroom, but now I see that you are unfortunately normal, and maybe it is I who is somehow strange. An astronaut talked to some school kids yesterday, and the most popular questions was — how do you go to the bathroom in space? Here’s a linke (because I know you are wondering too, Dug) http://www.jconline.com/article/20090930/NEWS0501/909300347

  9. Geoff Says:

    I love it. How slowly did he turn his head? Was it a quick, snap-the-head maneuver? Or was it slowed down for dramatic effect?

    This reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes. I’ll set the scene. It is simple, and brief…

    College dorm men’s room. Me, dropping a deuce in one of the stalls.

    Young man walks in to the men’s room, pauses, and exclaims loudly, “IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE!”

    To me, that is funny for so many reasons…

  10. RyanT Says:

    I complimented a complete stranger today for his release as he stood next to me with the courtesy urinal between us. Fire away Dug. I probably would have given you a high five (after washing my hands of course)

  11. Eufemiano Fuentes Says:

    I think the most disturbing thing about this story is that with 2 urinals side by side and a free stall, you didn’t chose the stall.

  12. Flyin' Ute Says:

    You should’ve pee’d on his shoes!

  13. Adventure Nell Says:

    Oh my gosh, how very much like a canadian you are to feel bad about farting in the bathroom. We are so polite up here in Canada that we would apologize about farting, even in a stall!!!!

  14. Bob B. Says:

    He’s wrong, you’re right. The rule is that you can fart anywhere in a bathroom, even at the sink — as long as it’s not directed at someone.

  15. Longman Says:

    The only rule when taking a wazz is ‘eyes forward!’ that’s why there are sometimes ads on the wall! The old guy broke that rule and deserved to pay. You should have grabbed hold of that guff and delivered it to his face! I think it’s called a ‘butt-er-cup’ in the States.

  16. Daughter #3 Says:

    you are a super weird uncle, that’s for sure!! ๐Ÿ˜€ but hey I personally think it is kind of funny. sort of. ๐Ÿ˜€ I like weird uncles, and hey I have 5-6 of them. All my dad’s brothers and one of my mom’s brothers. They are awesome, as are you. You too mike!! and every other uncle of mine out there!!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

    • stevenbpt Says:

      I’ll talk to her about the smiley face thing. I know you don’t like em on yer blog. But hey, if you are going to start quoting Glen Beck, things must be different all around.

  17. eric Says:

    I was transporting a drunk to the jail yesterday. He passed out in my car and….yeah, ‘let loose’ in his pants. Not wind. No, no, no. It was the real deal and ‘loose’ is the operative word here. It was everywhere. I had to stop and get out. It took a massive effort to get back into that car (Mostly thinking about how quickly I’d get fired if I just released him right there). I drove to the jail with my head out the window, bald blowing in the breeze.
    I’m never getting that smell out of my car.
    That old man was lucky.

  18. Doug Says:

    Tazer is way too nice.

  19. Bandit Says:

    I agree bathrooms are for farting, but my office backs up to the bathroom and could we have rule that you don’t fart like your trying to make the olympics of farting?


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