no truck balls

October 5, 2009

Two hot chocolate stand incidents from the weekend got me a little excited. And I mean “excited” in the “it’s on my mind” sense. I’d hate for you to think that I’m all excited. I’m not normally excitable.

But I came out of my local Beans n Brews the other morning only to encounter this:


Really? So the guy in the car parked next to me thought the best way to clear out the old contents of his mug was to dump it next to my door. Where, to avoid stepping in it I would have to be a member of the Cirque du Solei?

Here’s my barometer for this kind of action: If someone were watching you, and you knew they were watching you, would you still do it? Like, if I was standing by the front of my car, and this guy opened his door and saw me standing there, would he still have dumped his old hot chocolate right next to my car door?

Well, maybe. If he were the same guy I saw at a drive up on Saturday.

Check it out:

truck pic angle

Okay, if you’re going to drive a giant truck like that, you should either be a Draper Mom or be sort of tough, right? Just for starters.

But, beyond starters, if you’re going to have that hanging from the back of your truck, how absolutely tough do you have to be?

Let’s look closer:

truck pic angle cropped

Now granted, the driver of this truck did look a lot like Sam Elliot. Which is pretty tough.

But this was a Starbucks drive up. Would Sam Elliot ever be caught dead at a Starbucks? Isn’t Starbucks where the yuppies (yup, I was in line) hang out? I’m pretty sure Sam Elliot would never have those hanging from his truck, because, let’s be clear, he’s Sam Elliot dammit! But Sam Elliot probably gets his hot chocolate at the same cafe Dirty Harry got his hot chocolate. Not Starbucks. And no truck balls.


23 Responses to “no truck balls”

  1. eric Says:

    I’m sorry Dug but when I read “excited” the thought that immediately popped into my head was “Excitable Boy” by Warren Zevon. I’m really, really sorry. My head is still cloudy from the drunk incident the other day.
    I will now go do penance.

  2. lifein360° Says:

    Even worse. Pulling up beside a car (while on my bike) and have someone roll down the window to flick a cigarette. Only to say “sorry” (half-heartedly) after I went crazy.

  3. Aaron Smith Says:

    I’m putting a set of those on my 2001 Chevy Prizm. They’d probably drag on the ground, which just makes them even more kickass.

  4. Brandon S. Says:

    Maybe Sam could help out with some sets of different things that you could switch out on those trucks.

  5. bikemike Says:

    you used “excited” and “truck balls” in the same story and no sexual innuendo…cool.

  6. stevenbpt Says:

    So, two questions. Why Draper Mom’s? And, what is so unusual about those? We moved from Missouri and more trucks had them than didn’t. The truckers without felt a little naked I think.

  7. Eufemiano Fuentes Says:

    I thought it was truck nutz

  8. Nate Kingdon Says:

    They do hang low. Compensation for the lack of hanging in other areas.

  9. mark Says:

    I’ve always suspected that there’s an inverse relationship between the size of one’s truck and the size of one’s junk. But I’m nearly certain, at least as certain as one can be without first-hand evidence, that there’s an inverse relationship between the size of the nuts hanging from one’s truck and size of one’s own nuts.

    As for Sam Elliott, well I don’t think he drank hot chocolate. Coffee, black, maybe with a shot of whiskey in it. But not hot chocolate.

  10. Rose Says:

    Eh, he’s not tough. Probably got them from his kids for Father’s Day and felt obligated to ‘hang’ them from his truck.

  11. mtb w Says:

    If the driver is a Draper mom, she’s got to be pretty bada@@. Don’t take her hot coco!

  12. Grizzly Adam Says:

    I was thinking the same thing Mark, about Sam Elliot and hot chocolate. Really, I thought only wives sitting bored at football games drank hot chocolate?

  13. Sophia Says:

    Wow, it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out what you were talking about. I have never seen those before, and I kept thinking that it looked like a bicycle seat was attached to the bottom of the truck (I wonder if I just failed a very important kind of Rorschach Test). And now that I’ve been educated, my first impression is that those poor truck nuts owners are yelling out to all their fellow drivers how much they need to compensate.

  14. Paul Says:


    bicycle seat – me too ! Like WWII aces had Messerschmitt silhouttes on the sides of their planes ?

  15. Eric Says:

    The size of the truck doesn’t ‘always’ correspond to the size of your junk. Sometimes you just need the big trucks to get things done.
    First time I saw one of things things hanging from the back, and it was either in Missouri or Oklahoma, I cracked up and thought, what a dork. I can’t even remember what the driver looked like. Who thought of this? And then for other’s to follow it.
    I’m calling Walmart now to see if they have any. ‘Yes, I need some balls to hang from my truck, what size do you have in stock? And what color are the baseball sized ones? Great! How much? Ok, I’ll be right over.’ I’d feel less quesy buying a dirty magazine.

  16. dug Says:

    i realize that i maybe derailed the conversation by ending with a picture of giant truck nuts, but really, nobody is concerned that some jackass dumped his hot chocolate next to my car door?

    • stevenbpt Says:

      Let’s see, talk about hot chocolate on the ground by a hot chocolate vendor…or talk about Truck nuts/balls. It was a tough one but most seemed to not see past the more funny of the two. Besides, you did end with that thought.

      • bikemike Says:

        yeah, like you know what color scarlett johanssons eyes are.

        • stevenbpt Says:

          Duh! Everyone knows they’re green. But what does that have to do with the kind of hot chocolate that was wasted on the pavement by Dug’s car, making him act like an acrobat to get in to his own car? Which, given his level of spazziness, would have been fun to watch. Watch out Dug, the next cup might be mine!

          • bikemike Says:

            sorry steven, that was meant for dug. now, if he’d said chocolate balls then maybe we would’ve been more sympathetic. he said truck balls so, that train had no chance of getting out of the station before it was run off the tracks…again, my bad.

  17. Flyin' Ute Says:

    Yeah, “chocolate milk” I’m with ya. Everyone goes to startbucks to get “chocolate milk”.

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