i blame my mother

December 1, 2009

Do you like apples? How do you like them apples?

See, the truth is, I DON’T like apples.

Oh, I WANT to like apples. How awesome would it be if I loved apples? My weight problems would be over. I just failed in my attempt to crack the deuce barrier, and so I figure I’ll try to get back down into the manageable, even ideal weight zone.

So I’m sitting here staring at the apple I brought for lunch. And I’m not excited.

Here’s my beef with apples:

1. Biting into them gives me the willies. I don’t mean I’m scared, I mean I get a shiver when I bite an apple. I don’t know why. This does not happen with other fruit. Or other food, even. Not even squid.

2.  When I bite into a firm apple (really, the only kind you want to eat), the skin pushes past my teeth and gouges my gums. Admittedly, I am old, and my gums ain’t what they used to be. But still, I would expect the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil to treat me better than this.

3. The skin of an apple is ready-made for wedging in between teeth. Tightly. Not the kind of wedging that casual picking will remove–you need floss. Or, in my case here at work, a straightened paper clip. Which presents its own problems.

Apples give a satisfying crunch when you bite them (good apples do–bad apples slither, they don’t crunch. Slithering is almost never good.) Apples are good for you. Apples are pretty cheap. And very portable.

What’s the key here? Volume? Do I just eat apples until I love them, or will that drive me farther into my apple antipathy? It’s a dilemma, a word which here means hunger.

And while we’re here, I feel similarly about carrots. I blame my mother.

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31 Responses to “i blame my mother”

  1. mark Says:

    I have a love/hate relationship with apples. I love good apples. But if they are at all squishy or mealy, there are very few things I would less rather eat.

    I would just keep eating apples until you either detest them or come to love them. Maybe they’re like cigarettes or beer. Nobody likes cigarettes or beer the first time they try them, but it eventually gets to the point where there’s nothing they’d rather have.

  2. Flyin' Ute Says:

    Dug,

    Let me be the first to reccomend the best apple I have found so far, it is the Honey Crisp.

    The Jonah Gold is pretty good and Pink Ladies are alright as well but they don’t hold a candle to Honey Crisps.

    All the Fuji, Delicious, Gala, Jonathan, and the list goes on taste like mush compared to these.

    Oh by the way, they are not cheap. $2.99 per lb. They average about $1.80 per apple, but well worth it.
    You can tell I like Apples….and Diet Coke! Oh, sorry about that last one. I don’t like diet coke because it’s bad for you.

    I’m sure someone will harrass me for calling Gala apples mushy. I’ve never been hassled as much as on your site. Except apparently Max Hall hates me too.

    Geez.

    • dug Says:

      lewis, where do i find these magic apples? WHERE?

      max hall hates you AND your family. and your dog.

      • Doug Says:

        All Ute fans have unlimited supplies of beer to throw. It is one of those things that cannot be explained. I am with you. I can choke down apples but that is about all and I have tried every variety. They are just not good but good for you.

      • Kirst Says:

        Where else would you find amazing produce? Harmons! I saw some there yesterday. But the Jazz apple is even better than the Honey Crisp, and they are “only” about a buck an apple….

    • KanyonKris Says:

      I can get 2 Snickers bars for $1.80. This fact does not help me eat more fruit.

      • VA Biker Says:

        I agree with Flyin’ Ute, Honeycrisps are a great apple. They’ve been my favorite for a couple of years.

        Where to buy? I can buy them from my local apple orchards/farmers markets (for $18/bu.). I have not seen them in grocery stores, but haven’t really looked either.

        I’m not ashamed to state that I cut my apples when I eat them, to avoid that teeth and gum bit you described.

        It is interesting that “Honeycrisp” is a market name owned by the University of Minnesota, as they developed the apple as a hybrid 35 years ago. (Why do I store this kind of info. in my brain, when I can’t find where I left my keys or cycling shoes?)

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    dug, perhaps an apple slicer is the trick. An apple sliced into wedges addresses most of your complaints, right?

    $10.50 at Target

    • Jot Says:

      Yes to the apple slicer.

      I dislike apples for most of the same reasons. Especially the “why shouldn’t eating something hurt my mouth.”

      Apple slicer is perfect and allows you to consume the skin in a way that does not allow it to try to weasel in between your teeth.

      -Jot

  4. mtb w Says:

    Yeah, go with the apple slicer. Then add cinnamon, honey or dip in peanut butter. That’ll make you like apples, despite any consistency issues (provided the apple is not mushy/bad).

  5. bikemike Says:

    apple pie, apple crisp, apple cobbler…i fail to see an issue with apples.

    • dug Says:

      all of those are delicious. none of those helps me with my weight problem. and they don’t go easily in and out of my pockets.

      • bikemike Says:

        yeah, fortunately, or not, i’ve learned to accept my inner Buddah. living in flat florida makes it easier.

        i like apples but more often than not i’ll bring one into work at it’ll sit in the cooler for a couple of days before i eat it. they’re just messy and you can’t just throw the core out anywhere.

        you could just start climbing the pyramid (scheme) and go for Juice Plus. good luck with that.

      • Jeremy Says:

        Dug
        I can’t stand eating apples but if you go with the dried or semi-dried apples they are pre-sliced, soft, portable and stay good in you pocket for a long time.

  6. Steve Says:

    bikemike from Florida – Oranges are messy, but apples? Besides, you just eat the core – you can spit the seeds out almost anywhere.

    dug – I think you need to slice & peel. It won;t even take large volumes.

  7. stevebpt Says:

    Eat em till you like em. And bring a knife from home, leave at your desk. Dipping is a good additive for changing the taste but I agree, a crisp apple is a must. There is not much worse than biting into a mushy apple.

  8. Mom Says:

    Quit blaming your mother, she provided decent apples and carrots in your youth.

  9. bebe Says:

    Dug–You just need to find the “right” apple. I didn’t like them until I found McIntosh apples. Here’s my dilemma… I really want to like cooked apples. Apple pie. Apple tarts. But I don’t. I love how they smell with all that cinnamon and brown sugar. But I just can’t find a way to like them. Good luck with lunch!

  10. fish Says:

    I agree with Flyin’ Ute – Honey Crisp is the ticket. I found them at the local megamart recently for $1.50/lb. They’re still worth it at twice the price.

    I also have a fresh apple/bacon/comte salad that might change your mind.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    There are some really good uses for apples.

  12. Jeff Says:

    What gives me the willies is picking your teeth with a paperclip. Or talking about picking your teeth with a paperclip.

  13. Flyin' Ute Says:

    Bro. Macey has them on sale right now for $2.50 lb. Go get yourself one…or a a sackfull.

    I saw them at Walmart for $1.50 and thought I was in heaven but they must be a different hybrid that isn’t grown the same because they were not as good as the Macey’s Apples. Still better than the mush though. I think Costco has them as well.

    I don’t know if I can grow a Honey Crisp tree in my yard but I’m going to find out. Give me a few years and then stop by and pick one out.

  14. Roger Says:

    I love apples but my favorite way to eat them is to use a sharp knife and slice off pieces to eat. I think they taste better this way and it should solve some of your problems with one of the best fruits around.

    Of course for me apple season is ended. Once you can’t get them fresh from the farm I move on to citrus and also pears which keep well through the winter.

  15. Minette Says:

    I was watching a documentary the other night (“The Botany of Desire”) which suggested that the actual fruit from the garden of eden was not an apple but a pomegranate! Maybe, to paraphrase Indiana Jones, you’re chomping on the wrong fruit.

    • dug Says:

      minette, that’s awesome. a “documentary” is actually discussing a mythical fruit that was eaten in a mythical garden. and discussing the ACTUAL fruit, saying “not this, but rather that.”

      awesome.

      • Minette Says:

        Ha! Yeah, that is pretty funny.

        They were all concerned about how apples wouldn’t *really* grow in the Middle East…but maybe if they’d considered that the mythical garden was actually located in Missouri U.S.A., they’d have been discussing whether it was a Pink Lady or a Fuji.

  16. Grizzly Adam Says:

    Bananas are your answer. Just as cheap, just as portable.

    But I always like the Granny Smith apples. A little tart, crisp, and small.

  17. rabidrunner Says:

    Maybe you have a subconscious fear that any apple you bite into will have a razor blade lodged in it. I seem to recall a “scare” of that sort in my youth. Still haunts me today.

    Or you could get yourself a Mac (assuming you don’t already have one). I hear them Macs turn everyone into an Apple lover.

  18. tohellandback1st Says:

    target in orem has them for 3.99 for a box. the box says it’s 4 1bs.

  19. Lisa C. Says:

    I like apples, but hate apple peel. So that means that if someone hands me an apple, I either have to pull out a knife and peel it and look like a dork for a) being someone who carries a knife for the sole purpose of peeling apples and b) hating apple peels, OR just saying “I’m allergic to raw tree fruit. Really. I am.”


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