the power of the urinal compels me

January 29, 2010

I’m not much of a spitter–and I don’t just mean that I don’t spit much. I mean that in addition to not spitting much, I don’t spit well. In fact, I spit poorly. So poorly that my biking friends (and by friends, I mean Elden) hosted an intervention to get me to stop spitting on bike rides, at least when I was within one linear mile of another rider.

And yet.

There is a time when I cannot help but spit. I speculate that the drive to spit when confronted with a urinal holds or held some type of comparative survival advantage to early humans. It may hold an advantage even now, but I cannot divine what that advantage is.

But what I do know is that in the last week, during which I conducted a very scientific test of trying-to-remember-when-I-spit, 100% of the times I peed in a urinal, I spit before, sometimes during, and even sometimes after I peed.

And about half the time when I peed in a regular toilet (like, at a movie when all urinals are occupied), I even spit in the regular toilet. (By “spit” I mean I let saliva drop from my mouth–I didn’t project anything, more like I released something.)

On those times when I peed before or during the actual release, I then amused myself by using the deposit for a target. (I otherwise refrained from amusing myself.)

What is it about urinal peeing that causes this? Do women spit when they pee, or do they spit when peeing only when they use a urinal (I just made myself laugh)? Like I said, I’m not a spitter (which is not the same as not being a blower, but that’s not my assigned topic for today).

But the power of the urinal compels me.

Help. Me.


31 Responses to “the power of the urinal compels me”

  1. bikemike Says:

    dug, that’s like saying, “why do i walk”? it’s because God gave us this ability. spit freely, my friend.
    do you try (not necessarily at the urinal) to let one drop down as far as possible and then try to slurp it back up? i do.

    • dug Says:

      never. i realize that makes me less of a man, but i HATE that. it’s spit, and it’s now OUTSIDE of the body–i don’t want it back (especially since in this case it’s been dangling over a bucket of piss).

      also, i don’t have that talent.

    • mtb w Says:

      Gotta say – slurping it back up grosses me out. Once its outside the body, its just plain spit even though its my spit.

  2. Paige Says:

    Ok, I’m going to get in trouble for cackling at my cubicle. Thanks for the laughs. And no, I am a woman and I do not spit when I pee…oh gosh, I just got that visual. LOL

  3. Annie Says:

    Yeah. I don’t spit when I pee, either. This may be the oddest thing I’ve ever heard of.

  4. JB Says:

    You make me laugh – hard. The idea of spitting while I’m peeing has never crossed my mind. I hope you are the one that cleans the bathrooms at your house if you are trying these things at home too.

  5. nate Says:

    i feel like some sort of line was just crossed…a slightly dirty, nebulous and wavy line.

    • dug Says:

      are you asking for a refund, giving me kudos, just stating the facts, or giving me a scolding?

      i actually have a file on my phone called “unpublishable.”

      this post, obviously, didn’t end up in there.

      but someday i’ll end up completely out of ideas, and i’ll jump the shark right into that folder.

      you, of course, may feel like i’ve jumped it already. i’m a little uncertain on that point (not whether you feel that way, but whether i’ve jumped yet).

      it’s clever. but is it art? probably not.

      • Bandit Says:

        I am with nate on this one. I think “just stating the facts” though – certainly scolding.

        Also, I believe its “On those times when I peed AFTER or during the actual release, I then amused myself by using the deposit for a target.” You can’t use your spit as a target if you peed before you spit.

        • dug Says:

          can too, if you think of AFTER the actual release as meaning, after i STARTED peeing, not finished.

          and did you mean “certainly NOT scolding” or certainly scolding?

          • Bandit Says:

            Because you included “during the actual release” I took that as covering the time after you started but before you finished, and the “before” to cover times you completed your peeing – for which you would have no target while peeing.

            Yes, I meant “not” scolding.

            BTW – I spit a lot, but rarely in a toilet of any type.

  6. mtb w Says:

    Hilarious post! I don’t know what it is about spitting but whenever the topic comes up (or if I see others spit), my mouth starts to get full of fluid and ready to spit. Some sort of pavlovian response.

    • dug Says:

      it’s the urinal itself that gives me that pavlovian thing. which creeps me out, but who am i to argue with evolution?

  7. Adventure Nell Says:

    Never has crossed my mind to spit anywhere…ick…I cant even spit on the bike, which is a huge pain sometimes. I don’t think women spit as much as men either.

  8. KanyonKris Says:

    Did this urinal spitting start after a hypnotist show?

    The hocking-up-a-loogie sound resonating around the tiled bathroom is not appealing.

  9. chtrich Says:

    I’ve never understood why men spit at the urinal. It has never been a thing for me.

    • dug Says:

      i’m not saying i understand it. in fact, i’m saying i DON’T understand it.

      what i’m saying is, the power of the urinal compels me.

  10. bikemike Says:

    man up, nancy boys.

  11. mtb w Says:

    Man, this post brought up some memories. Back in high school wrestling, everyone would suck on a jolly rancher and then pee and spit (at the same time) to lose weight.

  12. jb Says:

    There’s your evolutionary link Dug….peeing, spitting, and then wrestling your dinner to the ground….AND A PIN!!!

  13. philip Says:

    Must say that I do that also, maybe not every time but pretty close. I also aim at bubbles, I think everyone needs one of these too

  14. mark Says:

    So far ignored has been the real gem of this post: (I otherwise refrained from amusing myself.)

    Nice. I’m sure your restraint was based on your desire to improve your lacrosse game.

  15. stevenbpt Says:

    I don’t often spit but will when the need hits, or the urge. My compulsion used to be trying to wet down the whole back side of the upright urinals. Then aim at the holes or the cigarette butts if by chance some nice smoker left any targets. I think George Carlin or Bill Cosby put those in a routine sometime.

    One would almost have to “drip” spit unless one had excellent control of aim AND spray.

  16. Kelly Says:

    If I let saliva drop while I pee, I’ll have a wet lap… unless, I’m on the run with my P-Mate!

  17. Jot Says:

    One of the funniest things I’ve seen in a bathroom was when I was in Dallas on business work.

    I’m in a corporate facility when a guy two urinals over decides to spit into it. He hocks a loogie and as is natural, uses his head momentum to project it there….and promptly bounces his forehead off of the plumbing on top with a resounding thud.

    Do you know how hard it is to continue to pee while laughing and not getting it all over the floor?

    Of course you do….I’d forgotten who’s blog this was.


  18. Rick Says:

    An acquaintance of mine once went into a large corporate bathroom. He didn’t immediately see the urinals (or toilets), but he did see the Bradly (r) basins (the large circular stainless steel sinks with the spout in the middle.) Fresh out of college, he had never seen one before, and assumed that the basin WAS the urinal. (A bit friendly if there is a crowd perhaps…) Fortunately, there was no one else using the facilities at the time.

  19. G Says:

    You know you have a problem when, like me, you attempt to drop your spit-bomb through your piss stream.

    And if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

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