egg qualifying school

March 24, 2010

I’m going to come right out and tell you that I’m mildly interested in the Olympics. I watched some. Okay, more than some.

I was particularly fascinated by Lindsey Vonn. Not because she’s cute and bubbly. But because of that super weird visualizing thing she does before every race, where she looks like she’s doing Tai Chi before an event. Or, in fact, like she just ate some mushrooms. The kind that don’t come in a can.

Anyway. This morning I tried the visualizing thing. Because over the years I’ve steadily gotten worse at cracking eggs.

I crack a lot of eggs. I make french toast most mornings for the kids. I make cookies most weekends for me. I like to eat eggs. But for some reason, my ability to cleanly and elegantly crack an egg has an inverse relationship with my age. Lately, I’ve been getting pretty tentative with the cracking, which is actually worse for egg-cracking.

Kind of like when you drop something on your mountain bike–speed and confidence are your friends. No hesitation, no coddling the egg.

I know this in my head, of course, but like dropping something gnarly on the trail, it’s easier said than done.

So this morning I tried visualizing cracking the eggs for the french toast with speed and confidence.

Unfortunately, I ended up with egg parts all over my pants and a mess on the counter.

I think I would be better off just hucking the eggs in a bowl and picking out the shells. I may have to go back to egg qualifying school.

Where’s Mr. Miyagi when you need him?


22 Responses to “egg qualifying school”

  1. Rachel Says:

    “So this morning I tried visualizing cracking the eggs for the french toast with *speed* and confidence.”

    Why not just slow down? It’s not a very glamorous solution, but your food might be less crunchy.

  2. bikemike Says:

    Just make sure you don’t use the “edge” of something, the bowl, the counter, whatever. always crack on a flat surface, just a short, quick, pop. no parts left over, compress and split with thumb and index finger. No shell in the egg. dang it all, i hate that.

    I’m older than you, trust me, if i can do it, so can you.
    Focus, grasshopper.

    • dug Says:

      “Just make sure you don’t use the “edge” of something, the bowl, the counter, whatever”

      too late.

      • KanyonKris Says:

        I use an edge too, so I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. Breaking on a edge seems to work OK, I rarely get a shell. But I’ll now try the flat surface method.

  3. Mike J Says:

    Wax on, Wax off my son!

  4. mark Says:

    “I make french toast most mornings for the kids.”

    I’m going to start sleeping on your living room floor just so I can have breakfast. I’m between Holden and Ian in height, so you probably wouldn’t notice that I’m not one of the kids.

    • VA Biker Says:

      dug, I’m with you on this. My ability to come out shell-less on the other side can cause me great angst at times. I love to bake and cook, but sure don’t want the consumers of these foodstuffs to find egg shell bits when eating. I will very carefully consider what container to crack an egg against, what’s below it to support it for good energy transfer during the cracking process, etc. It’s a show inside my head as I’m getting ready to bring my hand down: will this one work or not?…

      BTW, anyone actually buy the EZ Cracker? That looks pretty sweet, though does it really work? I want one.

  5. linfin Says:

    I don’t have a problem cracking eggs, but I can’t open a round package of biscuits with any speed and even less confidence. I know it can’t happen really (I hope) but as I pull the label from the cardboard, I get an antsy, worried feeling, like my hand might be blown off from an explosion of dough.

    • dug Says:

      those explosive little tubes could take out an entire platoon.

    • Sara Says:

      Omigosh! ME TOO!!!! I thought I was alone in my biscuit (or croissant) explosion anxiety. Now I feel part of a community. And…I’m happier somehow.

  6. Grant Says:

    in 1st year high school we all had to do a cooking class (All I can remember cooking is rock cakes though…)

    Anyway, I SO wanted to be able to crack an egg with one hand that I practised continuously – any egg that needed cracking, I’d be there.

    Anyway, after that I am now incapable of cracking an egg with two hands.

  7. Dianne West Says:

    That’s funny; I was just showing my Dad how to crack
    an egg yesterday. He told me he couldn’t get any of
    it to end up in the bowl!

    • dug Says:

      your dad is like 90 years old, and he’s learning how to crack eggs? i guess you never stop learning. at at least you never should.

  8. Miles Archer Says:

    Mr. Miyagi aka Pat Morita died a few years back.

  9. Terri Says:

    Sounds like you are over-thinking this whole thing…just be one with the egg.

  10. Elden Says:

    I don’t have any advice for you on cracking the egg. However, as one who often gets a tiny piece of shell in the pan and has until recently often spent minutes chasing that tiny piece of shell around with a spoon, a fork, or whatever, I have learned a nice little trick: use the egg shell to scoop up the shell shrapnel in the pan. It just picks it right up, easy as can be. I don’t know why, but I love it.

    You’re welcome.

  11. ShedBiker Says:

    I think my company may offer an online egg-cracking certification course. I can check if you’re interested.

  12. Steve Says:

    Wait a sec. Have you been trying to do this clockwise with your right hand and counterclockwise with your left?

    That’s OK for wax, I guess, but for eggs, both hands should be cracking eggs one-handed, both clockwise.

  13. BM Says:

    I think we all know that they put something in the chickenfeed (IV drip?)that makes it so they can produce like 300 eggs a day. Im pretty sure theres another additive that makes them produce M, L, & XL in exactly the proporion the market demands and can be adjusted to allow for changes in marketplace requirements. So is it a reach to think theres something in there to make the shells less brittle so they get to the store intact? Instead of a nice clean crack the shells crumble on impact.

    Note that if my theory is correct it also proves that youre not getting older.

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