May 13, 2010

I am not a Harry Potter fan. There, I said it.

However, one thing I absolutely love about Harry Potter is the Sorting Hat. I so totally want a sorting hat of my very own.

I’m going to ramble a bit here about sorting, which is really what we’re all up to every day, every minute of our lives anyway, right? When we want lunch, we sort the options. And not just by yumminess, but by proximity, by price, by what preferred lunch partners are willing to eat, all that and more.

We sort friends, we sort clothes, we sort everything. Constantly.

And, as I mentioned to Brad the other day, there is nothing worse than being on a large group ride with someone (or someones) who doesn’t know how to sort himself (or herself).

Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic. I’m sure there are one or two things that are worse than someone who doesn’t know how to sort him or herself. Like Kimchi. Ayn Rand. Those are worse. And maybe Pistachio Ice Cream. (I like Pistachios. I like Ice Cream. I don’t want them together. I mean, I also like steak and gelato. But I don’t want them mixed into a paste, right?)

Anyway, sure, there ARE a couple things worse.

But still. Not knowing how to self-sort is egregious. Painful. It’s a lack of self-awareness akin to the lack of awareness people who bring super-crinkly candy to the symphony have. Or movie-baby-bringers. (Shut up, that could be a word.)

And, on a group ride, just for example, sorting should be constant, up and down. If someone is riding your ass, you find a spot, and you slide over to let them by. If the faster rider declines, then you have a free pass to hold them up. If they slip by you, you have officially, and graciously sorted yourself.

Of course, same thing applies to the downhill–if someone is riding your ass, it’s not because they are staring at it. Okay, it’s almost never because they are staring at it. Probably. And let me be clear here, I am not talking to you. Don’t ask me if I’m talking to you, or if I think you’re the one who can’t sort himself (or herself). I’m just rambling about sorting. Hypothetically. If anything, I’m talking to myself here.

Knowing the art of the self-sort is the sort of thing many will never ever master. Or even, in fact, ever know it exists.

It’s like the shame rule–if you do something stupid, always, ALWAYS make fun of yourself first. Beat them to the punch. Because the ridicule IS coming, you know it is. All you can do is lesson the blow, use your best Judo techniques, and make it a glancing blow instead of a full body shot.

Because the world is a savage garden, isn’t it? That is, if you don’t self sort, sorting will be provided for you. Like a public defender, except not.


14 Responses to “sorting”

  1. mark Says:

    What’s with the user of the plural pronoun in order to avoid gender specificity? Talk about lack of sorting. Sheesh.

    • dug Says:

      in fact, the whole “herself” thing is something i can’t help ever since first falling in love with Monty Python’s Life of Brian as a kid.

      “i want to have babies.”

      • KanyonKris Says:

        In “Straight Man” a character is nicknamed ‘orshe’, made me laugh.

      • mark Says:

        Why not just put a stake in the ground and go with “him”? Because most of the time you’re not riding with women. And even if you are, most of the time they aren’t the people wanting to pass you*.

        *Which is not to say there aren’t women capable of passing, they’re just typically less charged with testosterone and more inclined to let a group ride be a group ride rather than a race.

        • dug Says:

          i think i was clear. i used this construction because in my head, i was talking about wanting to change my name to loretta and have babies. although, i don’t have a womb. which might be a problem.

        • Anonymous Says:

          Sbj, obviously you have not ridden with groups of females. They are worse.

          • mark Says:

            It’s impossible for me to ride with females without it being a mixed group, so I don’t know what a just girls ride is like. All I can speak from is experience on mixed rides.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    My affliction is: being just self-aware enough to know I’m often unaware of situations where I should be sorting. Do you offer coaching?

  3. bikemike Says:

    Saw Iron Man 2 (Electric Boogaloo) last night. I’m getting one of his suits. I’m fairly certain i will call it the “Sorting Suit”. It will allow me to put people exactly where i want them or not even remotely worry if i’m not where they want me to be.

  4. Self sorting is easy for me, I just sort my ass to the back of the pack……..

  5. stevebpt Says:

    I think the Sorting hat is my favorite part of the Potter movies.

    Don’t like Harry Potter? (the series, not the character) What are you, Democrat?

  6. eber Says:

    Sort order is inversely related to vision. As tunnel vision fades to black I know I best be sorting to the back or out of the group altogether.

    Thank you for setting the record straight. We should print this and make it required reading before rides.

  7. Rob Says:

    Pistachio Gelato though. That’s good – right?

  8. Adventure Nell Says:

    What? I so didn’t get this post. oh wait, I am always at the back so the sorting thing is unknown to me. I should have a t-shirt made up “Happy to be your road-kill” cause that is what happens ALL the time! By way, off to Europe next week, hope to ride in Italy…YAHOOOOO 🙂

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