reputation, reputation

July 21, 2010

Me n Kim n Maddy went to see a movie the other night, because it had been too long since I was reminded of how much I hate people.

Not YOU people—other people. You people are fantastic.

People in movie theaters, I’m not so fond of them.

I waited until we got to the theater to pre-select my seats, giving possible miscreants every opportunity to choose before me. I chose a row to the side, where nobody was sitting in front of, next to, or behind us. I waited until almost show time to purchase.

After we sat down, after the previews started, a family worked their way up the aisle, stopped in front of us, looked around, looked at their seats, and said to each other “Let’s just sit here.”

They were followed by a young couple, late teens by the look of them. They stopped next to us. Looked around. Looked at their tickets. And he said “Let’s just sit here.”

In other words, rather than try to find the seats they had reserved, they just sat in the empty seats directly in front of me and directly behind me.

I will not punch myself in the face yet, because first I have to tell you that while the family in front of us turned out to be ideal movie goers, the young couple behind us were apparently unaware that during a movie (even an animated movie—it’s STILL $8.50 per ticket for the love of Mike) is exactly the wrong time to tell your date the story of your life. If there is ever a right time.

Okay, NOW I will punch myself in the face.

But I’m not one of those guys who complains and complains and doesn’t offer solutions. I’ve got a solution, even one that doesn’t involve some tie-downs and a Zamboni.

eBay. No, I’m not saying we should sell these people on eBay. That’s ridiculous. Who would even want them?

But eBay has the solution. Buyer and Seller Feedback. Right? Sellers rate the buyers and buyers rate the sellers. You earn a reputation, and people want to buy or sell (or process—ha!) with people that have good reputations.

That’s how the movie theater should work. People that sit down, shut up, and watch the movie would get feedback from the movie-goers around them. If you’re a loud mouth who can’t stop kicking the chair in front of you, people should have the right to know that BEFORE they sit in front of you.

Who would object to this? Not the loud-talkers—They wouldn’t even notice something was happening.

But the rest of us (an ever shrinking minority) would notice. Oh, we would notice. Your movie theater reputation would be everything.

It’s like Cassio said. Or was it Frankenstein?

Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial.

I would get the best score. I’m telling you. But those star-crossed lovers sitting behind me Monday night? They would be sitting in the mothers-with-crying-babies room.

There’s one of those too, in my heaven.


21 Responses to “reputation, reputation”

  1. stevenbpt Says:

    I love the idea! In addition you would then be able to reserve your seats (good or bad) based on your rating. In other words the best seats would be reserved for those with 5 star ratings and so forth!!

    Maybe you should have asked the couple where their seats were and gone there?

  2. Rick S. Says:

    add what type of food people usually eat during movies to that feedback profile and you’ve got something.

  3. hubcityrob Says:

    Great idea and certainly handy for movies, but why stop there. My guess is the same people YELL on their cell phones while walking through the store and then when they get to the check-out, they have to finish their conversation before remembering they left their wallet in the car. One could go on and on…

    I think you are limiting your possible applications here.

  4. chtrich Says:

    I don’t know, I can’t figure it all out tonight sir, I’m going to hang with your daughter.

  5. BM Says:

    If movies were ebay,

    -You’d get to your seat and it would be broken, or it wouldnt fit right or there would be scratches on it that weren’t in the picture.

    -You’d pay $13.00 shipping for your tickets and they’d arrive with a 0.50cent stamp on the envelope.

    -Somebody would buy your seat out from under you with 3 seconds to go before the movie starts.

    • dug Says:

      i’m not saying we should turn the movies over to ebay. i’m saying we need a rating system for movie patrons. if you suck, people should have some warning.

  6. KanyonKris Says:

    I’m impressed you keep going out – seems each incident further erodes your opinion of your fellow man.

    I like the movie club idea best. All members are screened and know the club movie watching rules. The club rents out the theater for members only. Film buff nirvana.

  7. bikemike Says:

    duct tape. you get out of your seat, go around behind them and duct tape their sorry asses to their seats. tape their mouths shut and tape the car keys to the top of the head of the one with the most hair. then pour their sodas in their laps and steal their popcorn. wait until the movie is over and go to the manager and tell him/her the idiots taped to theirs seats have guns and probably a cache of small land mines in their underwear.

    i’ve thought about this one alot. i probably shouldn’t go to movies anymore.
    i work retail… i have a very low tolerance for insipid stupidity.

  8. Jenn Says:

    Wait – your theater has reserved seating? You (in theory) don’t have to even mingle with, much less step over or be brushed by the passing butts of the great unwashed?? I feel dizzy….

    • dug Says:

      jenn, yeah, there is a chain of “megaplexes” in the salt lake area where you go online and reserve your seats. i’m telling you, it’s the greatest innovation in movies since sound and color. it’s magical.

  9. Cor Says:

    I share your movie views. These days just walking into a theatre raises my anxiety. On Mon, I was blessed with a teenage girl sitting beside me texting through the movie. After 30 mins, I leaned over with my “I’ll shove that cell phone up your…” face and she got the hint.

  10. KanyonKris Says:

    Your movie plan was good. You just need to deter the floaters.

    Coughing, sneezing, blowing nose and other symptoms of a contagious disease may do the trick (as was suggested previously).

    Flatulence could do the trick.

    I’d suggest talking loudly on your cell, but obnoxious people are likely immune.

    I’d go with trash. Collect some empty popcorn buckets, drink cups, candy boxes and plant them in the seats around you. Or go nuclear: condom wrappers and syringes.

  11. Derron Says:

    Just condom wrappers? That’s weak. Leave the entire used condom and the wrapper as well as bloody syringes. That always gets them running for the exit!

  12. Steve the BigRide Says:

    Many moons ago someone said we should all be armed with the suction cup dartguns. When someone was driving bad you just shoot there car with a dart that said “a$$hole” on it. The cops could then look for cars with 5 or more darts and ticket them.
    For the movies – I prefer tossing Jujubees. I’d toss Junior Mints but they taste too good.

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