November 3, 2010

I am absolutely certain that I consumed more than thirty “fun-sized” candy bars on Sunday.

On Saturday morning, I stopped at the grocery store for whatever. And I bought a couple bags of candy, even though we planned on going to a friend’s house for the evening. Because it’s Halloween, dammit.

But later, we changed our plans, and ended up staying home and watching a movie. So I ran to the store to make sure we had enough candy to hand out. Even though last year we had like 10 trick or treaters the whole night. And my philosophy is don’t hand out anything I wouldn’t want to eat ten of. So we ended up with a giant bucket of fun sized Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Butterfingers, and Milky Ways.

And I gave away less than half.

Because here’s how Halloween went down for us. Maddy and Ian are too old and too cool to trick or treat, and they had parties to go to. And for some reason they don’t sit down and gorge themselves on this stuff like I do.

But Holden was up for one last (or not) trip out. So he braved the rain, and came home with his own giant bag of candy.

So, to sum up, I ate about 20 bars on Saturday, more than 30 on Sunday, and finished off the rest on Monday.

But Holden, freaky kid that he is, has been nursing his giant bag. And last night, oh, about 2am, I woke up feeling peckish. And I snuck into his room like the Grinch, and gently eased a fun sized Reeses from the green Harmons bag.

And he sat straight up and said “Dad?” Kind of like when Cindy Loo Hoo says “Santa, why are you taking our Christmas Tree? WHY?”

Thinking fast, I laughed and said “Ha, you caught me, I was going to hide your big bag of candy. Wouldn’t that have been funny? Ha ha! Here, I’ll put it back.”

Except, my voice was all muffled because my mouth was stuffed with a fun sized Reeses Peanut Butter cup.

But it’s all good. He never remembers stuff that happens in the middle of the night. I’ll see him again at 2am.


20 Responses to “busted”

  1. stevebpt Says:

    sweet!! Of course, with my current exercise regimen I wouldn’t burn those candy bars off until easter so I would gain 20 lbs. Good thing you have Orange.

    The real question is, did Holden remember? And then hide his own bag from the Grinch?

    • dug Says:

      so far so good, as long as he doesn’t read my blog. which, if past is any predictor of the future, means i’m safe.

  2. JB Says:

    Did you brush your teeth after eating that Reeses at 2am?

  3. KanyonKris Says:

    “Fun size” is pure evil. Here’s how I fared:


    My boy (7) already knows me too well – he has warned me several times to not eat his Halloween candy.

    In my house I perform the valuable function of “taking care” of left-out treats. And for this I am vilified – such ingratitude.

    • Brandon Says:

      I am not sure what is wrong with my children. They are not very interested in going trick or treating or their candy. They only go around the block and want to go back home and hand out candy to the other children. They leave their small buckets of candy out that they received out in the family room for anyone to pilfer. I have had my fair or unfair share.

  4. VaLene Says:

    Dug, I would think that by the age of 40-something, you should be able to sleep through the night.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    I think it’s kind of funny that Holden feels he needs to keep his candy stash in his room. 🙂

  6. 1972roses Says:

    My kids count their Reese’s before going to bed and immediately upon waking up. Although, I was offered one for $10.

  7. Derron Says:

    I’m the luckiest guy in the world! I have a 6-yr old daughter who hates peanut butter. She gives me all the reese’s cups and pieces that she gets! I don’t know how, but I’ve actually lost 3-4 pounds the last few days even as I’ve scarfed my weight in Halloween candy. Must be this damn cold I’ve had.

  8. MC Says:

    Seriously, you couldn’t have waited to leave his room before you scarfed it down?! In this scenario, I think standard operating procedure is pretty clear: grab the item, walk out and close the door, THEN gorge yourself on forbidden stolen booty while cackling like the Grinch that you are.

    • dug Says:

      yeah, i can see that. your way is better.

      but, you know. whoops.

      • MC Says:

        Ya, the ironic twist is that if you had exercised a little self control by leaving Holden’s room before you ate the goods, you would have facilitated your ability to wake up in the middle of the night tomorrow and show more lack of self control by stealing more candy. But not now, my friend. Your cover is blown and the goods have gone into witness protection mode.

  9. prodigalcyclist Says:

    My wife bought the candy this year – all gummy lifesavers. Sucks!

  10. jruss Says:

    absolutely amazing. not the ridiculous quantity of chocolate and peanut butter tasty morsels that you consumed (a divine combination, much like steel and concrete – an entirely different discussion that none of us have time for right now) but rather the fib that was uttered though a mouthful while being caught. funny. my goodness gracious.

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