offsetting penalties

December 21, 2010

Today I present offsetting penalties. Sort of.

Lemme esplain.

I’ve done something manly. And I’ve done something UNmanly.

I say they offset. It’s important that they offset so that I don’t have to turn in my penis.

What, you’ve never seen Penny Arcade?

Gabe: I’ve been talking to the guys, and we’re kicking you out.
Tycho: What guys?
Gabe: The guys. Men. We’re kicking you out because you didn’t like 300.
Tycho: I did like 300! I just didn’t like it as much as you.
Gabe: Head downtown and turn in your penis. I’m sorry.
Tycho: Turn in my penis? How will I open jars?

Terrifying, right? But not liking 300 isn’t my sin. I mean, I didn’t particularly like 300, but my point is, that’s not my sin.

Here is my sin:

baking stone

My friend Jen emailed me yesterday and asked if I still baked cookies on the same baking stone. And duh, of course I do. I’m proud of my baking stone. I’ve had the same one for over a decade. It’s quite seasoned.

And normally, having a baking stone you’ve been using for over a decade to bake delicious cookies would be a qualifying event for turning in your penis.

Except, remember, offsetting penalties?

This morning my snowblower broke down, so I shoveled the entire driveway. With a shovel. It’s like an acre. And then, when I got in the Landcruiser, the battery was dead.

So I pulled the 98 Explorer in next to it, jumped it, drove it to Walmart, bought a new battery, and installed the new battery in the Walmart parking lot. In a snowstorm.

So I’m keeping my penis.

Not that I was putting it up to a vote.

33 Responses to “offsetting penalties”

  1. JB Says:

    Like I said, I think you should be buried with your stone. Anyone who has ever had your cookies baked on the stone wouldn’t care about the manhood of the person who baked them, they’re just yummy. I’m sure Kim is relieved you don’t have to lose your package.

  2. chtrich Says:

    I have a baking stone….never tried cookies on it. Will have to test it out.

  3. Bandit Says:

    I hear the women in Utah can change their battery in the middle of snow storm and get the kids to school on time. Now what was it you were saying about a cookie stone or something?

  4. Jeff Says:

    I think to make up for the cookie baking (on a stone?!) you needed to actually repair the snowblower.

    However, we’ll let you keep your penis on the strength of the two camelbak water bottles in the photo.

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    I could buy the offsetting penalties, but a plate of cookies would clinch it.

    From not touching a busted door knob to jumping the cruiser and installed a new battery is impressive. In relative terms this is huge. Penis worthy.

  6. Mark Says:

    If you use a baking stone instead of a cookie sheet can you skip the parchment paper?

  7. bikemike Says:

    do you use butter flavored Pam?

  8. mark Says:

    Parchment paper is unnecessary. Cookies have enough butter that they shouldn’t stick. But if you’re using the parchment just to avoid cleanup because you’re too much of a ninny to hand wash a cookie sheet, then you really do need to turn in your penis. Also, if you’re making them with shortening or margarine, there’s no offsetting penalty for that.

    I would rate shoveling the entire driveway a feat of strength, while the jump start is a feat of technical wizardry, and the battery change a feat of mechanical prowess. So it’s like three things offsetting the cookie stone. You’re fine. Fine.

  9. BM Says:

    For your sake I hope its not the alternator because if you changed the battery and it turns out to be the alternator you might as well just go out and buy yourself some pumps and a purse. Unless you can swap out an alternator with your penis. I believe that offsets everything.

  10. anon Says:

    65 degrees inside (according to your thing in the window) is worth something too. That’s not exactly the comfy 72 we require.

  11. Bob Says:

    I think that you need to send a search party for that penis, due to you thinking that baking cookies makes you penis-less.

    Next thing you know you’ll be blogging about your amazing grocery store visit.

    Is Mark Wilson or Al?

  12. Bob B. Says:

    DId you tape the battery to the top of the hood? If so, it may fall off if it gets wet and windy. You may want to have someone with a little more expertise take a look at it.

  13. tibiker Says:

    This has to set a record for “Number of Penis mentions in a blog”

  14. Stephen Says:

    The manliness of baking is in the attitude. My wife’s grandfather started baking when his wife died because he still wanted cookies, so he learned how to bake. He said “It’s just like making concrete. Throw some stuff in, mix it up, scoop it out, and let it set.”

  15. stevebpt Says:

    I am duly impressed with the battery thing and knowing where you live the shoveling is also a manly chore.

    But, being a cookie maker myself I have to object to that being reason to turn in my unit. Like you, I make a dang good cookie that manly men, like yourself, really like.

    • dug Says:

      let me be clear–baking cookies is NOT a qualifying event.

      it’s having a 15 year old baking stone that is more precious than a plasma screen tv. and it’s composing a mise-en-scène and taking a picture of it to show it to the world.

      • stevebpt Says:

        Now you lost the penis with the comparison to the plasma TV. And adding 5 years to the age of the stone. I would drive to your house, storm the ramparts and break your stone into fine pieces before your eyes if someone were to offer me a plasma TV of appropriate size. At least 50 inches.

        • dug Says:

          i didn’t add 5 years–i simply got more specific.

          and i don’t think there’s any doubt we feel differently about my baking stone. i, for instance, would cut your vikings jersey into tiny pieces if someone offered me a 50 inch plasma.

          hell, if someone offered me a mac mini i’d do it.

  16. Steve the BigRide Says:

    Old baking stones, cast iron skillets, Crooked hands of old cabinet maker, all great tools for making great things. No tools lost

  17. VA Biker Says:

    Lest they be writing under pseudonyms, there seems to be a dearth of female commenters here for some reason. Go figure.

    I bake cookies, but I have no baking stone. Any suggestions for brand?

    • HeidiR Says:

      I’ll jump in for one female perspective. Men who bake cookies are awesome, period.

      A man who has good cookware and takes care of it is even better.

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