the most painful muffin top story

January 3, 2011

I called Kim earlier today because she was at Harmons and she had left me a message asking me where to find the uncooked tortillas.

Why do I tell you this extraneous detail? Why do I tell you ANY extraneous detail? I’ll tell you—it’s because I can’t help it.

I was teaching a class yesterday. I wanted to tell the members of the class that I would bring cookies each Sunday, because that’s what I do.

But I couldn’t just say that. I had to tell a long convoluted story about Monica from Friends, and how she told Ross and Carol’s baby that “she would always have gum.” And Ian, who was in the class, said “you didn’t have to tell us all that. You could have just said ‘I will always bring cookies.’”

To which I replied, “Have you MET me?”

Um. Where was I?

Oh, right, Kim, and Harmons, and tortillas.

Anyway. I expressed my apathy and complete lack of ideas for any new content for this blog. “It’s run its course,” I said. “Fulfilled the measure of its creation.”

“Whatever,” she said. “I’ll send you an email to remind you of your conversation with Holden the other night at bedtime.”

Here is Kim’s email, unedited, since that was one of her conditions, because she says I always quote her as saying stuff that she hasn’t said. (Pfft):

Holden just asked dug, who is in bed, to stand on his [Holden’s] feet so he [Holden] could do sit-ups.
Dug said "no, it’s 10pm, go to bed."
Holden said, "don’t you want me to get married?"
Dug said "I wasn’t buff and mom married me"
Holden said "it’s normal to have a muffin top when you’re 45. I’m sure you were buff when you got married."
Dug said "thx."
Holden said "I like to pat your belly." And he came over to the bed and gave dug’s belly a pat.

I will now put a brick on the gas pedal and drive over my own head.

[By the way, muffintop is the number one search term people use to find my blog. I’m so proud.]


25 Responses to “the most painful muffin top story”

  1. kim Says:

    you left out the part where Holden came over to pat your belly 🙂 sorry if that was left out on purpose. i thought it was cute of him to reassure you he appreciated your muffin top.

    • dug Says:

      it wasn’t in the version you sent me. and i didn’t want to edit.

      i’ve added it. thanks for the fix. yes, very cute. so CUTE!

  2. Shelle Says:


  3. mark Says:

    “I wasn’t buff and mom married me.”

    At least you will always bring cookies.

  4. KanyonKris Says:

    Is Holden 12 maybe 14? And he’s concerned about looking buff to attract a mate? Take him skiing, stat.

    dug, I think you’re cool. Of course that’s coming from another dad. Got room under the tire for another head?

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    A few more fashion steps and you’ll David Burn’s twin:

  6. Jonnie J Says:

    You need to go back to your trip report format. I will send you some video I got of you at the top of Days.

  7. mtb w Says:

    Buff or not? Well, there is that 80s photo of you – let the readers decide!

  8. BM Says:

    The other day I was in a public washroom. I noticed that the mirror was mounted in a custom looking stainless steel fixture so that it angled outward from the wall from bottom to top on maybe a 7 degree angle. Standing in front of it I couldn’t see my head at all but it gave me a great view of my torso and shirt covered muffintop. I thought to myself “what would Dug say.”

    My point is, if not you, then who?

    Happy new year.

  9. Brandon Says:

    Is there a cookie rotation for Sundays or is it the same type of cookie each week?

  10. Rick S. Says:

    You left out the part about Nala licking the peanut butter out of your belly button. Why did you leave that part out?

  11. rabidrunner Says:

    I think looking at all the fun search words people use and end up on your blog is reason enough to keep a blog. Don’t you? Pantyhose is one of my top words. Pantyhose, and backabrassaphobia, and taylor swiffer, and juicy pants.

  12. Mark Says:

    Do you serve cold milk with your cookies? If so, what percentage?

    • dug Says:

      if you come to my house and i serve you cookies, you get cold milk. the anderson house is a skim milk zone.

      if i bring the cookies to you, then i do not bring milk. that would be your responsibility.

  13. stevebpt Says:

    you have never been buff, aren’t buff, will never be buff. Except your thighs. Still can’t figure out how you still have no butt with all the hiking, skiing and biking going on.

    Oh well, I get lots of pats on my belly too.

  14. JB Says:

    You should remember from Seinfeld that the muffin top is the best part of the muffin. Wear your muffin top with pride.

  15. 1972roses Says:

    I sort of thought paperman was the answer to your blogger’s block? How about paperman brings cookies? or paperman gets a muffintop? Or paperman never misses?

    Gordy-“But you didn’t miss him. Chris Chambers never misses, does he?”
    Chris- “Not even when the ladies leave the seat down. Pissst.”

  16. Becky Says:

    OMG!!! I have spewed tea (Raspberry Zinger, thanks for not asking)and am now ROTFLMAO.

  17. bikemike Says:

    dooon’t drive angry.

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